AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

[LPLJS95]

This is genuinely mortifying to post but here goes.

I’ve put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years since marriage and having kids. DH and I eat pretty normally at home, we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc, and from the outside people probably wonder how I've managed to put on as much as I have.

The problem is that I’ve developed some really bad habits over the years. If I'm out running errands, driving home from work, doing the food shop etc, I'll often stop and get food. McDonald's, Greggs, KFC, chocolate from the petrol station, coffee and cake, whatever takes my fancy really. Usually I'll eat it in the car before I get home and throw the evidence away.

I also order takeaways when I'm home alone and get rid of the packaging before he's come back. It's become a bit of a habit if I'm honest.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, DH has never been controlling about food and has never made nasty comments about my weight. If anything he's always come across as supportive.

Anyway, the other day he borrowed my car and found loads of wrappers and receipts that I'd forgotten to clear out. He asked me about it when I got home and I ended up admitting that this has been going on for ages.

He wasn't angry exactly, but he seemed really upset. He said it wasn't even about the food, it was the fact I'd been hiding it and acting as though I had no idea why I was putting weight on.

I got defensive and said that what I eat is my business.

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways.

I feel completely embarrassed and wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was

AIBU to think he's making too much of this, or would you also be bothered if your partner had been secretly eating like this for years?

I don't know about my blood pressure now, haven't had it taken since around when i had the coil in again about 2.5 years ago. They said it was a bit high then but didnt seem that concerned

49.6 😲😲😲😲

That's one hell of a drip feed @LPLJS95 .

You know, you're not only hiding the extra food from your husband, you're also hiding it from yourself.

Somehow you're telling yourself that your day-to-day family meals are all healthy stuff and that these extra things you are eating in the car and the takeaways when you're alone at home, somehow "they don't count"

@LPLJS95 you need to treat this as a wakeup call. You do know, don't you, that the term for someone with a bmi above 40 is morbidly obese? You are literally putting your life at risk.

No wonder your husband is upset. You are letting him down and you are letting your children down.

You need to go to your gp TOMORROW and ask for help.

I have bouts of doing this too OP, you are definitely not alone. Most of the time I have a handle on it, but when I'm not sleeping due to work commitments, or stressed with life in general I find myself reaching for something to eat when running errands or alone, I do it in secret as I don't want people to judge me for doing it.

I don't think he is overreacting as such, I think you are just flooded with disappointment in yourself and probably feel ashamed for doing it, but he needs to understand that it's not really a conscious choice that you are making, it's more of a compulsion/addiction triggered by something going on in your life.

Now he's found out, it would be a really good time to try and tackle it, figure out your triggers (mine curbs when I get more sleep, and have less pressure on me) and put practical measures in place that make it harder for you to fall back into it. Take snacks out with you to munch on in the car, like carrot sticks, or something easy to snack on, don't have money at your finger tips, put your debit card in a box in the back of the car for instance, remove payment from your phone.. that way you have to make a conscious choice to buy something and have time to talk yourself out of it.

Hopefully you'll look back and realise this is exactly what you needed to happen at this point in your life.

Id be pretty annoyed at the pretending you don't know how you got to nearly 20 stone when the answer is obvious.
I would also be asking why have you been lying about the secret eating and what else are you capable of lying about consistently.

I buy junk sometimes when I am out and about but I never lie about it.

Op I think you need to see a doctor. If your bp was high then it is likely higher if you’ve been gaining so it is likely yoire at risk of an event, they will put you on medication,

they also need to discuss the other issues with you, from fatty liver to diabetes, to heart disease, cholesterol, sleep apnea, and muscular and skeletal issues due to the strain your body will be under ie osteoarthritis.

what weight were you 2.5 years ago when your bp was last tested.

Hows it a drip feed? I didnt mention my weight in the first place but somebody asked me. I'm aware that it isnt good and its a lot of weight.

It’s a shame response, this feeling. You’re in that cycle of shame and embarrassment at being “caught”

what I can say as a former binge eater who used to hide the evidence, once I told
my husband about it I took all its power away. It was the secrecy that fuelled it, and I made a promise of always tell my husband when I’d binged. He was so supportive and helpful, I’d tell him and we’d work through what happened that day etc. It was one of the best tools that helped me stop. So my advice would be to make a plan with your husband to talk whenever it happens, clean slate though, he can’t punish you or shame you, he’s there to be a guiding support to help you stop the shame and secrecy so you can take control back.

Also can I just add, OP, please ignore the unnecessarily harsh or unkind comments when you are struggling with this issue. I think if you let your DP in and ask for help, he can support you. I was given this organisation to support my daughter - I haven't been in touch yet, SWEDA, England, UK we're in the South West if you are elsewhere there might be the equivalent near you. Good luck x

This is just an excuse

it's not really a conscious choice that you are making, it's more of a compulsion/addiction triggered by something going on in your life.

It is very much a conscious choice you make to constantly buy takeaways and junk food and then HIDE the evidence.

I was about 14 1/2 to 15 stone, can't remember exactly.

If my husband was putting weight on but eating healthily at home, I'd be concerned for him medically. Particularly if he was moaning about his wight gain, that really implies he had no idea what was happening. If you eat meals together, its quite a big thing to have kept from him in my opinion. He might have enjoyed some treats with you sometimes as well but didn't want to suggest because he knew you weren't happy with your weight. He may have gone without to try and support you.

It's great that people are suggesting the OP goes to her GP, but honestly there is not much that they can do in practical terms.

Depending on your area, you may be able to self refer to the Tier 2 weight management programme. There can be waiting lists to join, and then you have to work through the support that they offer which is often things like apps, group online chat, etc. If after going through that for several months you have not lost a meaningful amount of weight, you can be moved onto the Tier 3 support where you might have access to a dietician and then eventually be offered bariatric surgery or perhaps Wegovy in some areas.

[Edit - making the possibly incorrect assumption the op is in England....]

It sound like you would benefit from some therapy or hypnotherapy to help change your eating habits. The junk food snacking an and hiding it is not a healthy way to live or think.
tbh I think it’s reasonable that your husband is annoyed you have lied consistently to him and that he wants you to lose weight. It’s not necessarily just about attraction he’s probably worried about your health too.

I'm the same height and also a similar weight, although nearer 40 than 30. I was worried about fatty liver, diabetes etc so decided to get a blood test at the GPs and to my relief, it's all been ok although my glucose levels were elevated. The GP referred me to a health scheme where you have someone to check in with every week (not like weight watchers, more to support you as you make changes) and it's been brilliant. I've gone from having a morbidly obese BMI to an obese one and it's only been 4 weeks.

The main thing is not to ignore it - be kind to yourself, and to your future self as well.

I don't think it is your eating habits, its the lying about it, and the health implications.

Putting on lots of weight with no apparent reason has its own health concerns, so its very possible your DH has been worried for a while. As you implied you didn't know why you were putting on weight. However, secretly you did know why. And the weight itself, at a BMI of nearly 50 at 30 years old is also very concerning. Alongside this, its a big cost to buy all those extra takeaways.

Secret eating and binge eating are both forms of eating disorder and there is likely much more behind it from a mental health perspective. Please start to reach out for help, with your GP, privately if you can afford to, and open up to your husband. You've given no signs so far that he would want to do anything other than help. His initial reaction would have had an element of shock, and betrayal at the lies from you.

This must have all been costing you a lot of money too OP!

He’s not over reacting. You’ve just said you gave a BMI of 49, that puts your health seriously at risk. You are his wife and mother of his children, when he married you were smaller, he wants to love and support you and keep the family together, you are jeopardising all their happy family lives if you die early. Go and see doctor, ask for counselling and WLI if possible. There’s a bright future ahead if you can sort this. You owe it to them all.

Yes that also plays into the guilt

It is very much a conscious choice you make to constantly buy takeaways and junk food and then HIDE the evidence.

It's a mental health condition actually, like lots of others, people don't choose to be addicted to alcohol, or choose to be anorexic, and they don't choose to have OCD, and they don't choose to binge/compulsively eat .. yes, they may have started off with some bad choices that led them down that path, but by the time it is as severe as an addiction/compulsion to do these things and hide them, it is no longer a choice people are making and 'just stopping' is not always possible without outside help of some kind.

Secretive or binge eating isn't about food. It's about the feeling you get when you do it OR the feelings that are eased by doing it.

Building new habits isn't easy but for your sake you need to make some changes and put measure in place to stop the behaviour.

As for DP, I think you need to sit in the discomfort and embarrassment you're feeling for a while and then put yourself in his shoes.

What is he supposed to say? He's listened to you wax lyrical for months about your 'unexplained' weight gain when the whole time you've known why it's happening.

That will feel duplicitous to him.

Should he be berating you, no, BUT is he well within his rights to challenge the behaviour and be honest about his ensuing feelings of disappointment? Absolutely.

For your own sake, don't brush this off and pin it on DH being OTT.

This is your problem to deal with.

He's probably been worrying all this time that you've got some serious undiagnosed underlying health issue that's made you pile on weight, so I can see why he's so upset to find out that it's self-inflicted and you've been lying to him about it. A BMI of nearly 50 makes you morbidly obese, so perhaps now is the time to channel the money you've been spending on secret meals and snacks into WLIs.

From someone whose life it has changed and who has experienced similar comments from partner before I started, time for Mounjaro?

It’ll be because he’s been sacrificing meal outs, takeaways and going without whilst you’ve been doing what you want anyway.

I feel for you so much as that’s exactly how I was - a secret binger. I hated it and used to wake up everyday vowing to stop but I couldn’t.
It wasn’t until I read the book Bright Line Eating I finally understood what was going on to make me eat that way as it was written by a neuroscientist. I then lost half my body weight following the recommendations as I was very overweight at that stage.
if you’re interested suggest have a look at the website for Bright Line Eating - you are really not the only one who does this and there is help without drugs to stop it if you feel uncontrollable eating is a problem.
Meanwhile I hope your husband can given time get over this- and realise that you need loving support not criticism.

Please.... stop.

Hiding the evidence IS a choice. Stop making excuses for poor behaviour.