AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

[LPLJS95]

This is genuinely mortifying to post but here goes.

I’ve put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years since marriage and having kids. DH and I eat pretty normally at home, we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc, and from the outside people probably wonder how I've managed to put on as much as I have.

The problem is that I’ve developed some really bad habits over the years. If I'm out running errands, driving home from work, doing the food shop etc, I'll often stop and get food. McDonald's, Greggs, KFC, chocolate from the petrol station, coffee and cake, whatever takes my fancy really. Usually I'll eat it in the car before I get home and throw the evidence away.

I also order takeaways when I'm home alone and get rid of the packaging before he's come back. It's become a bit of a habit if I'm honest.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, DH has never been controlling about food and has never made nasty comments about my weight. If anything he's always come across as supportive.

Anyway, the other day he borrowed my car and found loads of wrappers and receipts that I'd forgotten to clear out. He asked me about it when I got home and I ended up admitting that this has been going on for ages.

He wasn't angry exactly, but he seemed really upset. He said it wasn't even about the food, it was the fact I'd been hiding it and acting as though I had no idea why I was putting weight on.

I got defensive and said that what I eat is my business.

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways.

I feel completely embarrassed and wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was

AIBU to think he's making too much of this, or would you also be bothered if your partner had been secretly eating like this for years?

I could have written this.

About 2 years ago I came home from a KFC car session and broke down to my husband that I had some disordered eating. Maybe borderline binge eating disorder.
Looking back I was out of control, unhappy with my weight and I had been in denial if I'm being honest.

I had to have therapy to resolve a lot of eating issues I had. It's not about the weight (although I have lost weight) I've had to change the way I feel about food and how I look at food.

I'm not suggesting thats where you are, but if you think it's heading to a place where you're not in control, get help. It sounds dramatic but really be honest with yourself.

You've made it into a habit now every time you're out. You could try replacing the the food with something else. You could pick up sugar free chewing gum, instead of snacks or a cake or just get a coffee instead of the food

He is worried and disturbed. He cares about you. You probably have disordered eating or some addictive type feelings towards food. Hopefully he will support you now. You probably need to open up to him more now. Open up to yourself too.

My husband has put on a lot of weight. It does bother me, because it’s not healthy for him and because he’s unhappy, and it affects his mood and willingness to do certain things (take the kids swimming etc). I think it’s normal and ok to be bothered about things like that.
He’s now losing the weight and I am relieved.

Women often eat their emotions and stress as they balance a lot of giving to others.

I get that.
You need to find a way to acknowledge your stress and a better way to release it.

I did the eating a bit and it made me feel worse.

Stop and be honest about stressed you are and talk to him about it and how you can insert some down time to process and release it.

This is so common, but for your health and happiness it would be better to address it now.

OP, use this as your motivation to change your eating habits if you’re embarrassed and it’s making you uncomfortable in your own skin. Be kind to yourself but don’t allow yourself to make excuses either.

my DM has secretly eaten for years and years, she’s always embarrassed and visibly uncomfortable when I pop round and the packaging is on the counter ready to in the bin outside. She has so many heath issues now due to her weight, even to the point that she has diabetes and mobility issues. walking round a garden centre is too much for her now as she needs 2 knee replacements - can’t have the replacements until her BMI is under 30 according to our local health board.

He must have known on some level that you were eating more than he could see you eat?

You say you don’t live on take aways and totally contradict that by listing all the take aways you have!! The first change you could make to help with the fast food you have often is eat before you go out on errands, eat before you go food shopping, pack a snack to eat on the way home from work so you don’t have to call off somewhere. I can see why your DH is upset, you complain about your weight then don’t mention anything about all the trips for take aways and junk foods you have

I've been replying to this thread in good faith, but if your bmi is really approaching 50, and you're 30, that puts you at nearly 20 stone (assuming you're 5'4"ish). How is it that your gp hasn't discussed this with you?

Yeah i'm sure he must have had some awareness. Its not just a little bit of weight ive put on since we've been together

I have to say, I would feel quite irritated by this behaviour. If someone I cared about had been complaining about their weight, and I had listened, reassured, given advice and supported them for ages, then accidentally exposed their secret eating habit, I would struggle to feel okay. I would of course feel some sympathy and wonder why they had to lie, but I would also be quite annoyed at all the emotional investment I had given to support them when they weren’t being honest.

This however would be short-lived. I would quite quickly go back to support them as long as I knew they would be honest with me from then on.

@LPLJS95 two years ago my BMI was 50. I don't know if you can afford weight loss injections, but they have been brilliant for me. Specifically Mounjaro in my case. My BMI is now 25 and I don't eat in the way you describe any more. I have the mental headspace to be in control around food and I don't feel any shame, despair, hopelessness any more in regard to my weight or eating habits.

@user678435 why would she have seen a GP? My GP hasn't seen me in person for years and would have had no idea that I was 22st. And, even if they had, they would have only been able to refer me to the Tier 2 weight loss service which is basically an extended version of being told to eat less. Which I already knew, the issue was in consistently implementing that.

You are like an alcoholic in denial and lying to your partner about it.

What would you say to someone who was drinking and then lying to their partner saying 'its all in your head, why don't you believe me' about your drinking, whilst they hid the empty bottles of wine?

Think about this - you have a problem. You need to face up to it and deal with it. The issue is the dishonesty and the gaslighting as much as your actual eating.

What are you going to do to resolve this secretive behaviour?

I'm 5ft 1 and just under 19 stone at the moment. And simple answer is i very rarely go to the GP (for obvious reasons)

Goodness OP your BMI throws this into a different light. You have a disordered approach to eating - this isn’t like a McMuffin every now and again is it. I can see why your DH is upset, especially if you appear to be eating a regular amount and still putting on weight, but claiming you don’t know why. Gently I think you need to speak to the GP and do everything you can you stop eating in secret. What’s your blood pressure like?

Fair enough yeah, her wording would probably be different. I just wonder if the shame is more about society's expectations of weight and how a woman 'should' look informing her actions re. hiding the wrappers. Maybe she is enjoying the food, and isn't compelled, but that is being overshadowed by her issues with weight.

I'm not arguing with you, just another viewpoint. We both have the OP's best interest at heart.

I can see his point of view and also why he feels like he does. But from what you say this is disordered eating and there’s possibly something triggering this, but there is help and support there.
If you see your GP they will I’m sure discuss your options including maybe counselling if that’s something you’d consider?
Maybe this being out in the open will be beneficial going forward? Especially if you can tell your DH what you’ve said here?

That’s brilliant, it must be like a whole new lease of life

I'm sorry to hear that, but maybe that's a first step?

@SilenceInside Sorry, that does sound awful. I just sort of assumed that if the OP is 30 and has had children in recent years, she would have been seeing medical professionals. I would have hoped they'd have better solutions, but maybe not.

I absolutely see where you’re coming from, but with a BMI of 49.6 I think it goes beyond just ‘enjoying food’. Appearance should be the least of the OP’s worries, she’s a ticking time bomb for obesity related health issues.

From experience, you need to start with the self-loathing that causes the eating. You can try WLI if you can afford it but don't try to do it without emotional help. Trust your husband to be kind about this and talk honestly to him about it. Feel free to PM me if you want, I avoid public fat threads on mumsnet because this place is so fatphobic it does NOT help with the feelings of shame and self-loathing, so my other piece of advice is to get off Mumsnet or at least the weightloss threads or anything that says 'fat' 'BMI' or 'healthy' in the thread title.

No he’s not making too much of it, if anything too little.

a bmi of 50 is really life limiting, and very dangerous for your health. And to be lying to him and saying you don’t understand why yoire gaining weight and it’s upsetting you whilst knowing full well and continuing is really deceitful behaviour.

Rather selfishly, i'd also be a bit miffed that I'd denied myself in solidarity with a friend who i knew was struggling with their weight - we'd go for coffee but no cake, eating out mains but no pudding etc, only to find they'd eaten treats anyway!

If I was your husband, my first reaction would be to be really concerned about why you feel the need to use food in the way you do and be secretive about it.
No one on here can diagnose you with an eating disorder but it’s definitely a disordered eating pattern. I’d wager you aren’t hungry at the times you’re doing this but are feeling something or need something and you’re meeting that need with food and the quick dopamine hit you get from it.
I’d advise you, with probably some
professional help, to explore those feelings or unmet needs and see what you can put in place to help you rather than eating.
There are some really unhelpful and judgemental replies to your post and I hope you can look past them and get to the root of what the problem is x