To wonder why we have more than one child?

[whydowe]

I posted recently on a FB parenting group at the end of my tether with my two kids. I was honest that I like parenting them both apart but not together. Was pleasantly surprised by the kind responses and overwhelmingly the responses were ‘me too.’

I guess I’m wondering why we do it. I know a lot of people seem to have a second to give the first a brother / sister but have to admit that wasn’t my motivation; I really wanted another child, think I had a feeling of having missed out over covid.

Why do we want a second so much?

How old are they OP? I have twins so I didn’t have much of a choice in the matter haha. Newborn to 3 years I found bloody hard. But I love it now - they’re 7. Tremendous fun and play very well together so I get some peace.

Sometimes when I get my eldest to read her school reading book to my youngest, thus saving me two jobs (listening to the eldest read, and reading to the youngest), I think having two was a really good move.

(This is lighthearted, before anyone has a go. Yes I read to my children, yes I listen to them read)

Because I was one of two and that felt right.

And a year after having dc,I suddenly had the most desperate urge for another one.

The next time I felt faintly like that, I got a kitten.

I'm an only, married to an only.
If we had had one, they would have had no extended family at all. I couldn't bear the thought of them being alone.
I know sibs don't always get on, but I had to give DC1 the opportunity.

Also I love being a Mum, sailed through pregnancy etc. - DC1 was 3 days old when I asked DH if we could have another one. My children are incredible and so far (early teens) have a lovely relationship.

I kinda know where you are coming from.

Mine are just 6 and just 3. Individually they are amazing. Together they are still amazing but so much hard work. The hardest thing is they don’t play together. The 3 year old tries but the 6 year old isn’t interested. The 6 year old is a good kid but not particularly easy going and wants a lot of attention. Add in the attention a standard 3 year old needs and it can often be tricky!

I still wouldn’t be without either of them. But parenting them together often leaves me feeling stretched very thin.

Well, exactly. I wanted a child, but having had one, I didn’t want to do it again.

I had another one because I knew that if I didn’t, my PFB would have been absolutely insufferable, ruined by his doting mother. Better to spread the love, and also give him a bit of space to be himself - it’s quite an ask, all the parental hopes and fears piled up on a single child. If people choose to have a one and only, that’s fine and a valid choice - but I knew my own first child needed a sibling.

Speaking as an only child it's cruel to have only one child if you have the ability to have more.

Wow. You're about to get absolutely jumped on.

I am an only child and had a lovely childhood. The only time I wished I had a sibling was when my parents died and I should have liked someone to share the grief with. But that didn’t last long.
When I was pregnant for the second time older relatives assumed I was having a second to spare my firstborn the “pain” of being an only child. Not at all! I wanted a second because I had so loved the experience first time round that I wanted to do it again. It was a totally selfish decision.
Being an only child is not a sentence to a life of loneliness and gloom!

I wanted four but stopped at 2 because I couldn’t afford more. I love the noise and chaos of kids in and out of my house. I knew my second would be my last so I felt complete after that, I didn’t feel that with one.

Not realising what it'll be like.
Pressure from society (what sort of woman doesn't want a child! Why has she only got one?), though that same society often says awful things if someone has 3 or more (damaging the environment! Doing it for extra money). Sadly too many people act as if having 2 kids is the only acceptable thing.

Some people having an idyllic view of brothers and sisters being close/supporting each other, even though they often aren't, and there's so much resentment that one kid helps out with the parents when they're old.

So really, the only reason to have 2 is if you want to!

I find parenting two really hard, but that's not to say I wish I wasn't. Every day I feel more justified in my choice to have a second - and I had a lot of losses before her so I had prepared myself mentally to have an only child.

I love them both. I am in awe of how different they are from one another despite sharing a gene pool. Sometimes they're utterly delightful together, and I really hope they'll have a lifelong bond, but honestly I did it for me. I just really wanted more kids and I'm grateful I got that chance. Absolutely no regrets.

I don’t know!

I’ll be honest and say I didn’t like being pregnant, didn’t like having a newborn and i didn’t even like having a young child until she was about 4 plus i had post partum psychosis and PND that never really went away completely. I never had the urge to do it all again.
Im not a big advocate of siblings , my only 1 is an addict. I often can’t believe so many people have more than 1. I think people who have 2 or more kids are amazing i don’t know how they have the resources and patience for it- I wouldn’t!
DD is 8 and my best mate now. She’s friends with a lot of other ‘only girls’ mums in her class so it’s not unusual.

Progeny drive.

my kids are so lovely together, most of the time, I'd hate for them not to have a peer in the family and once they're older I hope they will always have each other.

Oh see, I'm at the other end of the scale and just love being surrounded by my children, even with all the chaos and noise. We're about to have our eighth and I couldn't imagine a life where we had stopped at one.

I loved having one and had a second so my first wouldn't be alone when we pass on.
In hindsight, I should have had one child as I was a better parent to one.

Couldn’t bare the idea that my oldest being lonely. Realise now I was projecting my own childhood experience. However, they so close.

I was possibly unusual for an 18 year old young man, in that I absolutely knew that I wanted to be a dad.
My own parents weren't perfect, but they raised me well, and gave a brilliant example of how to try your hardest (often against the odds - they were poor immigrants when they first got here).
It was their example that inspired me, if I'm honest, plus the biological imperative that some have mentioned above.
We stopped at 3, admitting we probably didn't have it in us to do it all again.
My kids are now all adults, out in the world and enthusiastically living their lives. For me, that's what it's all about. It's what humans do.
Unfortunately my parents didn't live long enough to meet the the children they inspired, but my kids know that they come from a background of love, and trying your best.

A lot of people on this thread love chaos and noise - not me 😂 i’m an introvert mum with an extroverted child. Although other kids are always welcome in my house , i love chatting to kids and i like DDs friends i just never wanted another one of my own.
Whereas i’m 1 of 2 with strict parents and although we had each other, friends we’re never allowed in the house.
I don’t know which is ‘better’ really!

I think this is what I remember being called "self selection bias" in a survey (I know it was a Facebook post, not a survey) but the only people who felt compelled to respond to you was because they agreed with you, which reinforced your feelings and now you think everyone feels that way. Most people wouldn't respond to a post of someone saying how much they are struggling with their 2 kids to say "well I had 10 and its wonderful" but plenty of people do enjoy having multiple children and don't find it an issue.

You don’t have more than one for you, you do it for your children. Who’d want to be an only child? It’s not the end of the world, but having siblings to grow up with is the ideal.

Speaking as another only child, that’s utter bullshit.

I still often wish I’d had a fourth…