Are parents too involved in teenagers' A levels and independence compared to how they used to be?

[Theboredpanda]

…and is this helpful or detrimental to young people? I just saw a thread on here about parents talking about how “they’re” getting through A Levels at the moment. The “they’re” meaning them and their kids. I’d say I had good, supportive parents, but by A Levels and college they had no idea what I was doing day-to-day. They couldn’t tell you what exams I was sitting on what days unless I told them. Although I was still living at home, I was expected to be independent by that age and be doing my own thing with minimal support from my parents. This was in the early 2000s, was this other people’s experience of back then and do you think parents are too involved in their teenagers lives these days and is this stopping them from becoming independent?

I’m working with a child psychologist at the moment who says she’s seen far too many cases of the parents doing everything (coursework, personal essays, ucas, organising homework) stopping short of actually writing the exams on the day, such that the young people crash out of university in a sadly spectacular fashion as they can’t cope without the parental input.

I think parents are generally over involved in the lives of their children. I’m astounded that people use location tracking on phones and check where they are constantly. It’s not healthy. I joined FB What I Wish I Knew About Uni & there are parents getting involved in fall outs between house mates & all sorts. No wonder the younger generation are all anxious & can’t cope!

Yes I find it bizarre. 12 years ago when I did mine my mum asked ‘all sorted’ and I confirmed and that was that. AAA. There’s way too much involvement now and I think it builds the terror in kids minds and is actually to their detriment.

A chilled parent = a kid who knows it’s not the end of their future if they get a duff grade.

I know what exams my DD is doing (currently doing A levels) and its on my calendar. Of course i’d know as I ask her what’s next etc. I have no other involvement than that, but of course parents will know basic details.

The problem with that statement is that "involvement" isn't standard. There is good and bad involvement.

Generally speaking the research is very clear that on average more involved parents see better outcomes for their children (educationally) than less involved parents.

But that doesn't mean there isn't a cost to that educational achievement (potentially independence or resilience) and it doesn't mean that all involvement is good.

E.g. being involved to the extent that you know what is going on academically in your teenagers life, you can spot any problems that maybe they can't see, you can help make sure there aren't family distractions or obstacles, and you are there if they run into trouble.

is very different from micro-managing every aspect, forcing them to work, or even doing work for them.

The issue with a lack of involvement is that it works wonders with self-motivated, disciplined children who take that freedom and grow into it. But it entirely fails those who are not ready to take on that degree of self-responsibility (which is not a problem, and is entirely normal at that age) who instead fall away from what they could achieve because no one is helping them stay on a more productive pathway.

(if anyone is interested in the research, there is a lot.. you can look it up - but as a place to start, here is a meta analysis from this year of 40 research projects into this. Reviewing all of them the results again clearly show a correlation between parental involvement and academic success - https://www.researchgate.net/publication/366012469_Parental_Involvement_and_Academic_Achievement_A_Meta-analysis )

I’m not remotely involved in my dds alevels as I think she’s too old for parental input and needs to be able to do it herself.

They never asked you how they went? My parents had little involvement but they showed some interest in basic details such as how it went.

Yes obviously they cared after but I mean they didn’t track my revision or insist I do X hours or know what my texts or coursework were even.

I have a couple of friends who won’t make plans for months leading up to their children’s exams as ‘they’ have to revise or at least be there to supervise and support them. I think that’s barking mad and controlling. I let mine get on with it but will help them with tricky material if asked and encourage them to revise in their own time. They are super independent and capable kids. I didn’t feel an ounce of ‘stress’ on their behalf and think it’s super weird that some people get themselves so worked up over it.

Totally agree with you. I know parents who are having to literally study / revise ‘with’ their DC, including getting up at 5am to do so. Parents who are reading core texts to ‘help’ their DC, parents who make revision timetables for them, who spends hours making flash cards for them, who ‘pay’ them for every good grade they receive. All that happens is they can’t cope in either uni or a place of work as they simply are not independent or self directed enough. As a parent of a DC currently doing exams I make sure they eat and sleep and offer some reassuring words of encouragement where possible. My DC did point out that I wasn’t ‘paying her to revise like other parents’, which was quickly shot down!

Yes. Parents are far, far too involved in everything and expect no accountability from children. A local FB group has a campaign running about the school Prom. Parents are outraged that bad behaviour will result in precious DC not being allowed to attend said Prom. It’s madness.

Yes parenting is very different now. I think it’s because people have children later and invest more in them and they are more part of their lifestyle. It seems a shock when they leave. (Whilst the point of parenting is to turn out fully functional adults at 18).

Also childhood has been extended back then more left at 16, could smoke etc. Also there is more £ for more parents, with the student loan set up.

Sorry not well written. I’m barely awake!

I wonder if there is a correlation with class? The middle classes are more likely to value education etc?

I have 1 doing A levels and 1 doing GCSEs atm and yes there does seem to be an awful lot of parental over involvement on here.
i know when the exams are, wish them luck and then a cursery hope it went well when they get home. This is my experience with all other parents i know however on here (I'm on gcse thread) the parents seem to know absolutely everything! Which exam board, what the content of the exam will be, last year's grading boundaries ect, that's before revising with their children and seemingly contacting school about every little thing.
Im veering from thinking I'm a crap parent to they need to ease up because their children must be feeling so much pressure from them!

Edited for spelling

That was exactly my experience, OP.

My parents were supportive, but A Levels were always my choice and if I'd wanted to drop out, that would have been my choice too, and as long as I got a job, my parents would have been supportive of that too. My 6th form life and work was very much my responsibility, both from the perspective of my parents and the sixth form college. I don't remember parents' evenings or any involvement really, but that could be my memory failing me!

I suppose it's different now, with young people having to stay in education until 18 - perhaps that's partly the difference?

I know the dates of my son's A levels because they were emailed to me by the school. Also that sort of thing would surely come up in conversation.
I think parents are told a lot more information these days - there were parent information evenings at my son's school all about revision, Ucas, student finance, stress etc. I don't think there was any such thing when I was at school.
My son is doing A Levels that I know nothing about - stem subjects - so I have not attempted to help in anyway. I did get involved in nagging him to apply for student finance otherwise he would have ended up with no student loan in September!

I didn’t realise other parents did this. My eldest has ASD and ADHD and I find I have to keep just the right amount of involvement or he wouldn’t do anything. He often doesn’t anyway! I just assumed that the majority of other parents simply checked in with their child now and then to ask how it was going. I know that’s all my brother had to do with my niece, who is neurotypical and also very independent. I will add that I realise all children are different, neurodivergence notwithstanding.

Mumsnet has been around since 2000 so it would be interesting to do a comparison between posts then and now to see if there is a change in parental attitude/involvement. The friends I have didn't seem too involved and in fact in a couple of cases I would say very very hands off. Not sure how representative MN is?

Like everything, it's a case of good balance.

I was involved in helping them navigate what they needed to prepare for uni. No involvement whatsoever in their actual studies, they were free to organise their lives, I just asked to know if they were going to be late and yes, I liked to know where they were, but they knew it was a me problem, they did it to appease me!

The problem nowadays is parents, more likely mothers), often SAHM, who live their lives through the lives of their kids. Their lives are boring so they want to experience excitement and success through their kids. Their success becomes their own.

The problem is the young adults themselves get lost in confusing building their own future and building the future for their parents. They don't get the chance to develop their own ambitions and sense of self development. Then there is the lack of experience of making ones own decisions and navigating through the errors on the way.

Finally, it creates laziness and anxiety that they will let down their parents, and the ramification that comes with it.

In the 2010s I went to Uni of Leeds as a mature student and was regularly bewildered by the amount of students who were writing their essays with their parents' help.

Some had full input from parents and others would get their Mum or Dad to check their essays over and edit before submission.

These were perfectly capable and intelligent 19 and 20 year olds, living away from home who for whatever reason were relying heavily on their parents and their parents were enabling them.

If I’m paying £25k a year then I’ll be involved in the university DS chooses. I haven’t been involved in his course choices though.

in terms of actual ‘help’ though - I wouldn’t be able to even if I wanted to, alevels are far too hard! Dd is doing double maths, chem and bio and often shows me her maths as she gets excited by it - most people including me would just think wtf is all that cot and tan.

Similar to OP for me in the early 90s - my parents were generally supportive but didn't have any active involvement in my studies or revision. By A-Level stage it wouldn't have been much use as none of the subjects I was studying were subjects my parents had studied beyond their O-Levels, so I knew more than they did, and I was perfectly capable of devising my own revision schedule.

I've seen this with relatives - parent and/or grandparent helping students with essays on courses where grades are mainly based on continuous assessment.

I always smile when I see Facebook posts from parents looking for a job/work experience for their child, someone will also ask why the child isn’t the one doing the looking and the parent (and sometimes others) will always get on the defensive about how young people just don’t use Facebook. As if it’s some sort of crime to set up an account just for this reason. Just delete it afterwards?!