AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

[LPLJS95]

This is genuinely mortifying to post but here goes.

I’ve put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years since marriage and having kids. DH and I eat pretty normally at home, we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc, and from the outside people probably wonder how I've managed to put on as much as I have.

The problem is that I’ve developed some really bad habits over the years. If I'm out running errands, driving home from work, doing the food shop etc, I'll often stop and get food. McDonald's, Greggs, KFC, chocolate from the petrol station, coffee and cake, whatever takes my fancy really. Usually I'll eat it in the car before I get home and throw the evidence away.

I also order takeaways when I'm home alone and get rid of the packaging before he's come back. It's become a bit of a habit if I'm honest.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, DH has never been controlling about food and has never made nasty comments about my weight. If anything he's always come across as supportive.

Anyway, the other day he borrowed my car and found loads of wrappers and receipts that I'd forgotten to clear out. He asked me about it when I got home and I ended up admitting that this has been going on for ages.

He wasn't angry exactly, but he seemed really upset. He said it wasn't even about the food, it was the fact I'd been hiding it and acting as though I had no idea why I was putting weight on.

I got defensive and said that what I eat is my business.

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways.

I feel completely embarrassed and wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was

AIBU to think he's making too much of this, or would you also be bothered if your partner had been secretly eating like this for years?

Of course - but I wanted to know how the OP felt - there is a whole world of different food cultures and pressures, but I wasn’t saying that WAS how the OP felt just that is how I’ve felt - do they identify? I am not trying to fat shame anyone.

Thank you. Yes I get you. I think by modern standards though, a lot of us overeat (in that we eat more than the body strictly needs), but we're still enjoying every morsel and really just doing it because we really, really love food!

I don't know if I'm making much sense, and people seem to be quite annoyed at me so I'll leave now I think.

I wish you all the best OP.

I feel very secure and comfortable with my partner. I also could be emotionally held if I wanted that from him. I dont though. I have always been a huge oversharer but as I have gotten older I have begun to realise that not everyone gets to know everything about me. I can keep whatever I want private. And so I do.

With my DP there are lots of things I dont share simply because I don't want to. Not because I can't. Its quite nice actually - no more navel gazing.

If you genuinely don’t know about or understand eating disorders, feel free to start your own thread instead of continuing to derail this one. Or rather me-rail, since you keep trying to make it about you and what you think.

The fact that multiple people have questioned your sincerity should be an indicator that your posts aren’t helpful.

He probably annoyed as you are moaning about putting on weight but you know exactly why you are … so he probably feels like a bit of a mug.
Not to mention the expense of all this.
Basically, stop buying crap and lying about it.

From the initial / original post:

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways.

OP has been complaining about gaining weight, hiding the real reason and she‘s also mentioned her health further down the thread.

that does not sound happy to me. I am not saying she’s unhappy in general but happy with her weight / how her secret eating affects her weight, health and appearance? Not so much (imo).

Just questioning the narrative that enjoyment of food = psychological issue! It doesn't!

You're the one assuming OP has an eating disorder.

Hang on....you can't thread police! You don't know this is an eating disorder as much as anyone else. This poster is simply saying it could be nothing more than enjoying a sneaky snack on the go - which many of us do with zero issues. We don't know if its deeper than that at all and you certainly don't.

If you really want to change I would suggest…

You see a therapist to explore why you overeat junk foods in secret
Read Dr Michael Moseley’s The Fast 800
Start exercising, even if it’s just 10-15 minutes a day to begin with (try Lucy Wyndham Read on YouTube and/or see a PT to try weight based exercises)
And commit to not eating to excess for at least a month.

It’ll be a start and may break the habit and compulsion.

Well yes it looks like
youre hiding and it’s quite obvious that’s where the weight is coming from. Just be honest.

Hi OP- just wanted to add my thoughts to this. Firstly I hope you are ok. Your husband shouldn’t be angry you are lying- he should be CONCERNED- but often people mask concern with anger. Then although hard -you need to look at this and realise you have an issue with food. You are hiding it as you know this - but it isn’t out of nastiness or intended deceit- it’s because you aren’t being honest with yourself- you haven’t yet faced it. You haven’t tried to hurt him - you’ve been hurting yourself. The food has been giving you a dopamine boost and comfort -and like a drug or booze its easy to fall into and hard to stop or regulate- and with food it can be even harder to face -as ‘we all eat food’ Food addiction can be so easy to slide into and to hide and to face….Please sit down with him, be open and honest with him and yourself. Talk real emotions, urges, guilt, hiding evidence as you feel ashamed- acknowledging this as a problem and start taking steps to help yourself. Ask him to understand and support. I would recommend Lighter Life - it’s ab excellent program that you can find locally to you & worked for me. It’s a group & helps you not only loose weight with meal replacements but with weekly meetings to understand the physiological reasons you overeat and how to retrain your mind- it’s actually invaluable and changes your relationship with food- changes your life. The weekly class and online support I still can access if I need to or want to return. This can happen to anyone please don’t feel guilt and help your husband understand. Explain you need support. Lighter life offer classes locally so have a look online. Wishing you luck

Do you actually want to lose weight, or is it now because you have been 'caught'? Are you happy with how you look? What's your BMI? Loads of diets out there but jabs are pretty awesome and easy. Perfect if you just can't stop scoffing (me).

Then what are you asking; if it’s unreasonable for your husband to be a bit upset about years of lying to him?

My Sister is an overeater, who is morbidly obese. This has affected not only herself, but her children as well. That often gets overlooked.

You seem determined to make your poor husband out to be in the wrong here.

I think the point is that there are lots of things that are enjoyable, but when we start to engage in them to the point they're having negative ramifications and we don't or can't stop, it's not generally a healthy place psychologically.

If you truly believe that what you eat is your business and he is in the wrong, you would not have started hiding your eating like a child.

What you're doing now is gaslighting him and trying to turn it on him rather than recognize that yes you have been lying by omission especially when you kept complaining about your weight while acting like you don't know why, and more importantly maybe this is a chance to figure out the root cause of the comfort eating and find ways to deal with it rather than keep your head in the sand and pretend nothing is wrong.

Thank you! Jeepers, the hate on here. I'm more worried about somw of their disordered ideas around food than the OP's!

Thank you, yes I understand you. I think it's quite a fine line with food though, unfortunately!

He does not “need” to do any of those things. His wife has been lying to him for years, if he feels that the trust is now damaged beyond repair then that’s perfectly fair.

How does that answer the question in the OP?

It seems you have a clear eating disorder? How you want to proceed going forward, is the question you need to ask yourself.

It’s not enjoyment of food though is it?
If someone feels compelled to buy junk food, eat it secretly in their car and dispose of the evidence, then that’s not enjoying food. It’s not making that person happy - it’s an addiction, like alcohol, smoking or gambling, but with food.

If the OP had said “I love cakes, I eat them all the time and I don’t care, because I’m happy” that’s different, but she hasn’t - she’s talked about compulsion, shame and embarrassment-nothing about actually enjoying the food.

It struck me that you've made an assumption about your husband - that it's about the weight for him - which might or might not be true. But in framing it that way, you're creating more shame for yourself while also trying to minimise the deceit.

You've had some really good and constructive replies on here, but at the same time, so much of Mumsnet is incredibly shaming around food - all the talk around gobbling, scoffing, stuffing, cramming, crap, junk, etc., can't be helpful for you.

Please have a real conversation with him. I think you need to take this out of your head and into the open and find some real life non-judgmental help. You're only 30, you have lots of time in front of you and you deserve to live it without this hanging over you.

No i do want to lose it it and i hate how i look. It's heartbreaking looking back at old photos etc. My BMI currently 49.6