AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

[LPLJS95]

This is genuinely mortifying to post but here goes.

I’ve put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years since marriage and having kids. DH and I eat pretty normally at home, we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc, and from the outside people probably wonder how I've managed to put on as much as I have.

The problem is that I’ve developed some really bad habits over the years. If I'm out running errands, driving home from work, doing the food shop etc, I'll often stop and get food. McDonald's, Greggs, KFC, chocolate from the petrol station, coffee and cake, whatever takes my fancy really. Usually I'll eat it in the car before I get home and throw the evidence away.

I also order takeaways when I'm home alone and get rid of the packaging before he's come back. It's become a bit of a habit if I'm honest.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, DH has never been controlling about food and has never made nasty comments about my weight. If anything he's always come across as supportive.

Anyway, the other day he borrowed my car and found loads of wrappers and receipts that I'd forgotten to clear out. He asked me about it when I got home and I ended up admitting that this has been going on for ages.

He wasn't angry exactly, but he seemed really upset. He said it wasn't even about the food, it was the fact I'd been hiding it and acting as though I had no idea why I was putting weight on.

I got defensive and said that what I eat is my business.

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways.

I feel completely embarrassed and wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was

AIBU to think he's making too much of this, or would you also be bothered if your partner had been secretly eating like this for years?

You really need to see a gp; I know it’s embarassing but you do. I would also order a blood pressure monitor on Amazon, they don’t cost much and take it yourself. There is an enormous chance you’re at risk of an event, if it was a bit high at that point, as you’re now significantly heavier and at the point of severe obesity where the risk is high.

i don’t want to scare you. But you need to get this checked, it is very serious.

Please just stop this.

I think you need therapy OP, this kind of secret binging and lieing is addiction and it's harming your health and probably finances. Your dh is saying this to be supportive, I hope this is the wake up call you need to get some help.

OP I’m sorry you feel this way, as PP have said, it is disordered eating and an addiction, so for people saying ‘just stop’, I understand that it’s more complex than that.
At my heaviest I was 22 stone - that was a few years ago. I’m 10 stone lighter now. I didn’t hide eating, but I did binge eat and didn’t know when I was full.
The weight crept in (it felt like), but I gained about a stone a year, which is similar to how you describe your weight.
I realised I had an unhealthy relationship with food and I really struggled with ‘diets’, so I decided to change how I thought about food.
I didn’t ban any food, but I made myself think about if I wanted to eat because I was actually hungry, or was I bored/sad etc. I didn’t snack whilst watching TV, because it’s easier to eat a lot more when you’re not paying attention and I made myself eat more slowly, so I could understand when I was full.
I haven’t used WLIs, but friends have and have said they have really helped them to understand appetite and genuine hunger (I absolutely would have used them if I couldn’t get the weight off),

If you could maybe, next time you get the urge to binge, think about how you feel in that moment - the why you want to eat and then, if you do eat that food, how do you feel while you’re eating and once it’s done.
If you can dig into these feelings and stop using food to numb / replace them that will help. You might need therapy to do this.
I agree with PP that your DH is probably upset and concerned for you and not necessarily angry with you.

So sorry OP but your BMI is quite shocking. Your DH is probably worried sick about you.

Please see your GP.

Once you have had a thorough check, you might be eligible for NHS or private WLI prescriptions. They would pay for themselves given the amount you are spending on takeaway food and treats.

Pleasd don’t ignore this any longer, think about your kids and how much you mean to them. 💐

Hi @LPLJS95

Try and look at it from this perspective:

Say your OH had a gambling problem, and every month you were running out of money as a family. Every month he says to you "I'm sorry @LPLJS95 but i have absolutely no idea where that money has gone. It's like it just disappeared."

How would you feel?

He's worried about you, not about what you eat, but you. And what you have been doing impacts him too. Every time you say "I have no idea why the weight is going on, it's so unfair." he's probably thinking to himself "Bugger, no takeaway for us this weekend, don't want to make it harder for her."

So no, he's not overreacting

You say it's a 'little bit of weight' since you got together - pardon for prying but what were you when you got together?

It sounds like you're trying to minimise the issue and play it down.

OP I hope you are still reading. I don’t want to scare you… but…
I am currently waiting for a kidney transplant. One of the silent killers is kidney disease as there are rarely any symptoms until it is at a point of no return. And one of the biggest causes of kidney failure is uncontrolled blood pressure.

I have met so many people of a relatively young age who slept walked into diabetes and kidney failure and many who had years of high blood pressure unbeknownst to them that slowly killed their kidneys.

High blood pressure isn’t something to take lightly. It can lead to all sorts of other medical problems.

i know you’re embarrassed and are coming to terms with it all but if you take nothing else from this thread then please go and see a GP for an up to date health check

You sound like you have a binge eating disorder tbh.
I suspect he is worried.My DH is like you and I think he’s heading for an early grave. He sees no problem.. I see huge defensiveness and a complete lack of taking responsibility. He complains about his weight / size but then does the things that make it worse (whilst trying to go to the gym).

Just own it and decide what you want your future to be. I don’t see why you’d lie about food unless there are serious issues.

Bloody hell, OP. No wonder he’s worried.

Instead of all the crap fast food, spend that money on Mounjaro.

I need little pockets of privacy away from my family. The occasional car takeaway can be a sanity saver because it’s just for me. I don’t have to share my chips with anyone, order something to suit anyone else, eat faster because a dc is getting bored, nothing. I’m not wife, daughter, neighbour, mother for a few moments. And to an extent, in my head it doesn’t count, because it’s invisible

DH would not understand this. The roles he plays in his life don’t erode his personality the way mine can, and he doesn’t experience sensory overwhelm (being touched out, or hearing mum-mum-mum all day). He also loves to be generous, share nice experiences and would probably ring me or send a picture of a treat if he can’t (eg at a business event), and share the experience vicariously.

He would never begrudge me a treat, but sometimes I don’t even want his approval/ permission/ blessing. I just want to step
outside of all my responsibilities occasionally and do something just for me.

I can see how this could do easily get out of hand, if you’re also in the grip of an addiction, and , make no mistake, food addiction absolutely is a thing. The shame, guilt and hiding that happens with addiction is another layer of complication, because you’re not just hiding from others but also hiding the truth from yourself to a large extent.

There are probably several strands to this, and other posters have expressed your dh’s pov already so I won’t add that. Try not to get entrenched into a defensive position because you know there is a problem here. Shame and guilt are horrible emotions to have to deal with, and it’s understandable to want to avoid really looking at this. But hopefully, bringing this out into the open will ultimately help.

I’m so sorry @LPLJS95but this sounds like disordered eating. The lack of control but in particular the secrecy. I think you may really benefit from speaking to your GP about it, you may need some extra support to help break the cycle. If you understand what is causing this it will also help you be able to explain to your DH too and you can rope him in as support.

Youre not the first person to find yourself in this position and you won’t be the last either. Don’t be too hard on yourself, it makes it worse

I imagine your DH is probably quite worried even if he can’t articulate it. He must have been shocked

Good luck, please see your GP when you can. And it doesn’t have to be a battle anymore with injections if they recommend them to you. There is medical interest in their use for other addictions beyond food too

I have an underlying genetic condition which means when I put on an amount of weight post covid one of my organs stopped working so well. So now I am super skinny for me and determined I am not going to lose 10 years of life with my children because I want to eat chocolate.

You dont have a genetic condition to motivate you, but you might find motivation in thinking how much less life you will have with your family if you carry on. Obesity leads to cancers and you are much more likely to develop dementia. You are already struggling and your life is getting shorter every time you go to MacDonalds.

All the ultra processed foods are designed to get you addicted and they are killing you. They are the cigarettes of this century. Read anything by the Van Tulleken brothers, or Tim spector. The companies want your money and they are also taking your life by deliberately causing this. You must start sticking two fingers up at them, please read about all this and rebel against the killer of our age.

Just for clarity, assuming the OP is in England, her GP cannot prescribe her Mounjaro or Wegovy. For Mounjaro, you need a BMI over 40 plus at least 4 out of 5 specific health conditions. The OP may have high BP and possibly high cholesterol which are two of them, but is unlikely to have two out of obstructive sleep apnoea, T2 diabetes or heart disease. Wegovy can only be prescribed by the Tier 3 weight management service which the OP would need to be referred to.

Absolutely

OP - you have an addiction. Look into SMART recovery.

Help is out there just as it is for other addictions.

Your behaviour screams Addict

I second this comment. I know there is a lot of judgement about weight loss drugs but no exaggeration it's changed my life. I know I couldn't have done it without Mounjaro. I could have lost weight, I've done that before, but Mounjaro gives you the ability to keep going. It stops obsessive thoughts about food, I also hardly drink now, can take it or leave it, where as before I could have a whole bottle of wine no problem.

It's expensive, but by the sound of things you've been spending lot of money on take away food etc so it should even out. Initially my husband was very sceptical about weight loss drugs, but I knew I had to change, I'd made up my mind and I was doing it regardless for my health, 2 years and 7 stone later I'm a healthy bmi and feel so much better. Good luck.

It's an addiction. Exactly the same thing as drinking in secret and hiding the fact that you've been doing it.

You sound as though you have a problem with bingeing. This is NOT judgement - it's a problem I know I also have and have just lost 2 stone because I also recognised it was getting out of control, and knew I had to act. My blood pressure was going up and so was my cholesterol.

Could be a timely warning shot for you, OP.

The thing about the drugs is you need to want to stop. The op is not showing that inclination, in fact her op is she thinks he’s over reacting and wished she’d never told him so much,

with the drugs, we all know if your heart isn’t in it, you just eat some crap and complain they give you gastro issues and stop them saying they dint work for you. Or you push through at the lower doses and declare the same,

at no stage has the op said she wants to lose weight or stop, the opposite in fact, she feels annoyed as she feels she should stop and doesn’t want to.

Use this incident as a catalyst to take action to improve your health for you and your family. You can get a free referral from your GP to attend slimming world for I think 12 weeks free of charge. Aim to lose even 2lbs a week and keep going with the motivation from the group and your DH, friends and family.
Over time your health will improve dramatically along with your relationship with your DH and your own self esteem.
If you continue to ignore your eating habit, it will only get worse but only you, with the support from family and friends, can change your life.
I have just lost 3 stone going to slimming world and it wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be. Don't think about it just do it!

Well said!

I agree you definitely need to see your GP so they can advise on your current state of health and to assess your risk of developing certain health conditions.
it may also be worth considering how you feel about taking weight loss injections such as Mounjaro. Even without other Co morbidities, with a BMI as high as yours, you may be able get this on the NHS.
it’s not a miracle cure, and weight loss will still take some effort, but it should make things a bit easier.
Well done on taking the first steps to dealing with your disordered eating. I wish you well.

It’s interesting that you only seem to acknowledge this as a problem because of the weight.
I see weight as the least worrying aspect of this. You have an eating disorder.

Surely this should be your focus. Weight is just the symptom

Don’t do slimming world it’s a 97 percent regain rate ie 97 percent of people who do it regain, it’s a business. Steer clear. If you’re going to do it, and right now that’s not clear, then try the drugs.

So much to unpack here. Your poor husband.