To have expected him to have said something?

[poorlytoe]

We had a date night planned as we both thought we needed to spend some quality time together so we bought some wine, agreed on a nice meal to have just us once the little ones had gone to bed which is 7:00.

Anyway about 6:50 just as I was upstairs getting the children ready for bed and looking forward to the evening we had planned, step son turned up baring in mind he is in his 20s and lives a 10 minute walk away, I assumed he wouldn’t stay long as Dh would probably say we had already made plans this evening but Dh said nothing while our plans went down the pan and stepson sat there until 10:15 before going home and all Dh could say was it wasn’t his fault as he didn’t know he was going to turn up.
AIBU to have thought he would have said something as we had plans?
I hadn’t bought enough ingredients for a date night for 3 so I didn’t end up cooking the salmon but Dh did open the wine and pour it 3 ways.

Pop round is very different from turning up unannounced, expecting dinner and staying til bedtime

No, "opinions" are not facts

The trick is to have a sufficiently good relationship with them that you can kindly tell them to sod off when you really want to be on your own.

Completely agree with this.

She said he saw him one day a week - on a Sunday. And she was happy to ‘accommodate that’

Exactly, and this family does not have a good relationship due to husband’s previous behaviour. So now, she’s stuck.

50/50 was not the default when this 25yr old was a child. Nor is it even the norm now, as most contact generally speaking still ends up with the mother. Many mothers do not want fathers to have anywhere near 50/50 contact, due to being the primary and more present parent.

As for "once a week", it's not though, this 25yr old adult is rocking up uninvited every evening. He's not a child, he's an adult. Every evening is excessive even for an adult who feels traumatised by child abandonment, although, I'd argue that wasn't the case as he did have weekly contact with his father.

My father suffered actual abandonment by a parent, he never ever saw him again in his life. Even my father would think this 25yr old is over the top.

For some people it absolutely is a date night. If it's difficult to get babysitters, if money is short, if one of the couple has mental health issues.

Given that the first one has been sabotaged, I'd arrange another and make clear that SS is to be sent away if he turns up.

OK - having read this update you do have a big SS problem.

If he works he really doesn't need to monopolise your evenings for his social life.

A conversation needs to be had between your DH and SS. Explain that you are both tired with work and children and need regular down time. On the days SS comes round after work he is to leave no later than eg.8pm. Arrange which days he can come round - days which work best with your schedule.

You are not your SS's entertainment. He needs to either get some friends or learn how to entertain himself at home.

Including the adult (grown up in theory) child.

And all unblended families work do they? Ridiculous, families of all shapes and sizes, blended or non blended have their happy days and their issues.

Totally! Too many people on here judging what constitutes a special night.

By the sounds of this @poorlytoe you don't have a SS problem, you have a DH problem.

Your DH needs to set some boundaries here rather than being so very concerned about not upsetting a 25 year old who he should be able to have a reasonable conversation with. It's unfair for you to end up upset rather than SS.

I am very much of the mindset of my DD will be welcome any time, as I am at my own DM house. That will never change. The difficulty in our family is that life is so chaotic that neither my DM nor me get to spend enough time with our respective DDs so both me and DM take whatever we can get.

But I appreciate the difficulties of a little bit of quiet time with DH when DC are small and life is hectic. It sounds like you don't mind SS being there in principle but it sounds like it is all the time which is where the probelm is.

DH needs to have the conversation about what's reasonable

It was discussed and meant to be “ special” as it’s not something they do every day and sometimes when you have dc these things have been neglected. I don’t one why some posters are minimising the op’s evening - it was meant to be coupled time, sometimes people can’t get babysitters ect

And on next week's episode of 'All Sweeping Generalisations Are Wrong'... 🙄

Reasonable according to the OP?

I don’t know how long the OP
has been with her DH but it speaks to his fathering skills that his son wants to spend time with him despite the fact his dad now has a shiny new family and the OP clearly not being on board with it and writing him off as a bit of a saddo.

I based that on OP saying he was getting pissed off about it too.

Untrue again. And it’s nothing to do with what the mother wants. 50/50 is the default court option. Of course, hopefully nothing ever goes to court but a dad would get more than one night a week.

And one night a week was what he gave his CHILD, not talking about now. Why are you repeatedly posting backing this deadbeat of a father?

How old are your two children? Is there any reason that your stepson can't look after the children? As payback, could your DH could ask him if he could look the DC so the two of you could have a night out.

What an earth is payback for

his dad hasn’t done him a favour by granting him an audience

This. I get that its slightly frustrating but something that you can do any night surely, just do it another night!

According to the OP's, for showing up uninvited resulting in them cancelling their date night. I can understand him dropping by and think the DH did the right thing by not asking him to leave. However, since he is adult why not make use of him so they could have a date night another day?

So he has to babysit for his replacements? Cool.

OP just needs to get her DH to explain that they were having a meal and that, if he must come round, he gives three months’ notice.

Course it does.

No it comes from 50 years of clinical research on the family.