To have expected him to have said something?

[poorlytoe]

We had a date night planned as we both thought we needed to spend some quality time together so we bought some wine, agreed on a nice meal to have just us once the little ones had gone to bed which is 7:00.

Anyway about 6:50 just as I was upstairs getting the children ready for bed and looking forward to the evening we had planned, step son turned up baring in mind he is in his 20s and lives a 10 minute walk away, I assumed he wouldn’t stay long as Dh would probably say we had already made plans this evening but Dh said nothing while our plans went down the pan and stepson sat there until 10:15 before going home and all Dh could say was it wasn’t his fault as he didn’t know he was going to turn up.
AIBU to have thought he would have said something as we had plans?
I hadn’t bought enough ingredients for a date night for 3 so I didn’t end up cooking the salmon but Dh did open the wine and pour it 3 ways.

The research based on statistics that have been chosen to prove the point the study is trying to make, you mean?

How are the subjects for these research studies selected? Are they chosen at random from the entire population? Or are they purely from families who have gone through the courts? Or just people who have volunteered to go through the research process, and therefore it cannot be guaranteed it's a true cross section of the population?

Have you read any on blended families where everyone has had a positive experience and no courts or social workers have been involved?

They are not without merit, but they are never the whole picture and should not be used as such.

I am suggesting don't move in with a man whilst your children are still children.

Is it no longer a blended family once the children are adults then?

Because in case you've forgotten, the step son here is an adult. And OPs children belong to her and her H that she lives with.

I mean it would still be a blended family, but once children are grown up I don't think it unreasonable for a parent to move in with their partner.

And did you notice from page 9/10 the OP became quite derogatory about the SS.

The resentment is always bubbling.

Could be read as derogatory, could be read as factual.

He doesn't live with them, has never lived with them, currently has no friends and spends most of his evenings with them.

It's a fact, it's not badmouthing.

She mentioned accomodating every Sunday. Which could be what they did, or could just be a throw away comment in response to someone saying step children are part of the package. Because what she said was that it's different to an adult being there all the time. That doesn't mean that they "accommodated" him on a Sunday. It means this is a different scenario to a child who is regularly there.

You are just desperately pushing the agenda that step parents are awful.

This thread doesn't exist if it's her 25 year old child.

I've had conversations with parents about how worried they are that their adult children have no social lives of their own. And that they can't wait for them to leave.

People differ from you. That's a real thing too.

This! Plans don’t become not plans because they’re in your house!

Families as a whole have lots of problems though. Most mumsnet relationships threads seem to be about nuclear families. Husbands cheating, inlaws etc.
Presumably if a family is blended, the original nuclear families were pretty rubbish in the first place.
Lots of people make a blended family work.
You wouldn't get to hear about it though, because we're not being studied by scientists or in the family court system. "Family with step dad/mum/sis is doing ok actually" wouldn't be news.

The National Institutes of Health are the biggest medical research organization in the world, who have been responsible for huge medical breakthroughs.

They state that children from blended families are less likely to be socially and emotionally stable.

But what do those bunch of wallies know hey?

I'll ask you again, who are the participants in these studies? How are they selected? Who funded the study? What was the reason they set out to study the blended family in the first place? What did they expect to see / want it to show?

I spent MANY years being taught about how institutions conduct studies and how to decide whether or not they applied to all circumstances. And do you know what the overarching advice from the scientific professors teaching me this was? Only use them if they match the context and were funded by someone without any bias in it. Otherwise they're meaningless, regardless of who conducted it.

So tell me, do you pay attention to those, or just to the fact there's been a study?

No links I send you are going to make any difference.

If you really wish to read up there is lots out there.

But you refuse to believe there may be in truth in it, and that's absolutely fine.

I've said there's merit. But without applying context to them, they do not cover everything.

Your tunnel vision is disturbing.

You keep saying "your" without doing any sort of research.

It's widely accepted that children from in tact two parent families do better in almost every area of their lives.

But I am done trying to convince you.

No, when I say "your", that's because I'm talking to you about you.

You're also assuming that I've never done any research. Rather than paying attention to the fact that I've TOLD you that stats can be manipulated to show whatever the finder of the study wants to show from it. I've read studies, I have my own views on what I would do in my own life.

What I don't do is tell everyone else that their choices are wrong, because studies, and then refuse to believe people who have a contradictory experience to the things I've read.

Because I'm not an out of touch, judgemental arse who looks down my nose at anyone who can't drop £££ on something "not special" and who's life worked out differently to mine.

So do you disagree?

Do you not think as a rule children do better in a married two parent family with Mum and Dad?

I think that children do best with parents who do what is best for the children.

That could be staying married, it could be splitting up. In some circumstances it could be a step parent (as we've seen here and I've seen in my own circle, there are people who are better off with a step than a bio).

Do you honestly believe that two married parents who are in a miserable relationship is best for children?

I am not talking about anecdotal examples I am talking about documented research.

Children who are privately educated get better grades and go on to hold the most powerful positions.

7% of the country are privately educated, but 50% of newspapers editors are privately educated, 62% of senior judges, 52% of the house of lords.

Now you could tell me an anecdotal example of a privately educated druggie on the dole, but it wouldn't change facts would it.

I asked you a question.

Do you honestly believe that two married parents who are in a miserable relationship is best for children?

Answer it. You are giving us facts that you say are what you believe. Which means you likely think this is true. Despite the damage that seeing dysfunctional relationships growing up is well documented to do.

So, answer me.

Don't agree...some people prefer to eat in rather than out....so it's a plan/date regardless of location

Do you and @coulditbeme2323 think you might want to carry this on elsewhere as the thread is being derailed by your argument

To answer your question, I think there are always exceptions (like the one I gave you above) - but exceptions are not the rule.

The fact you won't give a straight answer tells us everything.

I don't agree if it was a planned occasion just the two of you. I probably wouldn't have said anything but I would've been pissed off. It doesn't matter where the location is - the fact is that it was carving out some time for solely each other which is important

What if one of the shiny new children had woken up? Then it would have been the same result.

The fact this young man wants to come over at all (don’t think he doesn’t know that you think he’s strange and friendless) is quite shocking.

I hope he gets the confidence to get on with his life without that kind of negativity.