AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

[LPLJS95]

This is genuinely mortifying to post but here goes.

I’ve put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years since marriage and having kids. DH and I eat pretty normally at home, we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc, and from the outside people probably wonder how I've managed to put on as much as I have.

The problem is that I’ve developed some really bad habits over the years. If I'm out running errands, driving home from work, doing the food shop etc, I'll often stop and get food. McDonald's, Greggs, KFC, chocolate from the petrol station, coffee and cake, whatever takes my fancy really. Usually I'll eat it in the car before I get home and throw the evidence away.

I also order takeaways when I'm home alone and get rid of the packaging before he's come back. It's become a bit of a habit if I'm honest.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, DH has never been controlling about food and has never made nasty comments about my weight. If anything he's always come across as supportive.

Anyway, the other day he borrowed my car and found loads of wrappers and receipts that I'd forgotten to clear out. He asked me about it when I got home and I ended up admitting that this has been going on for ages.

He wasn't angry exactly, but he seemed really upset. He said it wasn't even about the food, it was the fact I'd been hiding it and acting as though I had no idea why I was putting weight on.

I got defensive and said that what I eat is my business.

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways.

I feel completely embarrassed and wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was

AIBU to think he's making too much of this, or would you also be bothered if your partner had been secretly eating like this for years?

Are you actually on drugs? The illegal kind … your posts do not make any sense.

That kind of eating is not a sign of happiness.
Address the real issue(s) and make small and manageable changes. As healthy habits grow, build on your successes. Don't reward yourself with cheat foods. That's like an addict rewarding herself with alcohol etc. Don't be ashamed OP, but don't kid yourself either. Take aways, convenience foods, pop etc screw up your taste buds, brain hunger/satiety signals and gut health. Some people are more susceptible than others.

@BuildbyNumbere oh my goodness. I paid for the medication, so no cost to the NHS if that’s what’s bothering you. I’m saving them money.

Why didn’t I do what in the first place? Exercise or lose weight or both? I don’t know if you’ve ever thought about this but losing weight consistently by being in a calorie deficit long term is extremely difficult to manage. Very few people can do it on their own. And, even if I could have done it on my own, why on earth should I have when there’s a medication designed to help me achieve the necessary weight loss??

And that helps the OP how? 🙄

@Happysummerrain I think it’s easy to understand why the OP may regret telling her DH the whole truth about the overeating given the negative reaction which is what she would have feared when deciding to eat in secret and hide the wrappers. That’s not to say that it’s the right course of action to continue to deny there’s an issue when there very clearly is. It may not seem like it now @LPLJS95 but having this confrontation with your DH could be the start of a much better year for you.

What poppycock. Calling it ‘that crap’ is a bold substitute for understanding how it actually works. Do you have that level of understanding? The empty vessel level confidence of people who know absolutely nothing about GLPs on MN never ceases to amaze me.

Morbid obesity dramatically increases the risk of serious illness and premature death, but somehow the real concern is a medication, studied in millions of patients over decades. The science on GLPs keeps expanding. Just this week, the Guardian reported a study that that states they may reduce the breast cancer risk by about 30%.

The science on morbid obesity has been known for decades and it’s not open to interpretation.

Imagine being angry that we are lucky enough to have a life-changing medication helps people lose weight, lowers their risk of cardiovascular problems and cancer, improves metabolic health, and may have benefits in several other conditions.

The OP has an enormous hill to climb. It’s not easy to eat less and move more when you’re incredibly obese with a mental health issue related to secret gorging. Why not encourage her to get her life, health and future back on track via a proven method?

Exercise and not eating junk is very well proven!

And your reply is utterly simplistic and unsympathetic.

Have you ever known a person who has struggled with their weight? I have known a few. Diet and exercise are not always enough to overcome the biological, hormonal, and environmental drivers of severe obesity.

If they were, no one would be fat.

Plenty … half the time they give up because they just can’t be bothered … this is an easy fix as an alternative for putting in the hard work. That’s the problem with society now, easy fix without the hard work to achieve something.

I also think it was a drip feed, at first you made it sound like 'a bit of weight'. Being 5"1 and weighing 19 stone is being morbidly obese.

There are lots of issue here, please get help ASAP as you are seriously putting yourself at risk OP, that is extremy heavy.

If they were, no one would be fat.
so there are no lazy and greedy people at all? Every obese person in existence is impacted by the biological, hormonal, and environmental drivers?

What is the point of debating just how greedy and lazy obese people are? You’re talking about people like me and the OP and it’s just so pointless to bang on about greed and laziness. It doesn’t help. In fact it makes it worse, exacerbating the feelings of shame, embarrassment and failure. And guess what obese people are likely to do if they feel that way?? Return to familiar coping mechanisms ie food and over eating.

I married a secret eater, he was morbidly obese, and I desperately wanted to support him to lose weight. He never came clean about his secret eating and just became more and more miserable about himself. It deeply affected our marriage and we ended up in marriage counselling.

I found some receipts for junk food by accident, like your husband, and he could still barely admit it.

But it was a problem for both of us - the secrecy, the lack of communication, the the caring but being shunned with lies of omission, and the obvious health ramifications of being so large, leading to his probable early death leaving me a single parent and widow.

Such disordered eating also indicates poor mental health, and that's hard to admit to and hard to live with.

Anyway, I eventually persuaded him to get some counselling alone as well as marriage counselling to deal with whatever demons were causing the problems, and he became much healthier and happier. Still large, but he stopped growing.

Then 3 years ago he decided he was going to lose weight, he's lost more weight than I weigh, walks 15,000 steps a day, and has kept the weight off. We are all much happier and healthier seeing him care about himself and his longevity.

We've been married over 20 years now, so our story has a happy ending!

So you've put on ten stone since I you got married. Are you happy in your marriage, being a mummy, in your job.

Something has triggered this, as pp said talking to someone might unpick some of your feelings.

In the meantime go to the GP get comprehensive blood tests, BP check etc. see what's happening to your body. Ask for advice on weight loss. I'd say they'll be very helpful.

You're only 30 a young woman, bless you. I'm sure family and friends have been worrying about you.

"Don't live on takeaways" he may not but you certainly do. Mcdonalds, kfc ect is takeaway & so are the secret ones you get sent to your home when he's not there.
He is not being unreasonable at all. Just thinking of the amount of money you've probably spent on "whatever you fancy" will be eye watering and then hiding the receipts / evidence means you quiet clearly know you shouldn't be doing it.

I’d worry less about your relationship & more about you.

You need to go to your GP asap. GP have seen it all, they are not there to judge. You need help & support.

Im an emotional eater & I have v bad food noise so I get it.

Can you smart small? What is the thing you indulge in that your crave the least? Can you cut that first. Put the money in a separate bank account & aim to buy a treat that’s not food - nice shower gel etc.

I think I'd be more disappointed in my DH reacting like that over what is clearly an eating disorder. I'd want him to be supportive, not accuse me of being deceitful. Eating disorders are illnesses, he needs to be supporting you to get through this and supporting you to get your health back on track.

How would you feel about joining a gym @LPLJS95 if you can manage to cut out the binge eating, the money saved on that would cover the gym membership.

If I were you, I'd sit him down and say something like "I can see why you think I've lied and been deceitful, however, this is an eating disorder that I have developed. I'm not proud of it, and I want help and support to overcome it. Will you please help and support me through it?"

It probably hasn't crossed his mind that this is disordered eating and that you need help, not judgement.

Yes you can

Yes i would be bothered.
Also, nobody believes the people that say 'i don't know why I've gained weight I hardly eat' we know its a lie.

Hi Op. You have mentioned guilt and embarrassment but its clear that you have a lot of shame. And that your eating is compulsive and disordered. 1 don't think your DH is overreacting_ he is probably really shocked. I think speaking to your GP is a good idea but think without psychological support, it will be hard to get a handle on this.

Out of curiosity, would you say the same thing if it was a woman who had found out her husband had been an alcoholic, secretly drinking huge amounts for years which had been physically detrimental to his health? Would you tell her to stay and help him through it, or would you tell her that this is a huge amount of lying and deceit and to leave?

you clearly have no understanding of how these medications work,

It’s the lies that dh is upset about. There is no relationship if you lie

to him and yourself

not to make you feel bad but lying can split a marriage - for me it is a huge one of the reasons dh and I split

your bmi is very high and dangerously so

mine was 38 and that was bad enough when I look back at pics - 5/7 and 17st +

apologise to dh. Say you need help. Go to the doctor and if you have the money to eat all those snacks you could afford weight loss injections

which will help you lose weight

but why do you over eat ? Usually a reason

Please continue to be honest with him - tell him you feel embarrassed, let him support you. Going from being a person to being a wife and parent is huge and we can feel a bit lost - waiting for the adults to take over, lost a little etc DESPITE loving our kids and spouse madly!!!
Turning to food is not unheard of but you do need help & support to be healthy & active for YOURSELF as well as for your kids.
your partner sounds like a good (and concerned) egg. It’s normal that you feel defensive, but down the barricades. This is a good chance to change - with the support of “your person”

I totally understand this. I’ve had 4 kids (age 7 and under) and each time ate like a pig when pregnant and used this as an excuse to binge eat. I struggled to loose the weight and would do the same as you- eat in the car / at work and hide the evidence but I would make sure the kids and my husband eat super healthy! I did loose most of the weight being in a calorie deficit after child number 3 but piled it back on after my 4th. I’m back in my calorie deficit and going well but would definitely feel like you do if I was caught… it’s the ‘shame’ of it. I think you should just tell your husband you were embarrassed and that you want to try loose the weight (if that’s what you want to do of course) and hopefully he will be on board with helping- maybe watching the kids ect while you do some exercise etc. I’ve joined team RH and really like it if you were looking for a app to help x