To wonder why we have more than one child?

[whydowe]

I posted recently on a FB parenting group at the end of my tether with my two kids. I was honest that I like parenting them both apart but not together. Was pleasantly surprised by the kind responses and overwhelmingly the responses were ‘me too.’

I guess I’m wondering why we do it. I know a lot of people seem to have a second to give the first a brother / sister but have to admit that wasn’t my motivation; I really wanted another child, think I had a feeling of having missed out over covid.

Why do we want a second so much?

First reply nails it! This was me too. Two kids would have broken me.

Some strange responses on here.
Things change a lot as children grow up.

Having more than one when they are small is hard but when they are older they can entertain each other, support each other and both have someone else close to rely on.
I am so glad I have a sibling now my parents are elderly and that I don't have to deal with the issues around that on my own.

I have two and, yes, it was hard when they were small but they are each other's biggest supporters and have become close friends as they have grown up.

And I can’t understand this view! I can’t imagine any reason why my two would have had better lives without the other one

I'm not close to my brother so I didn't do it to give my child a sibling. I just really, really wanted another baby in a similar way to the way I'd wanted the first one. And then I really wanted another one after that! I'd have probably liked to have a 4th too, but DH put his foot down and we stopped at three.

Just let your child bring a friend, or buy the family ticket anyway?

I have four girls and love it! My eldest 2 are adults now and them a teen and a pre teen. I was an only child and always said if I had one I’d have another.

This. Surely the answer is blindingly obvious. You have a second child for the same
reasons you have the first - your hormones. It’s a nice idea that we are all logical and evolved and fully in control of all our decisions but the reality is we are all driven by our hormones in turn the resulting the biological imperative to replace the species for which 2+ children per pair of parents is the basic requirement.

As someone who grew up as an only child the pressure to be everything to the expectant parents was huge. Add to that the loneliness, boredom and constant monitoring of where I was, who I was with and who were my friends what I said and who I said it to.
The talks on how I could do better and being told that being an only child was a privilege that I had such attention.

it was more like a prison.

I envied those children who my parents would look down upon. Those children who came from big families who’s parents only had time for a cursory glance in their direction

Hugely reinforced by societal conditioning.

It sounds awful but way back when it was simply to ensure if one died, we had a back up. Of course lack of birth control meant we just had lots but from a biological sense, we ensured we definitely had someone to replace us if it went wrong at some stage with the first…

Plus also getting away from biological urges, not everyone feels the way you do about parenting. For many people it’s an utter joy and they enjoy having a few children never mind two.

I was super broody in my 20’s which is why I had four. I never found having that many children hard work ( had my moment, obviously!). Now they are grown I feel I’m reaping the rewards of having a bigger family.

You could also argue that people love the first one so much they can’t imagine sharing that love with another child. I’ve got one and I feel like that sometimes. I’d probably have had another one if it had been practical at the time but it wasn’t. Sometimes I feel like I love him so much I couldn’t imagine sharing that love with another child

I'm an only child and always craved a sibling so for me, it was important to have more than one.

It’s built into most people to have a drive to keep the population going. This one and done term makes me cringe. Like it’s a badge of honour. Crack on, no one really cares

I just wanted to say that comments on this thread are quite sad. Do some posters realise how cruel they are when talking about having "only' children? Many people have just one due to health issues, or the death of another child. Telling people their children are destined to be lonely and have no support In the future when there are many reasons people only have one is very insensitive

I reckoned there would be too much pressure and focus on just one child, quite apart from the benefits of having them play together etc. Ours are 4 years apart but have grown up as, and remain as adults, genuinely best friends.

Societal pressure?
It’s seen as ‘the norm.’
Certainly when I was growing up virtually every book ever read to me, or available to read, had two children in it. Always a girl and a boy. This was so much the norm that once, after reading yet another of these books in school, I asked my mum ‘ Where is my older brother?’ It was so ingrained to have 2 children.
It was such a relegation when authors such as Jaqueline Wilson and Judy Blume came along and wrote better books. Not the usual trite.

* revelation**

Do some posters realise how cruel they are when talking about having "only' children?

I havent seen any cruel responses but honestly, as someone who was an only child, I am allowed to express that it was a very negative, lonely experience for me because thats the truth.

It doesnt mean it is a universal truth but its absolutely why I chose to have more than 1

Absolutely valid. The UK birth rate has plummeted with good reason.

BBC - 'It's not a nice world to bring children into': Births fall to the lowest level in 50 years
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvgzdq23xpgo

I know what you mean, I couldn't imagine loving a second the way i loved the first because I felt so close to her but, as soon as my second was born, I felt exactly the same and genuinely love each the same as the other.
Having two children has hugely enriched my life and I have never once regretted it.

But I was very clear in my thinking that I didn't want a third even though lots of people around me did go on to have another.

I suppose we are all different in what we want and, of course hormones play their part as pp have suggested.

We're animals with a deep biological urge to procreate. It's our reason for living.

If you want to look further back one person even said it was 'cruel' to have one child.
Of course you are free to share your experiences

I can't disagree with your experience because it's not mine.

But I am the youngest of four, and I would never have four because I hated how thin stretched my family were. Teens and toddlers all at once, and my parents too busy with the elder ones to give me specific attention.

But there are also happy big families. And there are happy only kids with no hint of cruel loneliness.

We want to make sure our son has the kind of home where a gaggle of friends is always welcome, but we're probably not having another for very good reasons even if we could technically do it.

Speak for yourself. Some people can handle more than one, the human race would be impacted, I think people should be having at least two each children.