AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

[LPLJS95]

This is genuinely mortifying to post but here goes.

I’ve put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years since marriage and having kids. DH and I eat pretty normally at home, we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc, and from the outside people probably wonder how I've managed to put on as much as I have.

The problem is that I’ve developed some really bad habits over the years. If I'm out running errands, driving home from work, doing the food shop etc, I'll often stop and get food. McDonald's, Greggs, KFC, chocolate from the petrol station, coffee and cake, whatever takes my fancy really. Usually I'll eat it in the car before I get home and throw the evidence away.

I also order takeaways when I'm home alone and get rid of the packaging before he's come back. It's become a bit of a habit if I'm honest.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, DH has never been controlling about food and has never made nasty comments about my weight. If anything he's always come across as supportive.

Anyway, the other day he borrowed my car and found loads of wrappers and receipts that I'd forgotten to clear out. He asked me about it when I got home and I ended up admitting that this has been going on for ages.

He wasn't angry exactly, but he seemed really upset. He said it wasn't even about the food, it was the fact I'd been hiding it and acting as though I had no idea why I was putting weight on.

I got defensive and said that what I eat is my business.

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways.

I feel completely embarrassed and wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was

AIBU to think he's making too much of this, or would you also be bothered if your partner had been secretly eating like this for years?

As the wife who discovered her husband had been secret drinking for years I completely empathise with your husband. It was never about the drinking for me because he had a problem - it was the lying. And also whenever I suspected he'd been drinking he told me how silly I was and of course he hadn't which is the equivalent of you claiming not to know why you've put on weight. It felt very insulting that he thought I was so stupid he could lie to my face like that. Feeling lied to is one of the worst feelings in a relationship so of course you can eat what you want and when but you can't ignore the deception unfortunately.

Way to miss the point of the thread…

My DP had blood pressure ‘a bit high’; he didn’t follow it up and neither did the (incredibly stretched) NHS. 5 years later he needed a triple heart bypass

But you are lying by omission. You eat in secret / omit to tell him so. You're eating enough in secret to have gained a significant amount of weight.

He's been supporting you while you throw your hands up and say you've no idea what's going on with your weight and now he's found out it was self inflicted all along.

And you ask if HE'S unreasonable?

He’s upset because you are lying and your lies are hurting you.

He’s not being unreasonable or trying to control you. You are morbidly obese.

I have a friend who I’d at least a size 34. Her tummy hangs to her knees.
she will not admit that she has an eating disorder. As far as she’s concerned she lives on salads and only drinks water and simply cannot understand why she is so big.

we all know that it is a lie (she has had medical tests, there is nothing wrong at all) she not in any meds that may cause the weight gain but she still insists that she doesn’t eat over the recommended calories.

i feel so sad for her because we KNOW, and she knows that we know (i won’t just agree with her, my bmi was 48 so i know all about being fat and how people agreeing with your lies just doesn’t help).
When we’d go for dinner she’d order a salad or something small (and actually leave some food on her plate) and on at least 3 occasions I spotted her in the local McDonalds within 30 minutes of leaving us with a tray of food.

i had a gastric bypass in 2020 and my bmi is now 23ish (not checked for a while) and she decided to also have gastric surgery. Unfortunately she didn’t work on WHY she overeats (as she’s in total denial) so she lost a few stones but is now putting it back on.

please see if you can find a therapist that deals with eating disorders (it IS an eating disorder) because until you can work out why, you’ll never beat it. ❤️

Aww op, I feel for you. I'm assuming you didn't think it was that much of a big deal? If you did the wrappers and stuff wouldn't have been there. I was bad at it myself, never hid it from anyone. The proof was in the.pudding (me being the pudding) I didn't think it was to bad until I piled on 3 stone what feels like over night! Did I winge about it knowing the cause? Of course I did lol. I'm now 5 stone down and I haven't looked back, your husband his hurt by the denial you have been in
Have an honest conversation, you can sort this and your eating habits. I wish you the best of luck

What I don’t get is if someone has a really high BMI then surely they are spending way more than the 300 quid for mounjaro so why not just do that instead? Maybe I’m missing something

I’m sorry OP but you are pretending to him that you are eating healthily while secretly eating yourself to death. At your BMI he is probably scared shitless!
Can you really not understand why that would be a huge deal to someone who loves you?

He’s been supportive but you have been lying to him … I’d say that’s rather unfair.

My dh used to do this and can occasionally do it still now. I would find hidden wrappers in random places, he would lie about what he ate, and he proceeded to become morbidly obese. Obviously I was worried about his health but it took me a long time to recognise that the lying was not about me at all but about his shame. I think it will take your husband time to get around this too and you need to accept that. The problem with the lies also is my mind went to the if he is lying about this what else is he lying about place.
I would suggest you proactively get some help, probably via therapy as it isn't for people to change habits like this and there might be an underlying reason you are doing this. My dh couldn't change without therapy and even now I occasionally find a hidden wrapper but have learnt to just ask him to try and put it in the bin rather than lie.

This isn’t about enjoying of food … it’s about secret binge eating 🙄 read the thread.

Having just read your updates @LPLJS95 please, please go to the Doctor and be honest with them about your eating.

High blood pressure is so dangerous.

Please sort this, don't deprive your husband and children of having you in their lives.

Why would you not want to though?

You said you don't want the lectures... why would your partner lecture you?

Hi op. I’ve not rtft, but I have read all your posts. I imagine your DH is mostly worried sick about your health.

Firstly, I think you need to get to your GP ASAP. If you’re too embarrassed to make an appointment then I’d email them first explaining the situation (Obviously that depends of how your practice works, ours responds quickly to emails and other messages, but when DD was in London, her GP didn’t accept emails). As others have already said, at a BMI that high, as well as a raised BP, you’re also at risk of developing diabetes.

I’m not medically trained, but it would seem sensible to me initially to start you on weight loss injections. This would help you drop the weight, but obviously wouldn’t help with the reasons you have been overeating, so it would probably be advisable to get some therapy to untangle that.

Speak to your DH op. You will need his support and understanding with this. One other question, is he overweight too?

Wishing you well op.

Agree. He's right, you have been lying. I'd be very annoyed if I were him tbh.

Oh God 🙄 yeah because pumping yourself full of that crap is the answer … they put it all back on as soon as you stop!

I understand why you been secretive about it from what you’ve said but I understand why your husband reacted like he did. If my husband was gaining weight but eating more or less the same meals as me I would be worried that there was some sort of health issue. If I then found out that he’d actually been secretly eating rubbish and hiding it I would be annoyed. Not at the eating but at the lying when I’m there worrying about why he’s putting on so much weight and why he can’t lose it. There’s more to this than what’s on the face of it. I think you need to sit down and talk to your husband, apologise for lying and take accountability for that being wrong and explain how you are feeling, why you have been doing it and what the plan should be going forward. allow your husband to explain how he feels too. If he’s supportive then you have that support to become a healthier version of yourself. Ask yourself are you binge eating or is it that you’ve seen it and you want it so you get it and eat it because that would be more of a self control thing than a disorder. Losing weight is hard. You have to be in the right mindset and really want to do it. You have to be disciplined and expect to take the rough with the smooth but once you start reaching goals you get inspired and it spurs you on. Take the support from your husband and work on being a healthier YOU because that then makes you a healthier wife and more importantly and healthier mum

@BuildbyNumbere it’s a prescription medication not “crap”. Are there any other prescription meds that you think of as “crap”? The OP has a BMI in the morbidly obese range. Getting her weight down is an urgent issue, which WLI are designed to address. Maintenance is an issue however you lose the weight, and with WLI she has a very good chance of getting to a healthy weight. All of which is a massive win. Not to mention the other health benefits that WLI bring alongside the weight loss.

You have an eating disorder and he is worried. YABU

You have developed an addiction and it's killing you. No different to if you were hiding bottles of alcohol and only having a couple of glasses when he's around. It will kill you just as surely as booze would. Your BMI is absolutely terrible for your health.

You have a serious problem and you need to act accordingly. I'm not surprised your husband is upset. He's looking at a future without you a few years down the line. There are 200 diseases associated with obesity.

Get to the doctors ASAP. You are a perfect candidate for weight loss jabs although you'll probably have to pay. They'll stop you craving rubbish and you'll be able to take yourself in hand before it's too late.

You may need to ask yourself whether you're self medicating with food and what hole you are trying to fill with all that crap.

But actually you are trying to minimise your problem OP…… this is what you tell us as a starter.

DH and I eat pretty normally at home, we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc,

So your DH husband feels not only deceived by you being so underhand, but probably extremely worried about your mental health as you try to lessen your accountability. He’s in shock to have discovered the truth.

I would try to reach a new level of openness with him and also reassure him that you will seek professional help to unravel why this problem started for you.
Hope you can sort it. Good luck OP !

Pumping yourself full of drugs when you have no proper idea of the side effects or what it’s going to do to you long term is never the answer … this medication wasn’t meant for weight loss anyway … put the money in to joining a gym and stop looking for the easy fix!

sorry you’re going through this OP. Weight and eating habits always brings out the vultures on Mumsnet who all are apparently in the peak of health and fitness themselves. I think regardless of your DH’s reaction, you sound unhappy and that your eating habits are like coming from a place of unhappiness. You can of course tackle your weight however you see fit, but it would be worth digging a bit deeper and asking yourself when this started and what gap you were trying to fill.

When I was a young teenager I started being bullied at school out of absolutely nowhere and found solace in the school vending machine - it was a pick me up and a treat and something that made momentarily feel better about things. It wasn’t really a fix though. And what you are doing sounds similar. Be kind to yourself and perhaps look into some therapy to give yourself a chance to understand yourself a bit better without the shame.

Secret eating is disordered eating OP.

I won’t comment on your weight and BMI because you’ve had it from a lot of posters.

I will say that I’ve been there with secret eating and it isn’t normal or healthy behaviour. It took me a very long time to unlearn this and realise there shouldn’t be any shame attached to food. Food is what fuels our body. Eating in secret and then hiding the evidence is a clear sign of an eating disorder. Your husband is right to be concerned.