Are parents too involved in teenagers' A levels and independence compared to how they used to be?

[Theboredpanda]

…and is this helpful or detrimental to young people? I just saw a thread on here about parents talking about how “they’re” getting through A Levels at the moment. The “they’re” meaning them and their kids. I’d say I had good, supportive parents, but by A Levels and college they had no idea what I was doing day-to-day. They couldn’t tell you what exams I was sitting on what days unless I told them. Although I was still living at home, I was expected to be independent by that age and be doing my own thing with minimal support from my parents. This was in the early 2000s, was this other people’s experience of back then and do you think parents are too involved in their teenagers lives these days and is this stopping them from becoming independent?

I'm far more involved with my dds' exam periods than my parents were - but at their request and not, imho, to a ridiculous degree. I'm all about helping them to run their own lives but both are WAY clingier to me than I ever was, I cut a lot of slack due to their dad being an abusive twat so they've both been extremely clingy/close to me to compensate for all the trauma I suspect. I genuinely hope both will gradually strike out more on their own, dd1 is just starting to and she's almost 22.

Dd2 sometimes asks me to test her (mid A levels atm). I never have a clue what I'm reading, it's more being a sounding board for her to talk at and test herself! She taught the dog a load of sociology last week, dog was way more patient than me and gazed lovingly at dd2 for the entirety!

I helped her make a revision timetable a few months ago when she had a meltdown. She didn't really stick to it! I know when exams are as she tells me, and she messages me the minute they've finished (her choice), usually to announce that she's definitely failed, no, she really means it this time.

Dd1 read out tons of her essays to me over the phone during uni (I was entirely unable to help other than "that's a really long sentence love, maybe a full stop somewhere?!" but it seemed to help her. She will definitely want to talk through the decision making process when deciding on placement for next academic year but I'm always trying to encourage independence.

Tbh I actually worry how reliant my dds are on me because I fucked off at 18 without a backward glance, but I keep telling myself they'll get there when they're ready1

I don't really get your fixation on this. You or they make it work or they don't go. That's life.
Plenty of teens work and save up for their own car, most teens we know who want cars do this. But if you choose to live off a public transport route then you will have to ferry your kids, that's kind of obvious.

I grew up where a bus ran a few times a week and my parents didn't drive. We were expected to walk or cycle to local local schools or get school bus to further away ones ( I went to the convent which was miles away) . It was the norm

DD went to the primary school in our village and took the school bus to the secondary school in the market town 5 miles away.

Yeah similar situation then

We live somewhere ridiculous now and I won't lie I have my regrets. But we knew when we moved that we would have to make the effort to get the kids out and about. Even now we cover their transport costs home and we are planning on moving somewhere more sensible.
When I was at school, I got the bus to primary, mum went with me at first then one of the older girls took me after that. At high school I either walked the two miles or caught the bus, I often chose to walk. DH used to catch a train to school, he walked a very dark unsafe route on country lanes to the station, his parents were very capable of taking him, but didn't.

I suppose if you’re able to help as a parent why not. I certainly wasn’t able to help mine with their A Levels. Apart from proof reading a couple of boring English essays and asking questions from DDs flash cards. That’s was it. DS maths and science was way above my head and he got all A and A* anyway so didn’t require my input. DD subjects I was more aware of because she ran some stuff by me occasionally. I think my lack of interest actually gave them the space to just get on with at their own pace and DD got As too which were actually unexpected but she gave herself a huge push near the end which paid off. I always stood back but they both knew I believed in them, supported them and knew they could do well if they wanted to try. Which as it turns out they did with no help from me other than not bothering them. I thought the last thing they needed was any stress or expectations from me. Just maybe gentle nudges and kind support in the background.

I hear what you are saying but I think navigating next steps and future career paths is always going to have some impact on mental health so I do see that as a parents role to support that.

Ultimately if they dont do A-levels and go to uni then they'd still have pressure, just of a different type, of finding a job or apprenticeship.

I've raised my kids to be resilient, they've coped amazingly with exams, but as someone who made extremely bad life choices due to a complete void of parental support, I am happy to lend a supporting ear or be a sounding board as needed.

Oh agree I think any decision in life can impact your mental health. But there’s a difference between being a sounding board, and between monitoring your child’s every movement during exam season and pressuring them to study constantly. Nobody should be put under that kind of pressure, especially a teenager or young adult, and shaming them around exams isn’t helpful in the long run.

The problem is that front loading hard work has always been worth the investment. If you don’t, you tend to pay for it in lost earnings or no earnings later. So of course nobody wants their kids to have to study hard rather than chill and enjoy, but not doing it is risky and reserved for those with trust funds/jobs set up via family business. The rest have to enter a rat race of sorts. Of course it’s a balance as top performance requires broad skills and balance too.

Absolutely agree with you on that. 🙌

They may work part time, or have two cars and work at different times. In our case we've got two cars and are retired and both take them to school (different directions) because the bus is only once an hour from here and there is often not a seat. It took 55 mins to get DS15 in today and he only just got into his exam by a minute. Quite a few were late because they were on the bus, including some who have only one bus a day available. Lots of our two have friends who are driven in.