AIBU to suggest Wisley as a halfway meeting point with DD?

[Buzyizzy217]

I’m not that familiar with all the abbreviations on here, so apologies.
DD and family live 4 hrs from me. We have a volatile relationship, but during good times, which are usually short lived, I have made the journey twice, staying at hotels overnight.
DS is getting married next year, lives just over an hour from me, 3 from DD, and has told both of us to sort ourselves out as he obviously wants his family there, and on friendly terms. No probs. I have since made the effort to go down to see her and we had a lovely lunch and afternoon out shopping.
However,
I have reached the point in my life where I do struggle to drive longer than 1.5 hrs after a busy day, not an issue if I’m fully rested, but I’ve noticed my concentration levels drop if I’m tired.
We are trying to arrange a meet up as I haven’t actually met my grandchildren, aged almost 4 and 15 mths, yet. I suggested Wisley as it’s about 1.5 hrs for me, altho a bit further for them, and it’s a great family day out. Her replies told me she hadn’t read the website and hadn’t a clue about it. Apparently I’m saying no to all her suggestions, there has been 1, and I said no as it’s over 2 hrs from me. I’ve suggested she maybe reads the website and info on Wisley before texting me, as I had checked it out before suggesting it, but she won’t.
I’m genuinely concerned that nothing is going to be sorted out. We tried therapy and as soon as our therapist asked her pertinent questions, she burst into tears, and was completely unable to handle that she needs help.
When we had our day out down at hers a couple of months back she apologised for her behaviour and I thought maybe she meant it, but….
So, AIBU to suggest we meet there and if she won’t, I back away as she’s really upsetting me and frankly we all have enough on our plates to not have family adding to our woes?

@Buzyizzy217 if it was me I'd leave the ball in her court now. She knows about your health issues. I imagine medication doesn't help with the tiredness and concentration?

Has your daughter had mh problems from being young? Did she explain why she cried in the counselling session?

This

Whiney old bat? What a fucking insult.

Well, that opening post was one big can of worms waiting to be opened. The bit that jumped out to me was not the travel or the meeting point, but the clearly unsuccessful attempt at joint therapy.

"We tried therapy and as soon as our therapist asked her pertinent questions, she burst into tears, and was completely unable to handle that she needs help."
Having read all your posts, you come across as extremely cold. Dismissive, even. Your daughter bursts into tears in what sounds to be a first session of therapy (and what is this joint therapy aiming to achieve?) and you take from that that she 'can't handle that she needs help'' (help with what?). Whereas CompleteStrangerMe sees it as a sign of distress, wonders if the questions (what do you mean by pertinent?) triggered horrific memories, made her feel helpless, brought to the front of her mind things she's spent years pushing down. But no, to you it means your daughter is somehow weak. And I see no sign that you are reflecting on your own behaviour at all.

"When we had our day out down at hers a couple of months back she apologised for her behaviour and I thought maybe she meant it, but…."
She was holding out an olive branch. You seem to have interpreted it as submission.

"So, AIBU to suggest we meet there and if she won’t, I back away as she’s really upsetting me and frankly we all have enough on our plates to not have family adding to our woes?"
Hmm, an ultimatum. 'Do what I want or I'll bugger off, and you and your brother can whistle dixie for a drama-free family wedding'. And a complete lack of empathy towards your family. No, "she’s really upsetting me" without any acknowledgement that you might be upsetting her.

You haven't met your 4 years old grandson, and show a distinct lack of curiosity towards him. And the life of your daughter.

I think you should back completely away. I suspect you have done so several times before. Maybe just promise your son that you will not create drama at his wedding, and be as undemanding as you can be towards your daughter. It sounds like she's struggling with a world of hurt, and she doesn't need you adding to it.

I don’t think it was intended as a compliment!

You think? 🙄

Well I just thought maybe as you felt compelled to point out it was insulting that you hadn’t realised that the PP had intended it as such 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well I guess then they can’t meet up if neither party feels able to travel the required distance to either meet halfway or to see one another. I don’t think 2x2.5 hours in a car with kids in one day is asking too much if the other person has a health condition preventing them from driving too far without it becoming unsafe. So maybe it’s best to park any plans for a meet up if the DD thinks this is asking too much.

Or they could meet somewhere that the OP could use public transport to access?

I thought on one of the replies she said she has no objections to getting public transport but would need to be collected their end and the daughter said no. It does sound like the mum has little money and is in poor health. The fact that the daughter hasn’t been able to find one single time to be able to travel to see her (yes, even with kids, I’ve driven 5.5 hours with them to see elderly relatives) tells me that this relationship isn’t really worth saving/pursuing. Even if they do manage this meet-up I bet things will deteriorate again very quickly.

Yanbu OP but suggest you edit your OP or delete and start a new one to state that medical conditions prevent you driving more than 1.5 hours before you become dangerously tired. In your OP it sounded like a preference, not a safety issue

I may be wrong but I think that was referring to the OP getting public transport all the way to the daughter’s house, not meeting somewhere in the middle. For whatever reason, probably related to the reason their relationship broke down in the first place, it seems that the daughter doesn’t want her mother to meet her children in their own home and she’d rather meet in neutral territory.
There is obviously a huge backstory to their relationship, and without the OP giving any details we have no idea why their relationship is so strained and who was predominantly to blame for that. But if we’re going to give the OP grace for not having met her grandchildren in 4 years, surely we have to extend the same courtesy to her daughter as to why she hasn’t driven all the way up to her mother’s house? We can’t assume that the breakdown in the relationship was down to the daughter and she may have very valid reasons for not having visited her mother at her home.

I can understand why your health issues limit how far you can drive without a rest but, as someone with a chronic condition, I know that one of the things that will make me push myself is seeing my gc.
Do you have a disabled rail card? It would be a big saving on train costs which might help with a taxi at the other end or a night in a hotel.
Could you go to her by splitting the journey, so halfway, to something like Wisley in the morning with a chance to rest and restore then finish the journey late afternoon?
If you can find a halfway point could your ds drive you so all of you could meet up?
Once you have met them I would recommend video calls to help them remember you. My gc are about a seven hour drive away so I appreciate how challenging distance can be.

Thete are plenty of alternatives to driving. OP can put the £15-20 Wisley entrance fee and the petrol money together and take a train, or save herself money and take a national express coach.

Christ, you haven't met your GC's and you're screwing about an extra 30 minute drive?!!

I'm sure most of us would crawl that to get to our kids/GC's, especially after so much time.

Are you and DD always so nit picky? Or are you similarly stubborn and hence clash?

Maybe because I know my limits. I physically can’t do any further.

Do you live in a world where rest breaks don't exist?

For gods sake will you read the Op's post - rest breaks how rediculous! When she says she has a medical issue I am sure it is probably a fairly severe one so stop telling her to get on with it and travel a few minutes further or even crawl because that is what you would do who doesn't have a severe medical problem. The empathy level on this thread is zero!

Well surely a two hour drive for the daughter is also out of the question if she seemingly can’t do a 2.5 hour one because of her children (albeit that that’s bullshit and I’m sure she would do 4+ hours if it was a trip to Centreparcs or Cornwall)?

You’ve not met your FOUR year old grandchild?? You need to be making up for that.

I don’t think most people would crawl, no. And kids or no kids, I’d travel to someone who had health issues and make the effort. She’s clearly not very bothered about the OP being in her kids’ lives so it’s probably just going to lead to the OP being disappointed again if she moves heaven and earth to try to facilitate this meeting.
My mum’s friend has two kids who do this bullshit to her. They’re both selfish brats (in all areas of life) and will cut her off, then come back wanting money, then cut her off again. Absolutely no real reasons for it except that each of them claim the other one got more attention growing up. Both siblings hate the other one as well 👍. It’s exhausting for her and every time one of them says they want to try again, she gets her hopes up and thinks this is the time it’s going to work and it never does because out of the blue the silent treatment will begin again.

A mum hasn’t thought it fit to arrange for her FOUR year old child to meet their elderly grandmother who likely won’t be around forever and thereby cutting her child off from a potentially loving relationship? She needs to be making up for this.

I’m sure she would do 4+ hours if it was a trip to Centreparcs or Cornwall

You wouldn't be going to centreparcs or cornwall for lunch though would you?? I drive all over the country for holidays, but I wouldn't drive 2 hours there and two hours back with two young children in the car for a 3 hour 'lunch'. Especially for someone giving me so much grief over it!!

Is she elderly? She may only be in her 50s for all we know.

Without any further information from the OP we have no real idea about any of this stuff, do we? We don’t know that she would do 4 hours to Center Parcs either 🤷🏻‍♀️. I wouldn’t have done at those ages because my youngest was a really bad traveller.
The point is that there’s obviously a massive backstory behind all this, and we only know a very small amount of information, from the OP’s perspective. Neither of them are making much of an effort, I’m sure there’s a reason for that.

I’m confused though as to why your health conditions allow you to drive to Wisley, nut not the extra ten miles to the place she suggested?