Are parents too involved in teenagers' A levels and independence compared to how they used to be?

[Theboredpanda]

…and is this helpful or detrimental to young people? I just saw a thread on here about parents talking about how “they’re” getting through A Levels at the moment. The “they’re” meaning them and their kids. I’d say I had good, supportive parents, but by A Levels and college they had no idea what I was doing day-to-day. They couldn’t tell you what exams I was sitting on what days unless I told them. Although I was still living at home, I was expected to be independent by that age and be doing my own thing with minimal support from my parents. This was in the early 2000s, was this other people’s experience of back then and do you think parents are too involved in their teenagers lives these days and is this stopping them from becoming independent?

I don’t have kids so no idea of the exam involvement but I have noticed it drifting into other areas. I worked in elite sport for 15 years - for a governing body and for a professional high profile team. The number of enquiries we got from parents wanting work experience for their kids was astonishing. We’d take several a year, of all levels, but our policy was that we would only consider enquiries which came directly from the young person.

My DD is first year A levels. I was 40 when she was born. We have very little involvement. If she has a test, yes we ask how it went. If she needs more paper or text books we buy them. We attended a parents evening via zoom. Thats it.

She wants to go to Uni, and we want her to be ready. That is hers to achieve not us!

Yep, I'm with you. My parents made sure I had a quiet place to study, and asked if I needed any money for extra pens, pencils etc for my tests. That was it, and they were super supportive engaged parents, but they trusted me to have it sorted and that I would ask for help if I needed. I did my ucas for myself, although my Dad did give me a lift to my interviews as they were all over the country.

I'm involved in my daughters 11+ practice as she is 10, but by 18 I would expect ger to be self sufficient

I checked whether mine needed any pens, made sure there was plenty of food for good healthy meals and favourite snacks, did a few laundries for him (he usually does his own), and provided plenty of hay fever tablets. My DS responds far better to being left alone to get on with it - a lot of fuss makes him overwhelmed and anxious, and treating exam days like every other day has helped him stay calm and on track.

When I was doing Alevels, I was already "above" what my mother had done. My dad understood my Maths, but not the other 4 subjects. Their help was ensuring i had healthy meals, peace and quiet, internet access, books etc. (There was also long rambling discussions about Maths at the dinner table, but my father had a Maths degree, my brother was doing one, mu Mum "only" had Highers but worked with Maths ..Maths was just a natural part of our lives, which was probsbly a massive help withA levels!

My eldest is only Yr10 (youngest Yr8, suspected ADHD). I help with work if asked. I ensure Stationery is topped up. Exams are on the calender. DD1 can get obsessive so I stay on top of that to ensure she rests. DD2 reacts badly to being "managed" but we are helping her find what does work.

We are just entering college applications. Weve advised on how subjects go together, but its ultimately how choice.

If I’m paying £25k a year then I’ll be involved in the university DS chooses
And I think this is wrong. Either don't pay (I could have but no way would I have because I didn't want them to see that it came with restrictions), or accept you are giving them the money freely, with no expectations attached to it.

Parents of yesteryear might’ve been more involved if they were going to have to stump up tens of thousands for university.

Yes - and more likely to invest resources into it.

The whole area becomes a messy set of correlations where causation between an individual pair (like parental involvement and educational outcomes) is hard to parse from financial investment, regional differences, school choice, class-based differences etc.

it would be fair to say that in general, parental involvement is likely one of many factors that mediate the relationship between class and educational success.

I sat A Levels in 2005. My mother had the dates and subjects on her calendar, we used to have a chat about the exam when I got home and always wished me good luck and was positive that I could do it on the morning if thr exam.

All revision and coursework was down to me amd that was also the same for GCSE. University is a totally different ball game and kids need to have developed the skills to deal with this. Wishing good luck to all sitting their exams at the moment

A couple of things about this.

Your experience as a kid does not reflect your parents' experience of parenting you! They probably had a much better idea of what was going on than you thought. My kids think I am hands off with them because I make sure they think that but I mostly know what's going on so I can intervene if necessary.

Secondly the level of education in this country is much higher than it was when we were kids. My parents didn't go to university so they couldn't help me navigate those systems. I could have used the help and they would have if they'd known about it but they didn't. Did the posh people running the country have help and intervention from their parents? Of course they bloody did!

Nothing wrong with knowing what exams your children are doing. It’s a healthy interest. I think it’d be weird if you didn’t know - plus they tell you anyway ‘I’ve got maths today’ or ‘the paper was shit’.

My DS always wanted me to test him at A level, he’s quite needy, even at uni as he has mental health issues (anxiety related). It’s more for moral support than anything, as his essays (STEM) are incomprehensible to me! This is at his discretion, not mine, I’d rather he just got on with it and was more resilient. He’s had a DSA mentor the whole time so you can imagine the level of need. I do worry about him in the world of (proper) work when he has a PITA manager or annoying colleagues, but we will see.

DD had no interest in my help whatsoever although DH helped her a bit w A level maths. Teaching wasn’t great!

We never paid to revise but we did give them a monetary gift afterwards to recognise their hard work.

Conversely my parents had virtually no input in my education in the 80s/early 90s because they didn’t really understand the system (my school was crap which didn’t help - standard of education was appalling rather than it being rough).

As a counter to the ‘no you shouldn’t be involved’… my parents took little / no interest in mine or siblings education (beyond sending us to schools that they thought would be good) - and I actually don’t think that was a good thing, and I endeavour to provide my own children with more guidance / support / encouragement / incentives.

All of us probably could have done better in terms of results - and lacked direction because we weren’t really provided with any.

Thankfully we have all ended up ok - but, I think they probably should have done more. They were definitely of the generation which thought if you went to uni, then that was it and everything would be fine.

A counter to the ‘yes everyone’s far too involved’… and maybe this is why they are, a reaction from people whose parents just let them ‘get on with it’ who’d have liked more support and guidance.

100%, I am often shocked by threads on here by people literally living as if they're the ones sitting GCSEs or A-Levels, and even worse, wading into university issues.

It's bizarre to me.

I do think parents are too invested in their children’s lives. When my children were doing A Levels I knew the subjects they were taking and when exams were and we’d wish them good luck. They were encouraged to draw up a revision timetable but we certainly didn’t make them revise. We gave them autonomy. They knew they had to if they wanted to get the grades for uni and they cracked on. We’d ask how the exams went but that was that.
When the time came for uni the choice of uni was theirs. I know will people will shoot me but we didn’t attend the open days. It wasn’t we weren’t interested but it was them going not us and had to be their choice. I’ve a friend who’s a course leader for a uni and said he and other colleagues would prefer the children to come on their own without parental interference. They knew we were there to offer help and advice if they wanted it. A scenario that still stands today.

In the 90s my parents didn’t help me at all- didn’t know anymore than the subjects I’d chosen- and to be honest I felt overwhelmed, lonely and fairly clueless.

we all need mentorship and support. It’s not a sign of weakness. Of course some parents take it too far (and always have) but I think greater support being the norm is wonderful

Having uninvolved parents doesn't mean a child will have learnt independence/resilience. My parents were completely uninvolved and I still had a complete breakdown at uni and had to come home.

Until very recently I was very involved...(overinvolved) with DDs A levels. My anxiety from...PTSD was causing huge hyper-vigilence. Every nag and question of her I knew was not helpful. But came from a trauma response (over-prepare or disaster will happen).

DH said to leave it to her..her results were hers and I could not revise/take them for her.

He was 100% right, and with therapy I am/have taken a huge step back and if the urge to go back to my old habits surfaces, I bite my tongue.or rock in the corner

She, all of us, are much happier now I have backed off.

But just to explain, the "overinvolvement" can sometimes be coming from something pretty shitty..so maybe try and be less "cool" and "smug" here on this thread?

Why would you be paying £25k per year? Wouldn’t your DC get a loan - I mean we paid their rent to the tune of about £7K. Then they pay their loan back over time.

Not sure how DS would have got to the offer holder day in Durham (on a train strike day) without me. It was an 8 hour drive. Perhaps you could advise?

This children need to develop in appropriate stages away from their parents.

He would have missed it and arranged to go another time like my dd did when she was poorly and couldn't go.

I took my A'levels in 1982. My dad had not long since died. My mum flew to Canada to visit family while I was taking them. I remember taking the French oral exam after a massive drinking session the night before and hoping I wasn't breathing Bacardi fumes all over the examiner 😬

Reader, I got a B.

A helicopter parent she was not, bless her.

Not sure how DS would have got to the offer holder day in Durham (on a train strike day) without me. It was an 8 hour drive. Perhaps you could advise?
My DS went alone on the train, 10hours and overnight stay. I worked full time, couldn't take him anyway. He's saved over £15k working at a supermarket since he finished his GCSEs, all through his A levels, during COVID. He paid.

He continued to work through uni. I gave him £200 a month just to help, which he refused initially, I had to insist. It was a token next to his self independence.

Because tuition is almost £10k and rent is £14k (london) plus a rail card and stuff he needs for his room.

I’ve told DS to go to whichever university he wants. He has chosen UCL which is expensive.

why would I not pay if I can? You and others can leave your dc with huge debt if you wish, I don’t want that if it can be avoided. Unsure why that’s a problem.

I agree. Yes we will help pay but it really it really is her choice, its her life after all.