AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

[LPLJS95]

This is genuinely mortifying to post but here goes.

I’ve put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years since marriage and having kids. DH and I eat pretty normally at home, we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc, and from the outside people probably wonder how I've managed to put on as much as I have.

The problem is that I’ve developed some really bad habits over the years. If I'm out running errands, driving home from work, doing the food shop etc, I'll often stop and get food. McDonald's, Greggs, KFC, chocolate from the petrol station, coffee and cake, whatever takes my fancy really. Usually I'll eat it in the car before I get home and throw the evidence away.

I also order takeaways when I'm home alone and get rid of the packaging before he's come back. It's become a bit of a habit if I'm honest.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, DH has never been controlling about food and has never made nasty comments about my weight. If anything he's always come across as supportive.

Anyway, the other day he borrowed my car and found loads of wrappers and receipts that I'd forgotten to clear out. He asked me about it when I got home and I ended up admitting that this has been going on for ages.

He wasn't angry exactly, but he seemed really upset. He said it wasn't even about the food, it was the fact I'd been hiding it and acting as though I had no idea why I was putting weight on.

I got defensive and said that what I eat is my business.

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways.

I feel completely embarrassed and wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was

AIBU to think he's making too much of this, or would you also be bothered if your partner had been secretly eating like this for years?

I honestly think your DH is justified.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. It’s like any addiction and that is the “ buzz” you get from the next “ fix” Or the relief from whatever feelings you are experiencing, which make you eat in secret.

You have the support of your DH, so you are lucky in that respect. How are you going to move forward with this now? GP? Weight loss jabs? Counselling? You have choices OP, support is out there. Only you can turn this around.

So you understand that everything about this secret eating habit of yours - the lying, the pretense, the concealment, the unhealthy weight, the compulsion to stuff your face - is bad, bad for you and just bad overall - but you want your husband to react as if it's all a-okay nothing to see here? No one who cares about you could respond to these revelations with anything other than distress.

Hi OP,

I could have written your post myself a while back. I would always get food and eat it in my car or when no one was in the house. I used to look forward to my husband being away for a night so I could get a takeaway and lots of crisps and chocolate to eat by myself. I am fairly sure I have a binge eating disorder and I was totally addicted to sugar and carbs. My eating was out of control. My weight continued to go up so I decided to try mounjaro. I was terrified of having to inject myself but I finally decided to bite the bullet. I was on it for a month and it was brilliant. I broke my sugar and carb habit and decided to make permanent diet changes in that month and eat in the way I would need to in order to lose the weight and keep it off long term. I’m a few weeks off it now and still eating healthy. I have lost nearly 2 stone. I would really recommend you give it a try. Something has clicked with me that I need to be as healthy as I can to be around for my kids as long as possible

You get a full meal when you just popped to the shops? Jesus

OP, I would really encourage you to see your GP- book a double appointment if you can. You may be eligible for Mounjaro on the NHS and they may be able to refer you for counselling as well. I would really recommend both, and used together they can extremely effective both in losing weight and helping with the underlying factors that contributed to you gaining weight. I imagine that your husband will be supportive and I'd encourage you to try to be open with him about it all- I know it is hard as food and weight are so tied up with shame for lots of people, but shame thrives in the dark. Talking to your GP and to your husband could really help.

Oh and YABU, which you know.
“ bothered” ? More upset and angry tbh.

You have a massive eating disorder.

That's why you have lied, not because you are lying as such but as a symptom of your eating disorder.

You need counselling and you need to stop gaslighting your DH and telling him he's over-reacting. He may be focusing on the wrong things, but he instinctively knows something is wrong.

No, I do not think your DH is over reacting. I would be so upset if my DH did this, got to such a high BMI with all the associated health risks, but lied to me daily, feigning ignorance about how he got there. I would be worried sick and furious.

I'm sure its already been said, but using phrases like "hiding the evidence" (like you're committed a crime) and ninging in secret is definitely a sign of disordered eating, and your DH is probably calling you out because he's concerned about you. I think this is maybe a sign for you to take stock and maybe ask for help.

My ex husband ate and drank to access. He was always on at me about our finances, but he was the one who needed the next size up for his growing frame/ate fast food secretly/got a Christmas card from Oddbins. We weren’t a team. That’s the sadness OP. Hope you can press the reset button so you can do this together X

Honestly OP just go on WLIs, pay for them if you can't get them on the NHS, given what you won't be spending on food it should be affordable.
You're very very heavy and it's going to start wrecking your health.

I don't think he's overreacting at all. He must be so worried and the lying and hiding while simultaneously claiming you didn't know why you were putting on weight must be upsetting for him.

I can totally understand you feel ashamed, and the last thing you need is more guilt piled on, but your husband hasn't exactly been an arsehole here.

Coming late to this thread obviously but I would be annoyed if my OH did this, we both try to keep each other motivated to eat more healthily, doesnt always work but we do try.

OP, you have an addiction - it's not necessarily about the food. That's the first thing.

Secondly your DP isn't overreacting. That's the problem. You know you have a problem but are still in denial about how deep it goes.

I think it was C4 who did a show called the Secret Eater or something similar which filmed people 24/7 who were gaining weight but didn't know how.

What was striking was how so many would say they only ate x amount, but when tracked it picked up all the habits of eating outside the house that they were some how not including in that total. The eating outside the house was a way of disassociating from what they were doing and somehow helping them being in denial.

When they laid out how much these people had actually eaten in the past week, it really shocked them and it was the catalyst for change they needed.

What strikes me here is the point you make about 'destroying the evidence' about what you have eaten. That's not just for your partner's benefit. It's also so you can be in denial about it too because there isn't evidence you have done it for yourself.

So here's a challenge for you: over the next week, keep all the receipts of what you have spent and then list it all. Both the amount of food and the money. Expose yourself to exactly how bad the problem is and then ask yourself is your partner over reacting? And in doing so, you also start to recognise where your weak points are and begin to strategise about how you can mitigate that particular scenario.

One of the things on the programme, if memory serves was similar to Eat Well for Less in that it set a goal for money saved to be spent on something else nice. This is actually a nice trick because it refocuses your reward motivation around something else - you get a high from achieving a different goal not the food. You also have the tangible effect of seeing money saved even if you have a 'bad week' and you don't lose as much weight as you hoped.

Atm you are in denial that you have a problem. The first step like being an alcoholic is recognising you have a problem. You can't fix a problem you don't wholly recognise.

Then when you recognise the problem you can break it down into parts: you are in the habit of having X when you do y - so you replace X with something else when you do y. This way it's easier than changing your lifestyle in a more drastic way which is more difficult. It's about small changes about better decision making rather than a more daunting complete life overhaul which is difficult to attempt and in many cases sets up people to fail because it's too much of a change.

Your partner is right to be concerned and upset because it's about the pattern of behaviour not because of your BMI as such.

Ultimately everyone around you probably does know you are eating more than you say already but they can't challenge you on it because you hide it. And this is something you are afraid of - your OP is exactly that - you have effectively been challenged about whether you are telling the truth and your reaction is to lash out and say your partner is overreacting because you've been caught in the act. This is really unhealthy behaviour in its own right.

You know you have a problem. You also know you haven't been willing to face up to it and admit it.

This is where you have to say to yourself I have disordered eating, I need to do something to change and actually do something about it rather than suggesting it's somehow in your partner's head and he's in the wrong for getting upset.

The question is now, what are you going to do differently? How are you going to deal with this or are you going to carry on and keep being in denial and keep lashing out at your upset partner every time in the future you are caught out? You know you can't keep doing this, because eventually you will end up having to confront it because you will become very ill or simply drop dead.

I think being secretive about this is a completely different kind of deceit than, say, infidelity, gambling or running up massive debt. There's a level of shame around disordered eating, especially for women, that's obviously going to result in secrecy. I hope that his upset revolves around concern for you, OP, rather than that he's flipping out because you 'lied', and I hope that that plays out as being supportive not judgemental. You do need to view this as a wake up call, and as well as weight loss support from GP/external providers I strongly recommend you get therapy to understand what it is that food is doing for you emotionally. It's harder to feel sad or angry when you have all the feelings of satisfaction and wellbeing that come from a full stomach and all the hormone release that goes with that, so you need to understand what feelings you're pushing down. In my experience there'll be something you're suppressing. Take care of yourself. x

It’s this OP. He’s worried about you, that’s all.

Slimpod can be very helpful for this kind of eating pattern.

Type 2 diabetes, early illnesses possible death. He loves you and doesnt want to lose you.

Ooh, sounds just like me! Getting food when out, disposing of the evidence. I ended up weighing almost 24st and had bariatric surgery. Now I couldn’t eat ‘secret’ food if I tried. Disordered eating isn’t traceable back to any particular issue necessarily, although mine is, imo.

Question is, OP, what are you going to do? I wish the jabs had been around when I went for surgery, although I’m glad they weren’t in a way, I’d just go back to poor habits. I know the desire to eat disappears on the jabs. Why don’t you work out the cost and see if it’s what you’d spend on food? I’d consider that a great swap!

He's not overreacting, yes your BMI isn’t good but disregarding your actual weight hes listened to you complain about your weight gain, been a supportive partner while you play oblivious to how it’s happened, come to find out you’ve known all along how, knowingly added to it and he’s the one that’s actually been in the dark the whole time, then on top of that god knows how much money you’ve thrown away on all of this without him knowing. He’s rightly annoyed and probably extremely worried.

I sympathize to a great extent, OP. Sort of the other side of the coin, but I've battled anorexia for years, currently in partial recovery, and lied frequently about how much I had or hadn't eaten to avoid discovery and got good at being sneaky, hiding food to get rid of it, etc. Eating disorders increasingly hijack your brain and I would be doing things that part of me knew was crazy and self-destructive and dishonest but the disordered part just overwhelmed that logic. And I could rationalize it all, because I wanted to keep doing what I was doing and having other people find out about it would disrupt that.

I think having a conversation with your DH about wanting to seek help for this and both of you gaining more understanding about the mental health part of this could be really beneficial. Eating disorder therapists have truly seen it all and the embarrassment factor goes away quickly when you realize how they get it. Unfortunately I think binge eating is less understood by laypeople as a disorder than anorexia, but there's no reason that can't change.

Yes - eating in secret suggests shame on your part and is often a feature of eating disorders

There’s a pattern here. You are treating the calories consumed in the car as not counting if consumed there and the evidence hidden.

You are treating your (very likely) elevated blood pressure as not counting if it’s not measured.

I don’t think that this is unusual, but the two taken together mean that you are at significantly increased risk of a stroke or a cardiac event and are choosing to in effect pretend that it is not happening.

My poor husband? Why pray tell? Hes not my husband anyway, we live together, hes my partner, no kids, and we dont share finances. Its absolutely none of his business.

I mean I dont go around pretending i have no idea why im losing weight and worrying him. I just say im eating less (I am), but not why. If I had botox (I dont) or an issue with my adult daughter currently (I do) i just wouldnt share that cos i dont want to. I had years of living alone and Im now very private.

Hes really good though. Hes the same actually. Has his demons and he just doesn't want to talk about some of them which I totally respect.
Save your concern for another couple. We are grand!

I don’t think he is overreacting at all, I actually think he’s been much calmer than I would have been. A BMI of 49 is not just a little bit of weight it is severe and morbid obesity, I can only hope his reaction forces you to take this seriously.