What do I do??? MIL wants to move with us permanently

[youneverwalkedinmyshoes]

I need some help to navigate this situation. My FIL died a year ago and ever since my MIL moved in with us on the basis that she is scared to spend time alone, she has never been alone. We were happy to support her for a couple of months but that soon turned into a year. While here, we supported her, included her in every event, outing, everything. But nothing seemed to be enough, she'll find a way to create a drama over nothing: I didn't pay enough attention to her, my SIL didn't ask about her health every day while she had a cold. Every drama meant hours of crying. I know this could be the way she copes with grief. But she refuses any suggestions of any doctors, medication and proceeds to ruin every event to get the attention. My husband has always been her emotional support, even as a child during a toxic, abusive marriage with my now deceased FIL. Now, she leans on him for even more emotional support to a point where things got a bit weird. She'd call him 'daddy' by accident as she used to call her husband :). If we go out together she'll link arms with him, hold his hand :) :) and I am behind with my child. :)

My husband takes her side, she is vulnerable, she's grieving, she's old, I need to understand. I don't moan about her (not to him anyway) she moans about me to him.

My DH and I have a loving, great relationship. We've been together forever, he's a fantastic man, dad and because of that she can't say "no" to his mum. I know he wants to support her, totally understandable.

She now left for a while but she told me before leaving that she'd like to start a process to move permanently with us. (she leaves in another country). I know she has had some conversations with my husband behind my back. He hasn't said anything but glimpses of things he did say make me think this is not a new idea.
How the hell do I tell my husband without having a massive argument that this is not possible. I am happy for her to visit for a month or two every few months but moving in permanently is way too much. I need space to breath, I need my privacy with my husband, my child, my life. Any kind ideas how to not create a massive argument but nip this in the bud now?

Please be kind, it hasn't been easy

@lxn889121 in the majority cases of multi generational living it will be the woman who ends up doing the majority of care, and in many cases it is culturally expected with no choice.

I am glad if that expectation is changing. There should be a choice not expectation

I have seen this numerous times. The male partner dies or leaves and the son (implicitly or explicitly) is appointed man of the house, I think it leaves a lot of men rather messed up if it happens when they are children.

Spot on! Absolutely agree with this!

Only read the title, NO WAY would this be happening if I was in your shoes, no matter if I liked mil /fil or not. [Not likely to happen both are dead.]

The mother is treating her son like a substitute husband. Her own husband was abusive so she got her emotional needs met from her son.

This is nothing to do with looking after your parents as they age. The mother is treating the OP, as she is the other woman rather than her son’s wife.

She sounds manipulative. “I’d rather jump in front of a bus than live alone” that is emotional manipulation.

I think this started way before that. She mentioned the FIL was abusive, she has had her son as her husband for a while.

Exactly lots of supported living for elderly people. I’d be suggesting this, I couldn’t live with my MIL 24/7 I doubt many people could!

Well your mistake was letting it stretch past a couple of months, functionally she already lives with you, and stopping it is going to be very tough.
You have to have a proper heart to heart with your DH and make it clear to him that this level of drama is not acceptable and that your MIL is ruining your life together, and that of your child, who has to come first.
This is going to be hard though the idea of"nipping it in the bud" is over a year in the rear view mirror- you have to be honest MIL is ruining your relationship, he simply hasn't got the time to be husband to you father to his DC and be husband to his widowed mother.

You need to put your foot down now. And if she eventually finds her own place, make sure it's not just round the corner. And that she rings before dropping in.

Well dont avoid the massive argument ! Just have it !!

I'm glad people are finally being 'selfish'. Being selfish isn't necessarily a bad thing - it's self preservation. It's more common than not, in this day and age, that both adults in the family are working, juggling children and to take on care of aging parents would push them too far.

In the majority of cases, it's women these caring responsibilities fall to. It is incredibly unfair to have to manage younger children, be feeling shoved out of your marriage by MIL who is using OP's husband as a substitute for her deceased spouse (this particular OPs situation) and potentially have to continue to deal with that and her care.

I do look forward in time and I would NEVER ever want my children's lives to be held back because of me! If I needed that much care that I couldn't live independently, I'd either go warden controlled flat, care home or potentially even 'Thelma and Louise' it, if it meant I didn't have to sit in a room while someone wiped my arse for me each day.

I think expecting your children to give up their lives (and probably sanity) for you, is the epitome of selfish behaviour.

There has been discussion before about this generation being the 'squeezed middle' because of caring for children (many of whom are still young as people having kids later), working, juggling the home and their own health and then sometimes caring for ailing parents too, people are being pushed into mental health collapse.

There is nothing wrong with making sure your in laws/ parents are adequately cared for but nobody should feel guilty for not taking it on themselves. It is such a hard job and puts strains on marriages, mental health, work commitments and also the children who witness it all.

Husband is in the wrong for even entertaining such a massive life changing decision without his spouse.

It is also entirely unfair to imply that anyone who won't consider looking after their parents as somewhat morally inferior or a innately selfish person.

I concur that it takes an amazing person to care for ailing parents but I also respect anyone who holds their hands up and admits they can't/don't want to do it because it is SO important that people are genuinely happy to/ accepting of the role of caring for elderly relatives because of how demanding and difficult it is. Otherwise that's where you end up with people snapping/ abuse of the elderly when people aren't coping or are frustrated with no support, little thanks and barely any income. Family carers are amazing but it comes at a large toll for the wellbeing of the 'carers' themselves.

How old is she?

It sounds like your DH is breaking you in quite gently thinking you’ll ease your way into his/her way of thinking. You need to put a halt to this and address it now, firmly and conclusively. Then the idea can be put to bed and you can relax.

My first thought upon reading the title was "run away to sea to be a sailor."
(Yes, that's a Winnie the Pooh reference)
But now I've read your whole post, I'm convinced Piglet was onto something 😂

Start with saying your MIL can’t stay with you until she’s signed up to see a Dr and a grief counselor. Then the massive argument, I’m afraid. Don’t let him tell you that you’re being dramatic or ridiculous. Foot down with a firm hand and check about access to the NHS.

There has been discussion before about this generation being the 'squeezed middle' because of caring for children (many of whom are still young as people having kids later), working, juggling the home and their own health and then sometimes caring for ailing parents too, people are being pushed into mental health collapse.

Not just your generation, I’m afraid. I’m in my 60s. I grew up as many did with a granny sharing our house so mum was looking after 3 kids and granny 1 then granny 2. She almost lost her mind. OP, don’t do it.

@lxn889121 😂😂😂😂

Sell it to her and your DH in a positive way. Talk about the amazing opportunity to have a new life in the UK at her age after a controlling marriage and how wonderful it’ll be to have a home that’s all hers and the new friendships and community she’ll build here. And that you can’t wait to have her over for Sunday dinner/go out with her and your child twice a week/meet for coffee once a month (delete as appropriate).

You make the compromise that she comes to the UK but she has her own space and her own life and you have boundaries that you’ll have to keep reinforcing every single time. Your husband is free to spend more time with her if he likes so long as it doesn’t affect your family dynamic.

To try and encourage her getting help, could your DH say he’s struggling with grief and would like her support with going to family counselling?

I sympathise with you, when my FIL died my MIL moved in to our house but did have her own bedroom, bathroom and small lounge area. It was the worst thing I ever did and regretted it every day. She passed away a few years ago however it was the hardest four years, she was exactly as you describe your MIL, but also played me and my husband off against each other. It is mentally and emotionally exhausting and once you do it there is no turning back; for your own sanity and happiness consider pushing for her own place, I wish I had…

👆🏻 this. Just simply say that it’s not an emotionally healthy situation for any of you to all live together long term, but you hope you can find her somewhere suitably manageable close enough to enjoy each others company and provide support.

If your MIL wasn't an emotionally manipulative woman, you might feel differently about her and the situation. You probably won't be able to have a calm, rational conversation with her, as this doesn't appear to be in her nature. Without a doubt she will ruin your marriage if you all live together. She wants your husband for herself. Please do not feel guilted by prople who say you should look after this woman in your own home. If she's like this now, goodness knows what she will be like once she's got her own way and lives with you. I think you will gradually be pushed out. She doesn't sound a pleasant woman to spend time with, let alone live with. Once someone marries and has their own family, they come first. Sometimes other people have to take priority for different reasons, for a matter of time, but not on a permanent basis. Your husband is married to you, not his mother.

What has your husband said in relation to her possible permanent move?
Sounds like she has emotionally manipulated people for years to get her way, it may have been a way of coping with an abusive relationship. It’s time for your husband to man up for his wife and child.
Its very unfair for him to even let it be suggested.
It might get to the stage that you have to say ‘If she moves in, I move out’.
Dont let him or his mum manipulate you into it.

Very wise advice

How the hell do I tell my husband without having a massive argument that this is not possible.

You stop making avoiding a massive argument the priority and tell him very clearly that her moving in with you is not an option, and why. You will need to be crystal clear, or this train will keep rolling on right over you and you'll end up with the housemate you didn't want.

It sounds like there's an unhealthy level of enmeshment and expectation here, yes her husband was abusive, and yes she's grieving, yes that requires some compassion, but no, it's not your DH responsibility, nor yours to absorb. He was the child, she the adult and it was her job to protect him from their relationship, not keep him implicated in the fall out of it til she goes to her grave, and you and your DC along with him.

Be honest about what you feel and where you stand, start now. If he is as wonderful a husband and man as you say, he will listen and take your feelings on board. They matter, you're his wife. He's a husband and father himself now. Not just her son.

Does it make you happy? No.. its not meant to.

So your suggestion is that she is miserable until MIL dies, by which point her and her husband's relationship is probably reduced to tolerance. I hope I never become the type of person that would put my daughter and her partner through that