AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

[LPLJS95]

This is genuinely mortifying to post but here goes.

I’ve put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years since marriage and having kids. DH and I eat pretty normally at home, we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc, and from the outside people probably wonder how I've managed to put on as much as I have.

The problem is that I’ve developed some really bad habits over the years. If I'm out running errands, driving home from work, doing the food shop etc, I'll often stop and get food. McDonald's, Greggs, KFC, chocolate from the petrol station, coffee and cake, whatever takes my fancy really. Usually I'll eat it in the car before I get home and throw the evidence away.

I also order takeaways when I'm home alone and get rid of the packaging before he's come back. It's become a bit of a habit if I'm honest.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, DH has never been controlling about food and has never made nasty comments about my weight. If anything he's always come across as supportive.

Anyway, the other day he borrowed my car and found loads of wrappers and receipts that I'd forgotten to clear out. He asked me about it when I got home and I ended up admitting that this has been going on for ages.

He wasn't angry exactly, but he seemed really upset. He said it wasn't even about the food, it was the fact I'd been hiding it and acting as though I had no idea why I was putting weight on.

I got defensive and said that what I eat is my business.

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways.

I feel completely embarrassed and wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was

AIBU to think he's making too much of this, or would you also be bothered if your partner had been secretly eating like this for years?

Also op I found a tiny square of very dark chocolate takes away cravings. Start at 70% then work up to 90% or 100%. A bar last me a month now and I rarely eat any milk chocolate now. But eat it mindfully (don’t do anything else while eating it).

All the Noom stuff is pretty obvious tbh and I’ve not learnt anything new I’ve just made a habit to do it 90%/95% of the time. (100% for the first two months).

The book by Van Tullekan about UPF helped too.

The 7k I’ve lost is over 10% of my body weight (to give perspective). I’ve lost another 0.5 this past couple of weeks but am now at the point where I need to be careful it doesn’t thin my face too much but I’m happy with the results.

We need to drink to survive as well as eat; we don’t need to drink alcohol and we don’t need to eat takeaway or cake.

your argument simply doesn’t work.

Then you maybe in the 3 percent who don’t regain it all. Good luck.

From someone who has a history of an eating disorder, the fact you have hidden your binges is a sign of an eating disorder. It’s hard to stop your pattern of behaviour you will be stunk in a loop, feeling rubbish of your weight gain and guilty because you know the reason why, you then try and comfort yourself by bingeing. Only way to break it is to stop the fast food and hiding it. It’s not going to easy but the more times you drive past that fast food place on errands the stronger you will feel. I will never be fully recovered from anorexia BUT I know when I’m slipping down that slippery slope again and it’s becoming a problem once again when I start lying and hiding the fact I skip meals. Stop the secrecy take ownership and apologise to hubby and ask for help. Honesty is the key to recovery xx

I can see why your husband isn’t happy. I imagine he’s hurt by your lies. He’s probably been worried about you and why you could possibly be gaining so much weight when eating a reasonable diet. He may have been going without treats himself to make it easier for you at home. Not to mention all the money you’ve wasted on over eating junk.

you’ve got yourself into very bad habits OP. You may need some counselling to help you get through it and unpick the reasons you do this and try and put a stop to it. How hard would you find it to drive straight home rather than stopping in a takeaway? You say you don’t over eat at home and so I assume you don’t have loads of junk in the house. You have to go out of your way to get the food. Could you not? Maybe tell your husband the time you’ll be home or let him have your location so he can see where you are. The guilt of him finding out might help keep you accountable. Once you have broken the cycle of doing this it’ll get easier.

I have had times when I have slipped into habits similar to this and I have gained weight. But because I had to go out of my way to get the bad stuff and I didn’t just buy loads to have at home it was easier to make myself stop. It takes effort and will power but you can drive past. The thoughts will fill your head but just go home and do something else. Now I’ve lost weight and got into fitness and grabbing a cheeky between meals mcdonnalds doesn’t cross my mind, well that’s a lie, it does, it can be a bit of a fantasy but I don’t need to follow through with it if that makes sense.

To answer your original question, no, your H is not overreacting. If anything, you are under reacting. This is not a “habit”, it’s extreme disordered eating and you should seek professional help before you do real damage to your health and relationship.

Good luck.

He’s just worried about you, it’s as simple as that. You’ve gained weight and he probably didn’t fully understand it because you eat fairly regularly around him as you say. He’s now found out why and it appears to be compulsive. You seemingly have little control over the habit, you say every time you’re out alone in the car you feel the urge to get junk food so it has become a compulsion.

You could probably do with seeking a bit of professional help with this.

I was really upset when I found evidence of my husbands secret eating. He had been putting on weight, it wasn't discussed as I assume it was just a case of a few too many calories over time in his usual diet (which wasn't full of junk and didn't seem excessive) and being a little less active. I have anorexia so I kept quiet as I'm obviously not an expert on nutrition and health. I know it's more complex than just, weight gain / fat is bad, and the focus should be the eating habits... And his didn't seem awful to me.

Then I found the evidence of his late night binges. Made him go to the GP because the amount of food he was secretly eating was not normal at all. Not like the odd chocolate bar or biscuit. I knew he had struggled with bing eating disorder in the past, too.

My main concern was his health at what he was doing. If the weight gain was just from slightly too many calories from the fairly healthy foods he was eating for meals and snacks, that's one thing... If it's from binging in junk, chocolate, biscuits then that's entirely another. I was so worried about him continuing to do that, because I dont want him to cause himself harm.

Your husband is not overreacting. The only way he wouldn't have anything to say about this is if he didn't love or care about you at all. Please get help OP.

What you eat in private is your concern, not your husband's.

You do need to re-evaluate your relationship with food though.

OP, I am in a similar position. I never really hid it from DH but I was denying it to myself that I was eating too much shit. I had to have bloods done because I was absolutely exhausted and it turns out I'm pre-diabetic. I'm almost 10 years older than you though, so pleased read this as me telling you what your future is.

I'm currently in that super grumpy stage where I feel like all my "joy" has gone. But the reality is, and I know this despite my desperation to be allowed to eat all the crisps and burgers, that I've done this to myself, and I'm risking my health and being able to be here for my DD.

Speak to your GP. There is a support for losing weight available. The nurse I spoke to when the results came back was so nice and so supportive and made me feel no shame whatsoever. All the shame I DO feel comes entirely from me. And speak to your DH. You feel like he's overreacting because you feel shame and don't want him to. But if he's anything like mine, he doesn't feel shame, he's worried and wants to help. Mine has started opting out of some of his turns to walk the dog (we both get headspace this way) so I can up my exercise in a gentle way to start with.

But the main thing is...be kind to yourself. Look after yourself. And make yourself better.

He’s worried about you, that’s it. You have disordered eating and need help. It’s not normal op.

How is this helpful?

Totally disagree. OP is eating herself into an early grave. She’s spending what sounds like a significant amount of family money on junk, ruining her health and destroying the trust in her marriage.

It’s as destructive as drug addiction.

OP I say this with best of intentions, my
my mum was always overweight through car eating (we actually had a great diet at home) she became diabetic in her 60s and has had a pretty immobile retirement. You sound like a lovely person so please ask for help, it is quite a disorder with food going on.

Except you can become overweight by eating food other than takeaway and cake, but you can’t become an alcoholic by drinking anything other than alcohol.

That’s really not true. She is quite possibly heading to an early grave or severe disability, it’s not tenable to claim that this is not her husband’s concern.

It doesn't sound like a binge eating disorder tbh unless you are ordering like $50 worth of takeaway at a time, it's just bad eating habits and you love junkfood and have become addicted to the dopamine hit of it.

OP has a BMI of 49, that doesn't happen without a vast overconsumption of calories, so I'd say she does have a binge eating disorder.

OP - I am sorry you’re in this situation. I think your husband may be worried about the underlying issues that make you lie and cover up. As well as the emotional issues that cause you to overeat in secret. I expect the financial impact is also a concern.
you use a lot of language to avoid tackling the real issue. You say “after I got married” “comfort/happiness”.
i hope you’re not trying to apportion this to marriage - it is your issue to tackle, and the underlying cause isn’t marriage.
nobody eats due to “happiness”, nor is it linked to comfort.

you have 2 things to tackle: why you overeat and eat in secret and why you lie about it. Is there some trauma you are escaping? What childhood patterns did you learn from your parents? Did they show affection in unhealthy ways? Do you have ADHD and is it a dopamine hit? (A bit like shopping, gambling, alcohol for others). Lying to avoid short-term consequences (whilst not considering the mid and long term consequences) is a typical ADHD behaviour.

i wish you well

I would be upset because you are displaying abnormal behaviours around food, seemingly for no reason, so it’s looking like mental health issue.

also I would feel very stupid if you previously complained that you gained wright but have no idea why it’s just nuts

plus im sorry to say but if a person massively gains weight said person should be prepared that it affects his partner and at the very least his libido. But also your health is not just your business as your health impacts your partner and his quality of life

You need to book a doctors appointment today. Make sure they do blood pressure, cholesterol levels, test for type two diabetes and if you snore get a referral for CPAP. In my health authority you would get an automatic referral for weight management services, ask about this. I think this is your wake up call.

They can do. My husband put on a fair amount of weight a while back and it was only when he was (nicely) told that it was becoming quite noticeable that it clicked for him that it was time to deal with it.

This.

Why are people calling it binges, no where has the op said she binges, she said she buys food in secret, then hides in her car, eats it and throws away the evidence, then she complains to her husband she’s gained weight, eats a healthy diet like him and doesn’t understand why she’s gaining so much weight, causing him concern and confusion,

a binge is eating lots and lots of food at once, usually thousands of cals, in secret yes, it’s not overeating like the op is, buying cake or chocolate or kfc etc and eating it in secret on top of the normal calories she eats in front of her husband. Yes she must eat an awful lot, and it seems it’s all unhealthy junk or fast food, but it doesn’t meet the description of a binge.

i really hope she does see a doctor and not continue to hide from potential health issues, as the type of food she is eating in secret, is highly likely to have her with significant ones, from fatty liver, to kidney damage, to high blood pressure, to cardio vascular disease to high cholesterol to sleep apnea, and potentially diabetes or pre diabetes. In addition her skeletal structure will be sustaining significant damage, and her skin stretched to the extreme.

she cannot feel well and her mobility and ability to breath must be compromised due to severe obesity and the impact it will have on her internal organs due to high levels of visceral fat.

overall this lady needs a lot of help, and medical intervention.

As someone who had a bingeing/starving disorder in my 20s I sympathise. Ive never told anyone in real life because Im too ashamed. I finally overcame it with my first pregnancy, suffering awful morning sickness and when I recovered from that, I started eating normally again.
Your partner knows now whats been going on so hopefully you can seek some therapy to give you the tools to combat your compulsion

Op you have a food addiction and binge eating disorder, your weight makes you morbidly obese and I can imagine that your mobility and fitness is already impacted which means it’s impacting your husband and your kids. You are on track for diabetes, arthritis, high blood pressure, heart attack or stroke. This isn’t about not looking cute in a dress, this is a serious health issue and you need to address it. Please talk to your husband and allow him to support you, he and your kids deserve to have a healthy happy version of you, and for a long time too. And most importantly YOU deserve to live a happy healthy long life. You need to speak to your GP and you need counselling to help unpick the root cause of your binge eating and secrecy. I know that I sound very blunt but you need a wake up call that you can’t sustain this anymore, you are young and you have your whole life ahead of you, make the changes now while you can. Best of luck, I know you can do this!