AIBU to suggest Wisley as a halfway meeting point with DD?

[Buzyizzy217]

I’m not that familiar with all the abbreviations on here, so apologies.
DD and family live 4 hrs from me. We have a volatile relationship, but during good times, which are usually short lived, I have made the journey twice, staying at hotels overnight.
DS is getting married next year, lives just over an hour from me, 3 from DD, and has told both of us to sort ourselves out as he obviously wants his family there, and on friendly terms. No probs. I have since made the effort to go down to see her and we had a lovely lunch and afternoon out shopping.
However,
I have reached the point in my life where I do struggle to drive longer than 1.5 hrs after a busy day, not an issue if I’m fully rested, but I’ve noticed my concentration levels drop if I’m tired.
We are trying to arrange a meet up as I haven’t actually met my grandchildren, aged almost 4 and 15 mths, yet. I suggested Wisley as it’s about 1.5 hrs for me, altho a bit further for them, and it’s a great family day out. Her replies told me she hadn’t read the website and hadn’t a clue about it. Apparently I’m saying no to all her suggestions, there has been 1, and I said no as it’s over 2 hrs from me. I’ve suggested she maybe reads the website and info on Wisley before texting me, as I had checked it out before suggesting it, but she won’t.
I’m genuinely concerned that nothing is going to be sorted out. We tried therapy and as soon as our therapist asked her pertinent questions, she burst into tears, and was completely unable to handle that she needs help.
When we had our day out down at hers a couple of months back she apologised for her behaviour and I thought maybe she meant it, but….
So, AIBU to suggest we meet there and if she won’t, I back away as she’s really upsetting me and frankly we all have enough on our plates to not have family adding to our woes?

OP, please take a step back and stop trying to arrange a meeting. It sounds like neither of you are in a positive or receptive headspace. Your resentment about your daughter's lack of compromise is coming through in your posts and your daughter will be even more attuned to it. Even if you work out a meeting point it doesn't sound like it will be a good time for either of you. Work on your relationship over the phone or by email or whichever way you communicate when not discussing meeting up. If you get to a place, where you are happy to hear from each other and look forward seeing each other that's when you start discussing meeting in person. You may also have to accept that the relationship is never going to be what either of you had hoped. However, even if you can't work it out, you can both agree to be polite and civil at your son's wedding and you will hopefully meet your grandchildren then, if not before.

It seems to me that you are as bad as each other , not all parents get on with their adult children and perhaps it would just be easier at this point to just accept that . I’m sure you can both be civil for a few hours at a wedding .

Wisley as a venue is fine with small children. A round trip of 4 hours including the M25 though, no chance.

Two choices.

1 - Ask your son if it's possible for him to host or have your daughter's family overnight so you can drive there and back and they can break the journey at no cost and she can see her brother.
2 - Tell her not to worry, finances are tight and it's difficult when kids are very small. You'll see her at the wedding and you are looking forward to meeting the kids. Save the money and the stress and book somewhere near the wedding venue so you can spend time with them all the day after too. Maybe when the wedding is out of the way and you've had a a bit of reset you can all find a more reasonable way forward to maintain a relationship.

Wisley isn't very suitable for little kids imo. Guildford Spectrum would be better. Or what about Chessington? But it sounds like you are both quite inflexible, perhaps with good reasons of course. But it sounds like it won't happen.

Could you drive to Woking (or a closer station) and get the train to somewhere closer to her DD.

If my Mum hadn’t bothered to meet my four year old, I wouldn’t be running round to accommodate her when she reached out to meet me. I’d happily be civil with her at the wedding, but you clearly don’t care much about her or her children so I’m not sure why she should accommodate you just because you/your son now want to meet with her.

Most grandmothers would be absolutely bending over backwards to meet a grandchild they have missed out on for 4 years. Only you know the specifics about your health/capabilities and what you can truly handle, but the fact that you have talked all about yourself but haven’t even mentioned the effect that missing 4 years of your grandchild’s life has had on you seems telling to me.

Just agree with her instead of arguing and you do sound like a wuss regarding the driving

I hate driving too. I wouldn't drive to see my dd and her 2 children when she lived 3 hours away. I did, however, get the train and asked her to pick me up at the station. I also made sure I arrived out of peak rush hour. I don't know why op hasn't thought of this.

You struggle to travel over an hour and a half so you think she should do a 5 hour round trip with a 1 and 4 yr old? Catch yourself on

I don't know why op hasn't thought of this

Hadn't seen op's response. Catching train is financially impossible then.

Get a hotel half way? Drive an hour,b check in have an overnight. Driv the next morning to meet her, sleep.in hotel again then travel.home. you've not made this journey even once in 4 years minimum, 1 trip, 1 episode fo putting yourself out to meet your grandchildren. What's wrong with you?

elderly? OP says she works 30 hours a week as a cleaner - a physically demanding job - so obviously not the frail, elderly woman that you are portraying.

It's a very child friendly RHS garden. A good place to meet with lots of facilities. Where the A3 meets the M25.

Yes exactly.

The fact the OP hasn't met her four year old grandchild suggests the OP's daughter doesn't particularly want to involve her mother in her children's lives. There may or may not be good reasons for this.

It sounds as though both women are only considering meeting because the don/ brother has asked them to make their peace before his wedding, and neither actually want to meet up. Obviously we're never going to know the full back story - it's hard to imagine, as the mother of young adults, letting this happen.

The don. I got a mafia image there 🤣

😂

It's osteoarthritis by the way. It doesn't stop the OP doing a physical job 30 hours a week. There's been no suggestion that she's disabled.

Absolutely no way would I do a 4 hour + drive with 2 young kids, they’d fall asleep on way there, then they’d fall asleep on way back, we’d have an awful awful night and our routine would be off for days, not to mention the stress of actually being alone in a car for that long with kids who aren’t independent! It’s fine if you’re going to someone’s house where you can go back at bedtime etc

YABVU

OP is obviously just motivated to collect the receipt so she can tell her son she 'really tried'. I hope the daughter puts a stop to this farce ASAP. She shouldn't spoil her own peace by introducing her children.

I was wondering if it would be embarrassing to him in some way that the OP had never met the children?

Op maybe people are continuing to suggest driving further because you said in your first post that you "struggle to drive longer than 1.5 hrs after a busy day, not an issue if I’m fully rested."

That comes across as you only struggled with driving if you'd already been working all day or similar, but were otherwise fine to drive longer distances, so it wasnt really clear why driving further for a day out would be an issue.

Your updates that you actually struggle to drive more than an hour at any time is a bit different, but lots of people will just be responding to your first post and not read all of your subsequent updates.

But OP cannot manage that amount of driving. Surely that isn't difficult for her daughter to understand?

What do you mean, thinks she can't drive for more than 1.5 hours? I'm sure OP is perfectly aware of her own abilities and limitations. What's interesting for me is that her daughter doesn't appear to care about them. If I was in the daughter's situation I'd be only too happy to make a slightly longer journey to help my mum out, even with small kids to transport.

I did read that. My assumption, rightly or wrongly, was that it's tricky for OP to get sufficiently rested, possibly due to other issues not mentioned.

And the daughter can’t manage that amount of driving with her young children, or is unwilling to for reasons that we have no idea about because we only have one side of the story. So they’re going to have to either find another way to meet up (public transport exists) or accept their relationship is dead in the water and agree to be civil at the wedding for the sake of their son/brother.

Op you haven't said why you can't catch a train?