AIBU to suggest Wisley as a halfway meeting point with DD?

[Buzyizzy217]

I’m not that familiar with all the abbreviations on here, so apologies.
DD and family live 4 hrs from me. We have a volatile relationship, but during good times, which are usually short lived, I have made the journey twice, staying at hotels overnight.
DS is getting married next year, lives just over an hour from me, 3 from DD, and has told both of us to sort ourselves out as he obviously wants his family there, and on friendly terms. No probs. I have since made the effort to go down to see her and we had a lovely lunch and afternoon out shopping.
However,
I have reached the point in my life where I do struggle to drive longer than 1.5 hrs after a busy day, not an issue if I’m fully rested, but I’ve noticed my concentration levels drop if I’m tired.
We are trying to arrange a meet up as I haven’t actually met my grandchildren, aged almost 4 and 15 mths, yet. I suggested Wisley as it’s about 1.5 hrs for me, altho a bit further for them, and it’s a great family day out. Her replies told me she hadn’t read the website and hadn’t a clue about it. Apparently I’m saying no to all her suggestions, there has been 1, and I said no as it’s over 2 hrs from me. I’ve suggested she maybe reads the website and info on Wisley before texting me, as I had checked it out before suggesting it, but she won’t.
I’m genuinely concerned that nothing is going to be sorted out. We tried therapy and as soon as our therapist asked her pertinent questions, she burst into tears, and was completely unable to handle that she needs help.
When we had our day out down at hers a couple of months back she apologised for her behaviour and I thought maybe she meant it, but….
So, AIBU to suggest we meet there and if she won’t, I back away as she’s really upsetting me and frankly we all have enough on our plates to not have family adding to our woes?

Then meet somewhere on a train? Surely driving anywhere at all is risky, in case you get stuck in traffic and it takes you over your comfort limit? The M25 isn’t know for its smooth sailing.
You said it’s either Wisley or you’ll ’walk away’. That’s why people are responding as they are.
I’ll ask again, are you bothered about meeting your grandchildren?

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Buzyizzy217 · Today 10:36
Which I have done. I’ve made all the running. She’s done zero. She needs to realise I am not 💯 fit and healthy, that I don’t want to lose my independence which if I have a bad accident and lose my licence because I’m tired, like that old gent did and everyone said he shouldn’t be driving, and two small children are not a problem. I used to take them everywhere during the holibobs for days out

You'd rather score points against your daughter than meet your own flesh and blood. That is truly rotten to the core.

This^^ I honestly can’t imagine making multiple excuses for not meeting my DGCs! Mine live over 100 miles away; I have driven, bus/train multiple times. Not making the effort was never an option let alone expecting my DDIL to do all the running.
I’m surprised your dd has anything to do with you.

Who should realise that? Why aren't you using the quote function as so many people have pointed out? Nobody knows who you are talking to.

Pretty sure you ignore loads from your daughter if your ability to ignore this is anything to go by.

OP where is your DD based? Sorry if I missed this. And where are you based?

I think a train could work.There is no need to drive long distances if it is a risk for you.

Then don't drive. Meet somewhere where you can use public transport. Like so many comments here have suggested.

But you're not reading them. Nor are you reading the ones that have advised you to use the quote button.

You're so blinkered.

Yeah, realistically a good relationship isn’t going to develop between the OP and her daughter any time soon. Surely they can both just agree to be civil on the day for the sake of their son/brother? Then they can go back to not bothering with each other when it’s over.

Happy to do what? you need to hit the quote button as we have no idea what you "would be happy to do"

The money you will save on the entrance fee and petrol and parking charges would be above £40 surely you can get a train to somewhere nearer for your daughter for that amount? Book the train in advance and travel off peak! Most cities and large towns have free parks and child friendly museums! You need to make the trip all about the children and them enjoying themselves!

Could you drive to your son and ask him to drive you to your daughters and then have a big family day out altogether?

Why do I get the feeling we could be seeing a post on the Stately Homes thread from the daughter 'AIBU to tell my mother no I won't travel 5hrs round trip with 2 small children to see her for a few hrs only because my brother has asked her to make peace with me for his wedding'.
OP, You have been asked several times in order to understand the situation better why you have you not met your grandchildren in the last four years yet you avoid that question constantly. Why? This is really giving 'missing, missing reasons' vibes The Missing Missing Reasons – Issendai. What do you think your daughter would say about this situation if she were contributing to this discussion? How do you think she would explain her actions?
A last point, with a couple of notable exceptions, based on your post, which if anything is likely to be written in your favour realistically, poster after poster is telling you that you are unreasonable. As well as arguing that each one is wrong, at what point do you think you might consider that perhaps after all, you are indeed being unreasonable?

Do what?

Honestly OP - I would not try to do this. You are not yet in a place where you are willing to compromise / make amends/ understand her perspective . It sounds like a meet up would be utterly miserable for you all.
Give it some time and when you have saved up some money - go and stay near her home for a night and meet your daughter day 1 and the children day 2.

I think you will just need to agree to be civil and polite at your son/ brother’s wedding .

Nah I wouldn’t bother. She sounds awful and completely uncompromising. Just be pleasant/civil at the wedding and don’t rise to anything. And then get on with your life. I know someone with an adult child like this and there honestly is no point unless you want to live on an emotional rollercoaster for the rest of your life.

Yes, if this trip goes ahead it’s likely to be a disaster, with both parties resenting each other before it even happens.

You’ve read all of the OP’s posts and have concluded that it’s the daughter who sounds awful?

Appreciate this is slightly on a tangent and not the point of the thread, but...

RHS Wisley is an unexpected gem and one of my regular "go to" places with my 3 small children in tow. There's lots there for children and it's definitely child friendly.

There's a softplay (albeit not hugely advertised - it's hidden and accessed via the glasshouse cafe) adventure playground, multiple cafes for food/ice cream/cake stops... lots of activities on during school holidays. It's great for children!

OP, you are acting like everyone else is fit and healthy. I'm not, I have to arrange transport and a wheelchair in the airport and have physically hauled myself up the stairs to get onto a plane when there was no disabled lift.

Everyone else isn't fit and healthy, and that's definitely something to take into account, but there simply isn't a rationale for not having met a 4 year old grandchild who lives in the same country as you.

You and your dd are stuck in a stubborn defeatist pattern, the texting isn't helping, and I don't think you need joint therapy, you need individual therapy to work on being more flexible and seeing other people's frame of reference. If you can't afford that, buy the Mel Robbin's audiobook 'Let Them' and absorb the messages.

Yeah. Did I miss anything? I appreciate that the OP can’t drive long distances for health reasons and unlike others on the thread, I think it’s justified not wanting to go too far. I also just don’t think it’s a relationship that’s worth pursuing if it’s volatile and constantly breaking down. It’s likely not going to change and will lead to misery for both parties. It’s better if they just live their separate lives and are civil and polite when they do meet up.

So what sounds awful about her? The fact that she said no to that particular place?

Seems like my mum IS on Mumsnet as this is how she conducts herself. My favourite suggestions were a family lunch which was a 8-8.5 hour round trip for lunch or a suggested meet in the middle location -1.5 hour drive for her and a 3.5 hour for me -l would have 2 toddlers in tow. When people are scattered around the country then everyone needs to make effort and not just expect people to work around them, 1.5 hours is quite rigid from you. Not sure why you think Wisley would be great for such small children

I think you and your son need to come to the realisation that your daughter does not want you in her life and probably has her reasons for wanting to keep you at a distance.

But what makes you think it’s the DD who is being UR. I mean five hours in the car with two young children is a big ask, don’t you think? So a three hour meet up, and of an 8 hour day, 5 spent in the car? Which will be more than 5 hours in the car, as the 4 year old will no doubt need a wee stop (or 3!).

Well Op can flush this out by offering to make it easy for the DD and her young dc.

Until then, we'll never know.

🥳🥳🥳

You live too far apart for a day meet up, young kids cannot be expected to sit in a car for five hours and nor can a tired mum be expected to drive them.

All your entrance fees to wisely would cover a cheap hotel room for you, it’s crazy expensive these days including tea, cake etc.