To have expected him to have said something?

[poorlytoe]

We had a date night planned as we both thought we needed to spend some quality time together so we bought some wine, agreed on a nice meal to have just us once the little ones had gone to bed which is 7:00.

Anyway about 6:50 just as I was upstairs getting the children ready for bed and looking forward to the evening we had planned, step son turned up baring in mind he is in his 20s and lives a 10 minute walk away, I assumed he wouldn’t stay long as Dh would probably say we had already made plans this evening but Dh said nothing while our plans went down the pan and stepson sat there until 10:15 before going home and all Dh could say was it wasn’t his fault as he didn’t know he was going to turn up.
AIBU to have thought he would have said something as we had plans?
I hadn’t bought enough ingredients for a date night for 3 so I didn’t end up cooking the salmon but Dh did open the wine and pour it 3 ways.

Ok fair enough, but it was a bit of salmon and a bottle of wine - it could have been moved to the next evening.

When my kids are 21 I hope they rock up randomly to spend time with me and if my partner whinged online about them sharing some wine I’d tell him to get a life and piss off.

When DH and I were first married that wouldn't have worked. Shift work and family commitments would have meant it was another week, and therefore if there were regular interruptions then our date nights would be constantly pushed on.

It's not about what the plans ARE, it's about prioritising spending that time together.

I struggled for childcare when my DC were little. I think those who didn't don't get it. Planning a date night at home is a special event for when you can't get out, it's not the same as every night. Your DH should have said something.

It's also about keeping the family together, something that didn't happen for the son in this post.

It wasn’t really a ‘date night’ was it? He’s not exactly interrupted a grand evening. You were having salmon and a glass of wine. I’m assuming your kids go to bed at 7 most nights and I assume you also have your tea most nights. So, what exactly did he interrupt? Also, if my son ever thinks that he has to ring me before he comes to our house I’ll be deeply ashamed of myself.

I'm a step-mum and a mum to a little one and wouldnt expect my DH to turn away either of his sons if they turned up (which they do as they have a key and they are always welcome) If its food and a glass of wine surely you can do this on the weekend or another night. I can understand if you were going out.
As you were looking forward to it, i can understand being a bit disapointed but i would've just parked it for another day and dug some food out for you all to share.

I think people are being quite unfair and a bit judgemental here about whether you had “plans”. You did. It doesn’t really matter whether others would call it a proper date night or think you should have gone out, not everyone has that luxury. It was a date night because you and your husband agreed it was, as part of recognising you need to prioritise your relationship.

What’s upsetting isn’t the specific activity, it’s that he made a different choice without discussing it with you and didn’t properly acknowledge it afterwards. That’s bound to sting.

I suspect some of the reaction is because it involves your stepson, but from what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like an emergency or something that absolutely had to happen that night.

I can understand why you’re upset. It also sounds like this might be part of a wider pattern of you not feeling listened to or prioritised, which is probably the bigger issue here

Adult who lives in his own home rocks up at someone else's home when they're busy is not the same as shoving someone out of the family.

Seriously, get a grip there. If they had plans outside of the house, you'd accept that he'd not have been able to spend the evening with them and no one would say that was him being left out.

It is literally the snobby view that a meal at home (which has been made more special than a usual family tea) doesn't count as a date that makes you act like they've cut him off.

I have said that if there were dinner reservations or tickets then yes fair enough.

I think turning the stepson away, when you can just move it to the next night or whatever is mean.

Again, not everyone CAN just move it to the next night. It's a pretty big assumption that everyone works 9-5 and is home every single evening.

Did you have a bad experience of blended families whilst growing up or you just generally hate them?

You would hope that someone aged 20 odd would not just turn up and stay so long. Not without checking first.
Very awkward. Does he do this a lot ?
Reorganise another night. And for you it was intended to be a special just the two of you night. So yes, it was spoilt.
But the unexpected can happen. The time to get worried is when it becomes usual. And you cannot plan anything because of it. When he thinks your living room and evening is fair game to just go round as if it is his own.

I think she was right to feel disappointed, and nothing else. Would she have told her child to leave, if that had happened, I wonder.

No I was blessed with a great family, and have a great family currently.

I have worked in the family courts for many years, and blended families break my heart.

It is never ever children first.

People say there is an affair script, but there is also very much a blended family script.

If I was in your situation I’d probably be a little disappointed, however I would soon get over it as I would be delighted that my 20yr old son (or SS) chose to pop by to see myself and DH.

you could rearrange date night for this weekend or any other night of the week to suit.

I don’t agree. I have 3 very young DC and live abroad so it’s almost impossible to get a babysitter here. We also do at home date nights a lot. I completely sympathise with that aspect of the OP.

However, I cannot imagine a universe in which I would turn up to my parents house (as an adult) and they would turn me away because they were having a meal together. A restaurant or theatre tickets would be a different matter. But an at home date night, no way. I also would never do that to my own children. Like a PP said, I hope that when my kids are in their 20s, they want to pop over and have a chat for hours. Just like I am able to do with my own parents.

I get disappointing but that’s the joy of kids
more to the point I’d be pleased if the SS had made the effort to come round and stay for a bit
normally you can’t see kids for dust at that age and don’t get more than two words out of them
seems like he has a good relationship with him

I wouldn't turn up unannounced, so this would never happen.

Well of course you only hear the bad stories if you’re in court. Same as on MN, it’s mainly the bad stories people post. You haven’t created or lived in a blended family.

Totally fair enough you have that view, but not all blended families are bad, just like all “traditional” families aren’t good. You keep stating it on here, it doesn’t make it true.

Just speak to your DH. Honestly, it sounds as though he wasn’t hugely thrilled by the evening’s plans and didn’t really see eating dinner together as an event which warranted him asking his son to leave. It’s no good planning date nights if you’re not both on board.

That's very rude.

Let me guess? You have a blended family?

I think you're right to feel disappointed, op. No one here can tell you that it wasn't a date night. If you and your husband classed it a date night, then that's exactly what it was. The point is you wanted that freedom and time together. Then someone else rocks up, plonks himself on the sofa, and gets given a third of the wine! It's like a bad comedy sketch.

We have a teenage boy next door who does this. His dad lives next door to us, so he comes and goes as he pleases, but lives with his mum elsewhere. The new girlfriend always leaves minutes after the boy turns up.

He sounds lonely because he visited his dad? Maybe he just wanted to visit his dad