To wonder why we have more than one child?

[whydowe]

I posted recently on a FB parenting group at the end of my tether with my two kids. I was honest that I like parenting them both apart but not together. Was pleasantly surprised by the kind responses and overwhelmingly the responses were ‘me too.’

I guess I’m wondering why we do it. I know a lot of people seem to have a second to give the first a brother / sister but have to admit that wasn’t my motivation; I really wanted another child, think I had a feeling of having missed out over covid.

Why do we want a second so much?

Same here. No desire to do it all again or have more; I like the one I got.

The urge to procreate continues I guess. Some people also believe that having siblings is a good thing for anyone.
You are having a hard time now but that will likely stop quite soon.

Ah ok I didnt see that- thats silly and unfair as you say because people cant always control how many kids they have for various reasons, I know my mother wanted more but couldn't for example.

I have noticed though, people get very defensive when only children express how much they did not enjoy their childhoods. Conversely, noone seems to get defensive when people with siblings say they dont get on.

Its just something I have noticed and whenever I have expressed this view I have always been curtly told that even if I had siblings doesn't mean you will get on- I am well aware of that, but that doesnt change my experience of my childhood.

Yes things do change as we grow up.

We played together as kids but as adults I barely speak to my brothers. In fact I find them both quite irritating.

It can work the other way around, and I actually think I'd have been happier as an only child.

Love grows. I felt like this with my first, now I love both equally, didn’t think it was possible to love two at the same rate.

For me it was just a strong biological/hormonal drive since starting puberty. I can't claim there was any logical thinking, only after having three have I stopped myself from having more as the pregnancies and births were so awful I have to admit my body is not cut out for it, but I have a constant background feeling that I want more. They don't even get along.

I think the reason for this is probably because siblings not getting along is often down to different personalities, choices etc. Sometimes having one child is not a choice, for various reasons, and if it's something you struggle with, having people constantly telling you how awful it will probably be for your child, makes that struggle 1000x worse.

If couples had only one child each (and some none at all for various reasons) then humanity would become extinct withing a few hundred years. So there must be a strong biological instinct to reproduce and have more than one child otherwise what would be the point.

For me that instinct just wasn't there, along with lack of opportunity. I had a friend with 9 children, so I figured she had had my share and then some!

It’s nice to have sibling support as an adult. I’d be lost without my sisters, we had our squabbles growing up.
My niece is 11 now, an only, she has an amazing life, she’s starting to comment on her friends having a sibling. It’s great for some only children others need more.

Yes, I agree but it still doesnt mean people arent allowed to say if they did not enjoy being an only child and its not ok to shut people down

I've only had one financial and space wise it makes sense. Plus as a toddler DS wasn't fussed about other kids and children/babies crying was a massive trigger.
He turned out to be autistic and ADHD so needs a fair bit of attention and the likely hood that we would have another with the same or worse is very high.
I can be a decent mother to one I would get overwhelmed with 2 I know my own limits! Plus he has 2 cousins very close age and location who he is close too he enjoys playing with them but is also happy to have his own space back.

Snap. And so many people I know with two find it so hard, and like they're constantly letting down one or the other because they can't split attention, so I feel like I did the right thing.

I do occasionally feel like DD would benefit from a sibling, but there's no actual guarantees they'd get on (my sister and I would NOT be friends if we weren't sisters, and DHs brothers spend more time putting him down than being any kind of support system). And I'm not sure that any benefits to her later in life would balance out how it would impact her now, given that I know I'd be constantly overwhelmed and miserable and tired and unable to afford for her to do anything if we had a second.

I get wanting the big family, when DHs lot are all together (and behaving) it's a lovely environment. But I think you need to be a certain kind of person and in a particular situation to be able to do that well.

I had one due to secondary infertility. I had always planned to have two. I don't think I had really thought about why, tbh. With hindsight, now, I would only plan to have one. I have definitely enjoyed parenting much more than most of my friends with two or more dc, and dd has never minded being an only child. I think a lot of people have a second because they just see that as the default.

I wasn't suggesting that people shouldn't give their experiences/opinions, or trying to shut people down. I was saying that some people should sometimes think about how they say these things. For example, suggesting that people who have just one child are being 'cruel' to them.

My experience of having a younger sister is that because she has more "needs" than me, I got sidelined a lot. One of the things drummed into me was "we need to look after DSis", "keep an eye on DSis", "make sure DSis feels included".

As an adult, I totally see why she needed that. As a child, it just felt like she was more important, and that feeling has never really gone away. Just this weekend my mum told me they'd never be able to live closer to us because DSis needs them more. Despite being a fully grown adult, married, with her own home and no children, and me having the ONLY grandchild they'll ever have, they will always think she needs them most.

Your childhood is usually down to your parents, not how many siblings you did or didn't have, unfortunately. It goes both ways.

Mine are close in age, one school year apart. 15 and 16 help. But, they actually rub along ok. Yes, they have their moments, but any silliness gets shut down quickly.
The plan was to have lots of them, but I stopped at my two as they seemed enough for us.
Individually, they’re both different people, don’t look alike. I think I got lucky ☺️

We had two and they were a delight. They always got on well and we were a happy family unit. We wanted four but realised that we could only afford two.

I have1, I never wanted anymore. No urge, no desire, no "maybe 1 more", just a "nope, done it, not doing it again".

I love having lots of kids and would have had more if time and health were on my side. Each to their own.

Because being an only child is miserable when your parents age.

That’s absolutely no reason to have a second child you don’t want.

So is being one of two, knowing that when they need things your sibling will not handle any of it. Or when they die, they'll need you to hold them up through it while handling all the practicalities and your own grief. Or knowing that all the things your parents current do to "support" your adult sibling will fall to you once they're gone, including financial support and things like making sure they eat properly (unwillingness to think about it, rather than anything else) or stay employed.

Siblings don't automatically make adult life easier.

So is having siblings who don't do an equal share of the care.__

I'm one of three (technically four but one brother died many years ago) and I got zero help with aging parents. I ran myself into the ground caring for them, having siblings made my life harder if anything.

My childhood experiences, my mothers insistence that her sons had to come first made me decide never to have children and I've stuck to that.

Choosing to have one child is absolutely fine, it is not always in the best interests of the child, it is in the best interests of the parent, as there are times when they’d like someone similar age. The pressure to keep up contact and friendship is tough outside of the home as an only child, the thoughts of the parent dying is heavier as a child, having to hang out with parents, constant activities as they’re the main focus.
Some children love it, ime most would prefer a sibling, when they notice their peers have siblings or they meet the tough kid who has many siblings. I wouldn’t say this in RL.