To have expected him to have said something?

[poorlytoe]

We had a date night planned as we both thought we needed to spend some quality time together so we bought some wine, agreed on a nice meal to have just us once the little ones had gone to bed which is 7:00.

Anyway about 6:50 just as I was upstairs getting the children ready for bed and looking forward to the evening we had planned, step son turned up baring in mind he is in his 20s and lives a 10 minute walk away, I assumed he wouldn’t stay long as Dh would probably say we had already made plans this evening but Dh said nothing while our plans went down the pan and stepson sat there until 10:15 before going home and all Dh could say was it wasn’t his fault as he didn’t know he was going to turn up.
AIBU to have thought he would have said something as we had plans?
I hadn’t bought enough ingredients for a date night for 3 so I didn’t end up cooking the salmon but Dh did open the wine and pour it 3 ways.

YABU to expect him to ask his son to leave when your plans only included eating dinner and chatting/sex. It would be different if you had theatre tickets or something! An established couple spending the evening together is not an event for which most people would throw out a visitor if they showed up regardless of who it was. I will always be happy to have a visit from my son. Any partner who didn't feel the same wouldn't last very long.

I don't think staying at home and eating a meal is having plans to be honest, I wouldn't consider it a date night. Eating a meal and chatting is something you do every day, surely?

Nah I'd be pissed off. Plans are plans

It wasn’t a family meal and it was the drinks that bothered me the most as we rarely drink so it was about us having a few drinks together as a couple and not just parents.

Next time arrange step son to babysit and go out somewhere?

It wasn't a date night - you had a bit of salmon in the fridge for dinner.

I get this totally but why didn't you say something if your DH wouldn't?

You should have stepped in yourself once you saw DH was being too passive.

And said 'oh, Dave, we're going to start cooking for our date night soon. Can you ask Tom to make himself scarce?' then if he didn't I'd say fairly firmly that we had plans and he needs to make a move.

Not in a rude way. But he turned up unannounced so has to accept potentially being kicked out.

I wonder if it had been your own child that turned up if you would have turfed them out?

Blended families don't work, they have never worked, and they will never work.

He would never babysit, we don’t have babysitters so that’s why we thought we’d do something together as a couple at home.

YANBU - plans are plans. However, I’d have just told the stepson to kindly bugger off in a nice way.

It's his home, it's where his Father lives!

I don’t consider where my parents live to be my home. I don’t live there.

If you hadn’t arranged a babysitter and were just going to eat dinner and drink wine after the DC were in bed, surely that’s just like every night? It doesn’t sound like the end of the world. Your DH was pleased to see his son, and dinner is a daily event, surely. Buy another bottle of wine and drink it together tonight.

That says it all.

I agree with you, but how would you feel if you turned up to see them and they told you to leave?

I think you’re being massively unreasonable. It’s a meal and drinks at home, you can do it another night. It wasn’t like you’d actually arranged a night out. I have a dd your step son’s age and if she turned up and I was home I wouldn’t have told her to leave.

Perfect solution

Me too. Adult children don’t always have to come first ffs.

You can't chuck him out. That's unreasonable. A date night has to involve going out! A meal and/or a bottle of wine at home isn't special or a plan, you can be doing that every night if the kids are in bed at 7?

Did you not have dinner at all then ?

Are you so super busy that you can't eat together tonight. I can slightly see why you're disappointed but what was DH supposed to say? Sorry son you can't stop by we've got an evening planned of eating dinner and watching TV/chatting/shagging?

You didn't have tickets or anywhere you needed to dash off to.

He lives close by but so what, I would be pleased if my grown up children popped by in the evening.

If you were that bothered you could of said something yourself when it was apparent that your other half wasn't going to.

A date night is whatever the couple thinks it is. A nice meal and drinks at home is just as valid as going out somewhere.

I wouldn’t just turn up to be fair as I’d respect their privacy, it might not be convenient, they might be busy or tired or they could have friends round for a meal which would be awkward or knowing them they would probably be asleep on the sofa.

I would have e said, OMG perfect you booked a babysitter, and went out