AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

[LPLJS95]

This is genuinely mortifying to post but here goes.

I’ve put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years since marriage and having kids. DH and I eat pretty normally at home, we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc, and from the outside people probably wonder how I've managed to put on as much as I have.

The problem is that I’ve developed some really bad habits over the years. If I'm out running errands, driving home from work, doing the food shop etc, I'll often stop and get food. McDonald's, Greggs, KFC, chocolate from the petrol station, coffee and cake, whatever takes my fancy really. Usually I'll eat it in the car before I get home and throw the evidence away.

I also order takeaways when I'm home alone and get rid of the packaging before he's come back. It's become a bit of a habit if I'm honest.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, DH has never been controlling about food and has never made nasty comments about my weight. If anything he's always come across as supportive.

Anyway, the other day he borrowed my car and found loads of wrappers and receipts that I'd forgotten to clear out. He asked me about it when I got home and I ended up admitting that this has been going on for ages.

He wasn't angry exactly, but he seemed really upset. He said it wasn't even about the food, it was the fact I'd been hiding it and acting as though I had no idea why I was putting weight on.

I got defensive and said that what I eat is my business.

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways.

I feel completely embarrassed and wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was

AIBU to think he's making too much of this, or would you also be bothered if your partner had been secretly eating like this for years?

@BuildbyNumbere of course we know about the side effects. They are written in the leaflet that comes with the medication! And you are told about them before it’s prescribed. If you are obese then the risks of side effects are significantly outweighed by the benefits of losing the weight. That’s why these medications were approved in the UK by the MHRA for treating obesity. No one can predict what any medication might do to people in the long term, but we can certainly say that there are no significant or major risks that have become apparent over the last 10 to 15 years that these medications have been used that have necessitated them being withdrawn or only used for very specific situations. Quite the opposite in fact.

it might surprise you to realise that you can exercise whilst taking WLI, which is what I have been doing for the past two years whilst I’ve lost the weight. 22st down to 10st 12. How anyone can find this a problematic thing for me to have done is baffling!

I mean there’s no way to say this kindly but I am literally your height, your age, and also have two children.
I weigh half of what you do. And I am still not happy with my size and think there’s more I need to work on.

Your Husband is clearly very concerned about what can only be described as very disordered and secretive eating.

I hope you can get some help and support in feeling better soon.

I car eat, I tend to buy family bags of crisps, it's always when overstretched, stressed and it's like I'm replacing rest with food on a bid to find relaxation.

My husband hates it, understandably, but because he knows I'm unhappy about it. I also hate the cost as I'm sure do you. Counselling helps. Rest helps. I am in a bad cycle past 2/3 weeks but taking steps to stop

I'm about 5.5 stone lighter and 4 inches taller than you, if I was 19 stone my husband WOULD be worried. I can imagine that happening though if I let binging episodes carry on unaddressed. Find counselling. See you GP. You really need some help with this.

I think you have been lying to yourself over the seriousness/ amount and thus, been lying to your husband but not intentionally. It’s a good job he’s found out now to save your health and finances. Don’t you want to change? For your own health and wellbeing?

Sorry but I don’t think he’s over reacting at all. He’s probably been really worried as there are health problems that can cause weight gain and you have been lying because you have been well aware of what’s causing it. I think if you found out your DH had been spending an equal amount of money gambling, you’d probably be angry. So it’s all this stuff he’s found out all at once. I think you just need to apologise and try and figure out why you’ve been doing it.

Perfectly said

@LPLJS95 i hear you and have done the same myself! Only realised how often it was when I’ve stopped going out so much, but would regularly nip to a takeaway before coming home, park up to eat and then bin the wrapping and eat a meal at home, buy multipack chocolate with the shopping and eat most of it in the car

hopefully you can try to explain to DH and deal with the underlying issues - never easy but this might be the thing that you needed to make better healthy choices x

I can’t say more than what people have said, the lying and the cost of multiple secret meals and the concern of watching a loved one danger their health is not something your husband is at all unreasonable about. I believer that you are emotionally and physically addicted to this junk eating though and you are now at rock bottom and need to change. Eating this way is binging even if you don’t throw up and it is an eating disorder. You can get out of it though. Unpopular thought I’m sure… but if your secret eating was to the level as you said of multiple drive in etc a day, you could absolutely afford Mounjaro jabs to help you with the food cravings your clearly have. You will get a lot of people telling you that willpower is enough but you are in a place where it isn’t and a suppression of appetite might help. I had a big period of anxiety and depression after 2 babies and them covid lockdowns and I went from 11 to 16 stone, I couldn’t do anything I wanted to do, I loved hiking before, couldn’t handle it without ankle pain. Mounjaro last year really got me out of my pit of apathy and depression and I am so so so much happier.

Saying this as someone who also suffers from disordered eating (which is what this is without a doubt), he has a point.

I used to be a terrible secret eater OP, and it would often be a binge. It's taken me years to break the cycle, I was 19 stone and am now 14 stone with 3 more to lose. I'd say I've been losing for 3 years? So it's very gradual. I can't tell you how much better I feel for it, but you need to deal with what's in your head making you run to food to cope with life. I'd try to find a counsellor who deals with binge eating, and go from there (not the WLI route as you're not dealing with the root cause and starvation helps no one). You've made a huge step today posting this so well done.

“wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was” but you weren’t honest. It’s odd to pretend to have no idea how you’ve gained weight. Our unhealthy choices affect those around us. Also it costs a lot of money and that is his business too. I’ll assume money isn’t an issue but even so it all adds up and could have been used on a holiday. When you’re in the wrong the internet won’t tell you otherwise unfortunately.

The medication has been licensed for weight loss. There are many mediations that were originally developed for treating one thing and were then found to be effective for another; do you object to all of those too?
The side effects are clearly listed in the literature. Why would people have no idea of the side effects? It’s all there.

@Happysummerrain that comment refers to when the Op was confronted about the wrappers in the car, when she then told him about the secret car eating. She’s not suggesting that she’s been honest about her eating prior to this confrontation.

Hi OP.

Having read all your posts now I think your DH's was perfectly justified, but I think you know this deep down. I would be very disappointed if I found out my DH was hiding something like this from me; it's lying by omission.

You do obviously have an eating disorder, and the fact that you eat in secret and hide the wrappers suggests you are aware of this. There are often deep seated psychological reasons behind this. What was your relationship with food like growing up?

Please use this as a wake up call; book an appointment with your GP and ask to referred to a weight loss programme. You will feel so much happier and healthier once you start to tackle this head on.

Then don’t stop taking it.

After all, dying of sepsis at 35 is all-natural.

Thanks for the advice everyone so far, honestly, theres a lot to take in but i appreciate it all.

I did just want to say one thing - there's been a few people who have said i've talked about it being 'a little bit of weight'. Sorry but i havent said that anywhere, i've said all along i know i'm very heavy and i've put on a lot (someone asked above about my weight before I was married - I was about 9 1/2 - 10 stone)

So why didn’t you do that in the first place? And who paid for the drugs?

They have no idea what the long term effects are … it hasn’t been around long enough. It doesn’t exercise your body, improve fitness or wellbeing or make you stronger … it’s an easy fix, look how many people have jumped on it since it came out!

What? 🤣🤣
You can’t take it forever anyway.

Of course they do, they have been used for decades now.

You are posting utter rubbish here. Ignorant rubbish.

Why? Why not actually read up on it rather than making a fool of yourself like this?

I think you’ve got massively disordered eating. You need to recognise there’s an issue first. Also, you must be spending an absolute fortune on junk food.

I say this as someone who had the same issue. I managed to get to BMI 31.5 (14st 4lbs) by doing the same. I had PND and young kids who didn’t sleep well, no help and ate for comfort.

I hit a wall one day when I ran upstairs and I was out of breath!! Totally ridiculous situation that I’d created myself. Also, my knees had started to hurt. I can’t imagine what a BMI of nearly 50 is doing to your body.

I lost weight through willpower and diet to get to BMI 28 (12st 11lbs) then got a private prescription for mounjaro, which has been amazing. Totally transformed my relationship with food and I’m lifting weights 4 times a week to build/maintain muscle. I’m now down to BMI 22.6 (10st 4lbs) in 5 months on mounjaro and my skin has shrunk back thankfully. My plan is to get to BMI 20.6 (9st 6lbs) and keep microdosing the medication in future to avoid the “food noise” that was so destructive.

Hope you’re able to find a plan that works for you.

You can.

Where are you getting this from?

Are you a flat earther too?

Haha so they say … you are putting something unnatural in your body as an easy fix and making drug companies rich, you think they aren’t going to tell you it’s ok and there are no long term effects … give it time. But you keep pumping it in … God forbid you diet and exercise, like people have been doing for decades!

I know, it’s just the irony of mentioning honesty was surprising after so much dishonesty.