AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

[LPLJS95]

This is genuinely mortifying to post but here goes.

I’ve put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years since marriage and having kids. DH and I eat pretty normally at home, we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc, and from the outside people probably wonder how I've managed to put on as much as I have.

The problem is that I’ve developed some really bad habits over the years. If I'm out running errands, driving home from work, doing the food shop etc, I'll often stop and get food. McDonald's, Greggs, KFC, chocolate from the petrol station, coffee and cake, whatever takes my fancy really. Usually I'll eat it in the car before I get home and throw the evidence away.

I also order takeaways when I'm home alone and get rid of the packaging before he's come back. It's become a bit of a habit if I'm honest.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, DH has never been controlling about food and has never made nasty comments about my weight. If anything he's always come across as supportive.

Anyway, the other day he borrowed my car and found loads of wrappers and receipts that I'd forgotten to clear out. He asked me about it when I got home and I ended up admitting that this has been going on for ages.

He wasn't angry exactly, but he seemed really upset. He said it wasn't even about the food, it was the fact I'd been hiding it and acting as though I had no idea why I was putting weight on.

I got defensive and said that what I eat is my business.

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways.

I feel completely embarrassed and wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was

AIBU to think he's making too much of this, or would you also be bothered if your partner had been secretly eating like this for years?

Medication … the answer to everything, or the lazy alternative!

@BuildbyNumbere it is irrelevant if it’s lazy, it works. I’ve lost over 11 stone, who cares if it was easier (or in reality, possible) than trying to lose that weight without? If you’re capable of engaging genuinely I’d love an answer as to why making it easier for obese people to lose weight is a terrible thing?

I've reported your supremely unhelpful post.

And you are 30! For what it is worth, I turned my habits & life around at 50!!! Quit smoking, lost 30 kilos (4 stone) in the middle of menopause & living without a thyroid. I have a BMI now of 23 or something like that, more energy (but still get tired, overwhelmed & all the rest - and still see a fatty sometimes in the mirror - not a saint :)) But my partner is and was always supportive with my well-being at the fromt & centre of any concerns for me.
You can do this!!! You birthed children - a million docs & nurses have seen you fanjo. This is NOTHING! You are made of strong stuff & embarrassment is a waste of energy. Bite the bullet - go all in for the support. Good luck!

@BuildbyNumbere , please stop derailing the ops thread with utter nonsense. Start your own thread and stop this madness.

I have been in a similar situation of being caught in disordered eating. I remember feeling absolutely furious about being caught out, because I felt ashamed and also because I didn't want to stop. I was addicted to my behaviours around food and the comfort I got from them.

I am now so grateful I was found out before my health was really impacted, and my advice to you would be to make this moment your turning point.

Your husband now knows so you don't need to hide this any more. You can apologise, explain and use this as a way of building your communication and supporting you in changing your habits. Step away from the shame and the defensiveness and focus on the next steps.

You obviously must be spending a lot of money on your secret eating - that's actually great news because it means there's room in your budget to support the change you choose to make. Whether its therapy, WLI, private health care, you decide. Whichever route you go, please also prioritise going to the GP for a health check, high blood pressure can be so dangerous.

11 stone!!!!! That’s fantastic! Well done you!!! WLI is not lazy at all - taking steps to improve your helath is fantastic either which way you do it!
I lost 4 stone - 2 on my own over 8 months. The other 2 with WLI. Keeps my prediabetes at bay (totally reversed).
don’t care if anyone thinks it’s cheating or lazy. I did it for me. I am healthy now, for ME & my family, but me first and foremost. Other people’s opinion can fuck right off.

I absolutely get where you are coming from - I used to use every outing/passing of convenience food as a legitimate reason to stop and buy and eat it. And I put on a lot of weight because of that.

Eventually I was concerned about my size and started logging calories, and all those perfectly-normal-to-me stops in the drive by lanes showed up as more than half my calories. The odd McDonald’s and Costa coffee and Greggs yum yum (cheaper in a pack of two …) stack up so quick in calories.

So I get where you are and have been for a few years.

From your DH’s perspective, he has probably been wondering why you’ve put on weight despite eating sensibly. He may have been concerned. You’ve obviously talked about not knowing why you have put on weight. Now he knows exactly why you’ve put on weight and can’t believe you didn’t know all along. Which is understandable unless you’re the type of person who plans what food can be collected on all journeys and thinks it’s normal to pick food up just because you’re in the right place at the right time. Your DH doesn’t have that relationship with food and so can’t fathom where you’re coming from.

Boring as it sounds, calorie counting is what taught me the “cost” of convenience food and picking food up because I was passing. Once I knew my “sensible” daily calorie amount, there was just no room for all the convenience foods.

I can respond … not starting new comments, that’s you lot.

Also, aside from the deceit, this is not a sign of a healthy relationship with food. Eating in secret is a sign of eating disorders. What kind of example is this for your kids? You can, as you said , eat what you like but this sounds like a very defensive reaction. And it must cost a lot! Perhaps you need to look at the reasons for this behaviour and address them before things become more serious and really affect your relationship/kids/physical
and mental health further.

I'll explain that to my diabetic friends! No doubt they'll be grateful for your explanation.

Op, how long have you been married please, doubling your weight is a really shocking statistic, 2.5 years ago you were nearly 15 stone, yoire now nearly 20, that’s a huge amount of weight in a short period of time. Nearly 5 stone gain in 2 and a half years.

And you need to keep eating more to gain weight, as the bigger you are, the more cals you need jist to maintain, which means it’s continually escalating past the maintance point.

where are you going with this, you’re killing youself with food. At whay point will you stop, your health,your mobility, must all be impacted now.

and you don’t seem overly bothered. More bothered you have told him and he’s on your case.

You’re quite tedious. just do you? We each do what’s best for us and our health. I’ve cut all sorts of risks on WLI. I feel amazing, am healthy, good BMi and longterm blood sugar.
I also ‘pump’ my forehead full of botox - because it’s my body, self-worth, choice & prerogative.
Judge away - it’ll have zero impact on my life. My decisions however have had and have. AHUGE impact on my health.

Just ignore it.

@CunningLinguist2 honestly the heavy lifting was done by Mounjaro, and then having the headspace to think calmly about what I wanted without feeling hopeless, helpless, despairing about my weight. I think that probably anyone who Mounjaro/Wegovy works effectively for would get the same result.

How do you feel about smokers using nicotine patches to try to quit?

Honestly everyone Just ignore and it will stop.

What lot?

Who, me lot?

I have had and still have disordered eating so I sympathise with you about the secret eating. I have just sat here and inhaled a packet of malted milks and chocolate, albeit next to my husband. I’m sure I’ll hate myself for it later, despite being a low/normal bmi. I get eating issues, but I’m also not surprised at your husband’s reaction and I would feel the same if my husband doubled in weight, knowing all the while, the cause. I hope this situation now helps you look into some help to overcome this.

Yes, you are right. There's always one on these threads and its too stupid to engagi with- I am going to follow your advice.

If my DH was repeatedly saying he’s no idea why he’s putting on weight and that he doesn’t eat fast food, whilst secretly bingeing on it, id be both upset at the deceit and worried for his mental health. It would affect me a lot and if he minimised my feelings and said I overreacted I’d be even more upset and worried. In fact if he refused to get help with his disordered eating it would jeopardise our relationship. You need to listen to him and you need to seek help.

You sound like an addiction tbh.

Maybe seek out hypnosis. It might be more effective quickly than counselling.

Clearly they aren’t using it for weight loss … they have a condition 🙄

Ok … good luck, ten years time they’ll be telling us it causes cancer.