AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

[LPLJS95]

This is genuinely mortifying to post but here goes.

I’ve put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years since marriage and having kids. DH and I eat pretty normally at home, we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc, and from the outside people probably wonder how I've managed to put on as much as I have.

The problem is that I’ve developed some really bad habits over the years. If I'm out running errands, driving home from work, doing the food shop etc, I'll often stop and get food. McDonald's, Greggs, KFC, chocolate from the petrol station, coffee and cake, whatever takes my fancy really. Usually I'll eat it in the car before I get home and throw the evidence away.

I also order takeaways when I'm home alone and get rid of the packaging before he's come back. It's become a bit of a habit if I'm honest.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, DH has never been controlling about food and has never made nasty comments about my weight. If anything he's always come across as supportive.

Anyway, the other day he borrowed my car and found loads of wrappers and receipts that I'd forgotten to clear out. He asked me about it when I got home and I ended up admitting that this has been going on for ages.

He wasn't angry exactly, but he seemed really upset. He said it wasn't even about the food, it was the fact I'd been hiding it and acting as though I had no idea why I was putting weight on.

I got defensive and said that what I eat is my business.

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways.

I feel completely embarrassed and wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was

AIBU to think he's making too much of this, or would you also be bothered if your partner had been secretly eating like this for years?

Better than inhaling toxic poison. Pretty sure the two aren’t comparable. Lots of alternatives to lose weight.

Potentially you? Try doing some research rather than what the drug companies want you to … the ones you pay!

Three years ago I lost 4 stones on Mounjaro but put two back on over the course of a year (I had to stop as I couldn't afford to keep paying for it). I'm now on a clinical trial and the relief that food noise has gone again is hard to explain, as well as not having the worry of finding the money to pay for the medication.

@LPLJS95 it is what it is. So many of us have done exactly the same. A drinks can holds an awful lot of sweet wrappers. GLP's are literal life savers. I've been very lucky - on both medications the only side effect I had was that food noise was gone.

I applied for the clinical trial because you also get to see dieticians and I'd decided that even if I ended up on a placebo it would help me to be supported by clinical staff. I know a few people still on Mounjaro who are losing by calorie counting and not making the mistake of just stopping eating (as many people do). I'm on 1500 calories a day and it's difficult to fit them all in. I'm physically eating so much more than when I'd call into Greggs for a sausage roll, pasty and a cake to eat in the car.

There are ways through this, you just have to take the first step. Feel free to message me if you want to ask anything. Wishing you all the best in your weight loss journey.

I think this is all very simple and lots of people on this thread have complicated it.

You have an eating disorder.

Your specific disorder is related to secret eating. So when you haven't told your DH about all this, in the past, it wasn't deceit or lying. The secrecy was part of the disorder.

I think contacting BEAT is an excellent idea, and ask if they have some counselling that your DH can be involved in too, at least at the beginning. As I see it, you have three bits to this problem

1. Your eating disorder and weight
2. Your DH's distress and feeling betrayed
3. Financial matters.

I think you are seeing #2 as the most urgent at the moment, and I think I would too. If he understands the complexity of your disorder, quite a lot of this should vanish. So do address #1 with him, through a mix of self-education, working with BEAT, and counselling. Hopefully your family finances are reasonable, and I suspect that in any case the amount you will save by not spending on secret snacking will pay for most, if not all, of the remedies.

Good luck, from a retired mental health professional who has her own food demons!

From his perspective, he's probably been worried sick wondering what health issues are causing you to gain an extreme amount of weight eating broadly the same diet as him. Now he's confronted with the secret eating, he'll be worried about your physical and mental health and how you've allowed yourself to risk your life and leave your child without a mother for the sake of the food detailed in those receipts.
You must prioritise yourself and get to your GP, you deserve a healthy life, and if you can't do it for you then tell yourself your child needs a healthy mother.

Honestly when you build a life with someone health is each others business especially when you have children. Im really not surprised he is upset, angry or disappointed. You would feel the same if you found out he was secretly drinking. You know you need to face this for your children too.

Can you spend the money you’re paying for snacks and takeaways on weight loss injections?

Gosh OP, I could have written every word of your post about my own relationship with food and feelings. I truly understand where you’re coming from. I have to admit I’m really shocked by the poll and the judgmental comments, I hadn’t realised it would be perceived as such a problem. I don’t think I’m in a position to help you but I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone and I completely empathise x

I think that the OP has probably got the message at this point in the thread that weight loss injections are an option!

Because she's hiding the wrappers which she considers "evidence" so that no one else will know. Doesn't sound very joyful. I personally love food but enjoy it with my family, or on my own but if I had something tasty on my lunchbreak I would tell my partner about it rather than keep it a secret.

I think what he is upset about is you hiding an addiction issue from him.

Like it or not, junk food is unfortunately an addiction issue, starting with sugar.

It's quite similar to finding your partner's a functioning alcoholic behind your back. Or smokes pot. Or smokes, full stop, whie struggling with a persistent cough. Or sends money for feet pics. You don't know who they are anymore.

I think you know this isn't a healthy behaviour, why else would you hide your habit?

Your partner likely truly cares about your health and is upset that the person they love, the mother of their children, is putting themselves at risk.

Saying this as a formerly obese and unhealthy person who a few people carefully tried to nudge in the right direction, now that I'm healthy and happy, all I want to say to them is 'you should have staged a full-blown intervention when you saw what I was doing to my health'.

Maybe this is your wake-up call that eating secretly in the car is taking it a little too far.

She has a BMI of nearly 50 and can't stop eating, I don't think that's going to do it.

That’s really surprising, why would you not think a morbidly obese woman who eats in secret and lies about it, would not be a problem? It’s a problem on so many levels.

Hi OP, as a former secret eater (and I think my bmi was 54), I know how u feel - so no judgement here.

i do get that your loved ones are worried, but i do think your husband maybe didn’t handle it the best. Surely he knew you were eating more and that reaction can feed into the cycle.

I will say I went on mounjaro and it completely changed my life. Im now a healthy bmi, diabetes in remission, resting heart rate dropped massively and sleep apnea gone xx

Either which way, 11 stone is a whole human being. Jabs or no jabs - you rock!!!

I think it’s probably the pretending you’ve no idea why you’ve put on weight. It’s probably quite confusing for him as to why you’ve been doing that too. Now you’ve come clean, take action. Those are not healthy habits, you need to be honest with yourself. You can’t afford to eat how you did when you’re young, we need slower release carbs, avoid quick burn carbs like sweets, cakes, pastry, chips, white rice. There are lots of things you can do, eat fresh food and veg, ditch those takeaways, you’ll save money too. Don’t panic, but do face it. You’re worth more than this.

Just to update, seen your BMI, get yourself down to the doctors and get yourself on those jabs. You’ll avoid a lot of health issues for your long-term health. Good luck xx

Whatever, darling. I survived the dioxine crisis in Belgium and have lived thru far FAR worse. In 10 years time I’d have had diabetes (family history is STRONG), cardiovascular disease, cancer (loads of bowel cancer in family) or a stroke. Going with what I know and doing what’s best for me!
if you’re right, meh! I ‘ll die with a wrinkle free face :D #ThankYouBotox

Wonderful … because that’s the goal isn’t it 🙄

'It's the fact I'd been hiding it and acting like I had no idea why I was putting weight on' you say he doesn't make negative comments about your weight, isn't controlling about food, is supportive and is bothered by the lying by omission. So he probably feels like he's been misled and his good nature (believing you at your word) has been taken advantage of, it's kind of like if you supported and sympathised with someone who was always broke and then found out they had a gambling problem and knew exactly where their money was going.

Betcha it’ll be antivaxxing fuckery next. Just ignore - tedious trolling from whoever Buildbynumbere [sic] is.

I completely sympathise with your situation. I read somewhere that addiction to food is the only addiction that it is possible for someone in a caring role to have. This made a lot of sense to me - since I've become a mother I have given up so many of the things that made me mentally and physically healthy and taken on so much more stress.

Others in this situation might turn to drugs or booze to self medicate - but as a mum I turn to food. It gives me those dopamine hits while still leaving me able to function and care for children.

I've been trying to tackle my weight by finding other ways to get the dopamine. 10 mins of exercise, 20 mins of knitting, a phone call with a a friend, 15mins of gardening etc. I am slowly rediscovering things that I use to do.
I've given up weighing and measuring myself because it just made me unhappy. I am trying to put my happiness first - then I will be in a better place to calorie count and stand on the scales.

Bore off … if you can’t take that someone has a different opinion that you then stop commenting … and keep pumping the stuff in … or … put the phone down and … exercise!!!

Ah pet. It’s not & you know it but I stirred your pot there :D You do you & jog on :) I survived a fuck of a lot without your opinion. It means nought to me.

I also note OP that in your original post you call the secret eating a ‘habit’, as if it’s something that you just do. I think it might be helpful to reframe your thinking around this. It’s not a harmless ‘habit’ like tapping your fingers subconsciously, it’s a behaviour that is a compulsive coping mechanism.
Can you identify what triggers you to go and buy the food and call it out e.g. “I’m feeling really stressed because I’ve had a hard day at work” so you know what’s driving the behaviour?

This secret eating likely gives you a dopamine hit - so it initially rewards you but then you might feel embarrassed or ashamed, hence hiding the wrappers. Could you replace the reward with something else? E.g. I’m going to go for a 5 minute walk and then, if I am genuinely hungry at the end I’ll buy the food, but hopefully, giving yourself 5 minutes to think and distract yourself you may then not want it and gradually you’re replacing food as the reward.

Also, be kind to yourself - if you do slip up, don’t think that’s it and you may as well give up and go back to the secret eating - one day at a time, like any other addiction. Good luck.