To have expected him to have said something?

[poorlytoe]

We had a date night planned as we both thought we needed to spend some quality time together so we bought some wine, agreed on a nice meal to have just us once the little ones had gone to bed which is 7:00.

Anyway about 6:50 just as I was upstairs getting the children ready for bed and looking forward to the evening we had planned, step son turned up baring in mind he is in his 20s and lives a 10 minute walk away, I assumed he wouldn’t stay long as Dh would probably say we had already made plans this evening but Dh said nothing while our plans went down the pan and stepson sat there until 10:15 before going home and all Dh could say was it wasn’t his fault as he didn’t know he was going to turn up.
AIBU to have thought he would have said something as we had plans?
I hadn’t bought enough ingredients for a date night for 3 so I didn’t end up cooking the salmon but Dh did open the wine and pour it 3 ways.

Absolutely - I am more than happy with my decisions. Though I’d argue that you were trying to convince people. I don’t doubt there are some blended families that don’t work - maybe even the majority of them - but SOME do. And that’s why you were/are wrong - because you stated they NEVER work.

I think the parents often think they work, there is also a tonne of evidence out there that kids will say they are happy as they think they should.

The reality is there are very few kids who want their kids to break up, and even fewer who want Mum to move her new bloke in.

You did see that the ‘child’ is an adult, right? 🙄

Honestly, the martyrdom in parts of this thread is off the scale.

ETA: And while I’m at it, not all of us believe children should always come first even when they ARE children. Everyone needs to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around them and only them.

I don’t disagree, but my story is that my life was infinitely bettered when my mum moved her ‘new bloke’ in. That new bloke has been in my life since I was 4 and then lived with me since I was 9 when they got married. He has always treated me the same as my sisters and made it known he sees me as the same. On the flip side, the man who made my mother pregnant with me picked me up and put me down when he could be bothered and I haven’t seen or spoken to him for two decades.

It’s a similar story for my eldest son, though he had slightly more contact with his biological father when he was younger.

That's sad, I am sorry.

That’s just as well, really. 😂

And totally normal, as I explained above.

What’s sad? That I have two loving parents? And one not so loving one. Admittedly the not so loving one has played havoc with my self esteem but the other two made sure effects of that were as limited as they could be.

Naw I'd be annoyed too OP. When my kids were small, this is exactly what mine and my exDH date nights looked like because when the kids were little we were strapped for cash, so we bought something a bit nicer for dinner and would cook together in the kitchen with some wine and really talk. A few times, including my birthday and our wedding anniversary, my in laws dropped in unannounced and my DH wouldnt say anything because it took them an hour to drive to us! They knew at LEAST an hour in advance they were coming so why couldn't they drop us a text to see if it suited. They did it in badness as they knew I hate unannounced visitors (I know many of mumsnet are against this, but I find it rude.) The kids were in bed, so it wasnt like they were trying to see them.

Im sorry but plans are plans no matter if they are at home or not. I'd literally have no downtime if I didnt carve it out at home. And it sucks when you've been looking forward to something all day for it to be snatched away like that.

About your biological Dad, that he didn't want to know.

Nobody deserves that.

After reading your updates I’m surprised you were surprised at him turning up unannounced.

maybe the next time give him a bit of advanced warning that you have a date night planned for X night. That would be much easier for your DH than feeling he’s turning his DS away

I have no first hand of experience of blended families

Oh, so you have zero idea what you're talking about.

I have never smoked, but I know it causes lung cancer.

"Look Dave, its a bit awkward but your dad and I have planned a quiet dinner and an early night, if you understand what I mean. So can we take a rain check on tonight Ill get your coat."

Thats the modern equivalent of what my gran would have said and no one ever argued with her.

'Explained'? Who do you think you are?

You admit you have no experience of blended families yourself and yet you're trying to contradict the lived experiences of those who have, based on your experience in family courts (where inevitably you're going to see the families that haven't worked out and not the ones who have), and because 'huge amounts of data and research'. (And everyone knows those are always 100% reliable and impervious to manipulation/selective reading, right?! 🙄)

And that's before I even get started on the dismissal of OP's priorities, harping on about 'a bit of manky salmon' and trying to tell people what date nights do and don't consist of. Do you have any idea how arrogant you're making yourself seem on this thread? I suggest you stop trying to 'explain' blended living to people who actually have lived experience of blended families, wind your neck in a bit and learn some humility. 'Explained', my arse.

Do you have a blended family?

What an idiotic comparison, for many reasons. Not least because it undermines your original statement so perfectly it's embarrassing.

Blended family by any chance?

I don't, and I agree with everything that PP said.

As I have said people are free to think what they want.

Oh I've just realised you're the poster who managed to spend £600 on "doing nothing" because you don't class eating out or having brunch as doing stuff 🤣

No wonder you have the attitude towards OP you do. Even £70 on takeaway or brunch at £50 a pop is not noteworthy to you, so a nice night in is baffling.

You are genuinely out of touch with reality.

That has nothing to do with this thread.

You keep on acting like its all my opinion, there has been research since the mid 70's on this by medical professionals, governments, education, and they all reach the same conclsuion.

If you think I am a clueless twerp that's fine, but you surely aren't suggesting thousands of experts in their field are.

I'm suggesting that when children of blended families have told you their own experiences and that they were positive, you should believe them and not tell them it's not possible because data.

Statistics can be manipulated to show whatever you're trying to. If you're going to spend your life living by studies and data, you need to know that. Lived experiences however, they happened.

Get a grip on the reality of life. Not all biological parents are good and not all step parents are bad for children. And also, your opinion is what you're giving. It's just based on something you've read.

If you want to ignore all the research, I am not going to try and convince you otherwise.

@coulditbeme2323 are you suggesting that once a women gets divorced then that’s it, not chance at a second relationship - just celebacy and aloneness?