Are parents too involved in teenagers' A levels and independence compared to how they used to be?

[Theboredpanda]

…and is this helpful or detrimental to young people? I just saw a thread on here about parents talking about how “they’re” getting through A Levels at the moment. The “they’re” meaning them and their kids. I’d say I had good, supportive parents, but by A Levels and college they had no idea what I was doing day-to-day. They couldn’t tell you what exams I was sitting on what days unless I told them. Although I was still living at home, I was expected to be independent by that age and be doing my own thing with minimal support from my parents. This was in the early 2000s, was this other people’s experience of back then and do you think parents are too involved in their teenagers lives these days and is this stopping them from becoming independent?

My memories are of my mother being so uninvolved that she accused me of using hiding away in my room to use revision as an excuse to get out of housework, because she thought my A levels were at least two weeks away - when in fact the first one was the next day. Needless to say, she had been told the start date, it was just too unimportant for her to remember.

So I tend to think a bit of involvement is not at all a bad thing, so long as it's not suffocating.

I don’t think so. Things have changed dramatically since many of us were that age. As difficult as it can be for parents to decide how much influence , today's reality is very different from what it was decades ago.

Many parents are paying eye-watering university fees, while vocational education and alternative career pathways are just not there as much as they should . At the same time, the job market has become VERY competitive. It's no longer like the old days, when someone could leave one job, find another the next day, and then switch again six months later without much difficulty. Because of this, I think many parents become more involved in helping guide their children. I don’t think that their intention is to control them, but to give them the best possible start in life and help them navigate an increasingly challenging and uncertain future.

It's all to do with supply and demand. If their DC only apply to the top 5 universities they must realise that not everyone will get a place.

They think it is beyond the pale to apply for a university outside the top 10. Given that many more companies recruit university blind these days I don't understand this view.

I think there's also an element of life being a lot less forgiving these days. 'Failure to Launch' carries a lot more long term consequences than it did in the past. Workplace competition is a lot fiercer so just getting that first foot on the ladder is extremely competitive.

A lot of parents recognise this as a motivational aspect to try to keep their child on track and focused. Back in my day if you flunked your A levels you could always do something else. There isn't necessarily that safety net anymore.

I'm probably one of the parents you are talking about. I don't helicopter in other ways - DC have a lot more freedom than most of my friends' children and I have zero interest in getting involved in friendship issues (it annoys me when parents do interfere), but I am quite heavily involved in making sure DD revises etc.

I was brought up in a very hands off way but I was very driven so did well academically anyway. Unfortunately, DD really struggles with concentration and organisation and although she has been left to try to learn from mistakes in the past, she doesn't seem to change after the mistakes! She very much takes after her dad who had zero interest from parents and didn't do well at all in school because of the same issues. His parents still say 'it should all be down to the kids and it's all a learning experience' but their kids came away from school with very few qualifications and that's still a cause of embarrassment for them. I just want her to know she has tried her best, I know she won't get amazing grades and that's ok.

Having said all that, I will be very happy if she chooses a more vocational route after gcses and I have said if she does a levels then they need to be ones she can self study with as I can't carry on helping her revise everything. What she moves to next is down to her completely and I don't want to influence her choices etc.

I do find that a lot of young people I work with are a lot less resilient than I was and I have noticed a pattern that those who had an unhealthy amount of support from their parents expect us as their boss to do a lot more for them and they need a lot more handholding.

I was never overly academic and my mum knew that - she did ask how my exams were going and offer me support but she worked shifts so wasn’t around all the time. By the time I did my A levels I had a part time job and was getting myself around by myself so I relied on myself a lot more and I think having to be quite self sufficient did me the world of good to be honest!

I think there's also an element of life being a lot less forgiving these days. 'Failure to Launch' carries a lot more long term consequences than it did in the past.

I think this is true.
When I was at school you could resit any O level you had failed in the January resits. Now you can only resit maths and English in autumn. You can resit other subjects the following summer, but I don't know how easy it is.

Some universities don't allow A level resits for subjects like medicine or other very competitive courses.

I think the point made by many though is that being so involved is not giving them the best start at all. Those who cannot manage without significant parental help will find university out of their depth. And bring all the stress and anxiety that goes with that.
Perhaps if they cannot achieve under their own steam then university is not for them ?
And the level of reliance undermines an independence of being they should be having.

We know when the exams (A levels) are as they are on the calendar and we have taken them into school for the exams this week as they’d have got soaked in the rain otherwise and who wants to sit an exam in wet clothing?
We’ve been on hand over half term to make food/take out for lunches etc so they get a break and fresh air. No way are we paying them to revise, learning their exam source texts, writing any flash cards - that all forms part of their revision.
GCSEs where the DC are a lot younger probably do require a little more supervision and support from parents. ND might need more.

I did my A Levels in the late 1980s and my parents would've been quite invested and known what I was doing, on my back about revision etc. I mean they wouldn't have done my coursework for me, but I certainly wouldn't say I was 'independent' at that stage. I'd say the level of involvement is linked more to the individuals involved rather than the time period.

I agree many parents are. My parents were extremely strict and controlling so I make a real effort in this regard not to be the same. That said i do feel the stress of exams second hand because it impacts their mental health and the tension in the house is higher.

I see my role and supporting their mental health by asking what,if anything they need,making myself available to talk if needed,supporting as needed with exploring career paths and next steps and making sure they have access to healthy meals.

I do see some parents very heavily involved in managing revision, taxi ing back and forth, dictating routines etc and I do wonder how those kids are gonna cope at uni later in the year so yanbu

My parents would have died sooner than contact the school (80s). I wish they had been more hands on because I really could have done with a kick up the backside.

The pendulum does seem to have swung too far now in a lot of cases. I did give guidance to the dcs (well, one anyway because he was very backward in coming forward) but all this involvement seems suffocating.

The Oxbridge threads are eye-opening. One mother asking about the overnight accommodation she and her dd would have for interview. And parents having to be told that they cannot sit in the waiting area before interview, and certainly not go in with their offspring!

I do think many parents of teens are OTT about certain things, such as paying their child for attending school, paying them to revise etc, and some are 'helping' where they should be letting them take responsibility. However, the flip side of this is my experience, doing GCSE's and college in the 90s, where my parents didn't get involved at all and I had no idea how to organise my life, discipline myself to study, or even know how to study. I know there were others who could, but for me, I could have benefitted from a bit more from my parents in terms of support and interest in my life, as I ultimately went off the rails for a few years and they didn't even realise. Now I have a teen DD, I'm trying to strike a balance between encouraging independence and privacy, and taking an interest in her life, and, where necessary, offering advice.

Yeah, it's crazy. I find things like Life 360 utterly horrifying, where parents basically stalk and spy on their DC even after they become adults and text and call them if they can't see them on these wretched apps.

My kids are teens. I don't check their phones, I'm not on Snapchat, we don't spy on our kids at all. One is now an adult and we treat him as such. I don't want to infantilise him and atrophy his development and I find it creepy and actually really damaging that so many parents do this to their kids. Do they want them to fail to move on with their lives and build lives as adults? I don't understand it. Parent properly, raise your kids to be independent and then let them get on with their lives! The one thing guaranteed to make them fail as adults is having you hanging onto them and making them think they can't do things for themselves and that they NEED you to manage their lives for them.

taxiing back and forth

Important when you live somewhere with poor public transport and unreliable school buses that break down frequently or get cancelled with no notice.

Why would you add to your DC's exam stress by making them wait for a bus that might not turn up or break down on the way to school?

I do think schools are heavily to blame as well though. Even when I did my a levels in 2010 the pressure to go to university was overwhelming. I remember I missed an English theatre trip for A Level as I couldn’t swap my work shift that night and my teacher told me I’d never get far in life if I didn’t prioritise my education. I think schools put far too much pressure on kids around exams and then some parents pile on even more.

exams, grades and university are not the be all and end all and if they are impacting a teenager or young adults mental health you have to ask if the pressure is worth it.

Tony Blair politicised education. He made it so no parent wanted to admit their child could not get into university. Everyone was brilliant. Year on year they worked harder than the year before and were more able than the year before.
He left the pragmatic skills, just as valuable, just as financially valuable later in life to rot. No engagement with organisations that could boost apprenticeships.
Academic children may not be able to do the things those more inclined to organisational or pragmatic skills could do.
He tried to fit every person into a square peg. And left the round pegs out.
And to make it worse, let universities charge a small fortune for going.

I didn't do A-Levels, but had similar back seat parents when I did my GCSE's and to be quite honest with you, I think they failed me. My parents were so wrapped up in their own shitty marriage that I was left to just get on with it. They knew I was attending school and the exams and my memory is that they had no idea what sort of revision I was doing, how much, etc.

The reality for me was that I was failing miserably. A likely undiagnosed ADHD with literally no idea what revising actually meant in practical terms and I failed most of my exams or just scraped through. I consider myself relatively intelligent and really feel if I'd been given more support in those exams I could have achieved a lot more, or even just a bit more confidence to feel like I could achieve more.

I listen to friends now discussing their kids exams and wish so much I'd had that support. It's not like they can sit in the exam hall and do them for them, so it's all on the kids really but some solid encouragement from home is a great thing as far as I can tell.

But that’s not teaching her concentration and organisation skills is it? It’s setting her up to fail. If she’s not developing those skills at GCSE level then further study after that is going to be a significant shock, as will any job role that requires concentration and organisation (so every job role).

@MaryWalrus Most 17 year olds going for an Oxbridge interview will stay overnight with a parent the night before if they are coming from a distance! It’s perfectly normal! I don’t know why you think someone being interviewed whilst they are in y13 would stay overnight alone? Obviously you drop dc off though! My DDs boarded - no parental helicoptering here.

Those tracking apps… thank goodness they weren’t around in my day 😁

Asking a (grown) dc to check in is one thing, but following their every move is weird. I wouldn’t want my family tracking me like a stag, even if all I’m doing is trotting round Waitrose.

100% agree.

My parents (1980s) didn’t get involved at all. I got on with it myself, while working at weekends, playing sport and socialising. Likewise, I was pretty hands off when my DC were doing all their exams, including GSCEs. I only knew what exams they had because I asked/they told me. I wasn’t across the timetable.

I was v supportive in other ways: bringing drinks and snacks while they were revising, breakfast in bed on exam days, checking they went to sleep at a decent time, making sure their clothes were ready, ironed etc.

And of course showed an interest: asking how the revision was going, offering to test them on stuff, talking through the odd thing they might be struggling with, asking what their plans were for weekends and if they were out a lot, asking when they were planning to fit their revision in.

But IMHO, it’s not a good idea to interfere in their revision, tell them what to do when, get yourself in a tizzy, have battles. It creates more stress. IMHO, from 14, kids should be encouraged to become young adults, rather than treated like children. They have to start to be responsible for themselves, which most want to do. Otherwise, they leave school unable to organise themselves.

@MeetMeOnTheCorner the college provides accommodation - for the interviewee with other hopefuls. The parent is welcome to stay in a Travelodge (or grander).

Unfortunately, DD really struggles with concentration and organisation and although she has been left to try to learn from mistakes in the past, she doesn't seem to change after the mistakes!

Exactly the same with my DS. TBH he has textbook adhd traits to the extreme but there’s no other help or support so I feel like I have to step in and be heavily involved in terms of organising homework etc. or he will inevitably mess it up and leave school with little options. No idea how things will fare post school but that bridge will be crossed when it comes to it.

I have one in Year 12 doing mocks at the moment. The school email us the timetable well in advance, with very clear instructions and what they need and do not. Yes, I make sure DD goes to bed early, has changed her batteries in her calculator, eats a proper breakfast beforehand etc

And in life, I focus on her understanding about budgeting, washing clothes, cleaning her room, planning her career and subject choices, understanding financial markets, insurance, how to cook, drive, what healthy human relationships are, how to build a CV from early on etc.
I do not get involved in the nitty gritty of academics or past papers etc but make sure she has all the resources she needs to succeed and practise the right exam boards. Her school is very much on the case, but if it were not, yes I would be involved.