What do I do??? MIL wants to move with us permanently

[youneverwalkedinmyshoes]

I need some help to navigate this situation. My FIL died a year ago and ever since my MIL moved in with us on the basis that she is scared to spend time alone, she has never been alone. We were happy to support her for a couple of months but that soon turned into a year. While here, we supported her, included her in every event, outing, everything. But nothing seemed to be enough, she'll find a way to create a drama over nothing: I didn't pay enough attention to her, my SIL didn't ask about her health every day while she had a cold. Every drama meant hours of crying. I know this could be the way she copes with grief. But she refuses any suggestions of any doctors, medication and proceeds to ruin every event to get the attention. My husband has always been her emotional support, even as a child during a toxic, abusive marriage with my now deceased FIL. Now, she leans on him for even more emotional support to a point where things got a bit weird. She'd call him 'daddy' by accident as she used to call her husband :). If we go out together she'll link arms with him, hold his hand :) :) and I am behind with my child. :)

My husband takes her side, she is vulnerable, she's grieving, she's old, I need to understand. I don't moan about her (not to him anyway) she moans about me to him.

My DH and I have a loving, great relationship. We've been together forever, he's a fantastic man, dad and because of that she can't say "no" to his mum. I know he wants to support her, totally understandable.

She now left for a while but she told me before leaving that she'd like to start a process to move permanently with us. (she leaves in another country). I know she has had some conversations with my husband behind my back. He hasn't said anything but glimpses of things he did say make me think this is not a new idea.
How the hell do I tell my husband without having a massive argument that this is not possible. I am happy for her to visit for a month or two every few months but moving in permanently is way too much. I need space to breath, I need my privacy with my husband, my child, my life. Any kind ideas how to not create a massive argument but nip this in the bud now?

Please be kind, it hasn't been easy

OP, I would not entertain this^^ suggestion. Everything you've said about her behaviour would be detrimental to your life is she were in a flat close by too.

It's like she's replaced your FIL with your DH. There's something called emotional incest and this describes it down to a T.

Does your husband actually want his mother to move in? If so, I don't see how you can avoid having the argument.

Oh, I missed that.

What a great son your husband is.

Honestly from my perspective, most of the comments on this thread show how selfish and individualistic the U.K. has become.

A person wanting to take care of their elderly parents? Oh no, how awful. He must have his marriage end for doing so.

Taking care of your elderly parents is a good thing. In fact, as we face an increasingly elderly population, it is going to become necessary for many more of us than do currently. All around the world, and in the U.K. up until the last few generations it has been the norm. Your parents take care of you when you are young, then you take care of them when they are old.

Does it make you happy? No.. its not meant to. But family is supposed to be more important than whether you on your own are more "happy". As a family, you find a way to manage it. Maybe you can adapt your house to make it work better, maybe you can move to somewhere else, or maybe (if possible) she can live next door etc. Do you have to do any of these? No...

You don't have to do anything, but like with all areas of responsibility to our family, we don't have to do things for others... but we should.

Project yourself forward, you are older and your husband dies, and your child says "sorry we can't help, because my partner says they will divorce me if I do". How will you feel?

Personally (and I have this situation in both mine and my parents generation in my own family) the answer is to sit down together, as a 3, and have a few serious chats about how you can make this work. I'm sure you can find a solution that lets your husband care for his elderly mother, without divorcing him, and that also doesn't ruin anyone's lives.

Or.. you could follow the advice on here and threaten him with divorce if he dares consider moving her in...

Tell both of them you’ll gladly support her in finding a new place close by but she can’t live with you long term, end of. She’ll make a big drama out of it and you’ll no doubt be the villain but you’ve truly already done enough to support her and she doesn’t sound overly grateful.

Tell him it’s fine, but your mom has got wind of the plan and is also up for moving in.

She said she'd be happy to move to a flat near us, BUT she's scared to live by herself in her own house, in her own country where she speak the language, etc. She knows how to manipulate the situation: she says 'you'd find me dead in on the streets, i can't live by myself", "I rather jump in front of a car". Quite bizarre attitude. I know she needs to see a doctor, quite soon. She won't listen, mainly because she likes the drama, the attention, i suppose.
No, we're not from a culture where multi-generations live together, just happen to have a needy, manipulative MIL. :)
Thank you all. It looks like I need to prepare for the massive argument.

Project yourself forward, you are older and your husband dies, and your child says "sorry we can't help, because my partner says they will divorce me if I do". How will you feel?

Taking care of your elderly parents is a good thing. In fact, as we face an increasingly elderly population, it is going to become necessary for many more of us than do currently. All around the world, and in the U.K. up until the last few generations it has been the norm. Your parents take care of you when you are young, then you take care of them when they are old.

This isn’t kindness, it’s a transactional relationship based on necessity. Around the world, until recently, people have had little choice.

Where is MIL a citizen? She’ll have to pay the annual NHS surcharge, and will struggle to get a visa if she’s not a Commonwealth citizen.

She should sell her overseas property and move into a place not too far from you guys. She has to learn to stand on her own two feet.

Thank you for your message. You explained my husband better then I could. He is that kind of person, and I am happy he is that way. I am not planning to divorce him, if I was, I'd probably wouldn't care about all this so much.
I want to support my MIL, but not with the price of being the third wheel. I am happy to have a calm conversation between us not behind my back, not by manipulating with tears and quilt.

Surely it does :)

Normally I wouldn’t recommend this but what about a retirement flat with warden? My nana bought one of these years ago and made lots of friends and got involved with socials there (bingo, she organised fish and chip suppers, afternoon tea).

You need to immediately start drip feeding the message that this is a nonstarter, before your MIL and DH cook up any plans. And make it clear. Be passive at first if you need to but you need to succinctly say that you will never have his mother live with you.

My Mum has recently lost my Dad and whilst she is devastated - she has pushed herself to do things, join things, drive to places she never has before, she joins me and sisters a lot for meals out and outings but she is living by herself for the first time in her life at 74 and is just having to adapt.

I would say to your husband tonight…

Your Mum seems to be a bit better, that’s good. She has to start adapting. It’s a new chapter and it won’t be easy, but it’s time to get on with it. If she visits us every six weeks, then sees Auntie so and so in the summer, it will give her things to look forward to.

Then in a few days ‘Spoken to your Mum today? Don’t suggest her coming over until at least the end of July, we have too much on and she has to start getting used to being on her own.

Then a few days later say in conversation ‘There isn’t much I wouldn’t do for you, but I couldn’t cope with your Mum living with us. Dear Lord, I’d be out that door in a flash if you ever suggested that, ha, ha. Great that she’s got you though and she can visit regularly.

Your reply demonstrates that you have not properly read OPs post about her MIL's extremely difficult behaviour. Looking after your elders is one thing but allowing your life to be dominated and manipulated by them is another.

A flat nearby I can see why she might agree in principle but before my nana got the retirement flat she bought a normal flat. She moved from her house due to divorce and close of their business and she didn’t want another house. Found it too much hassle.

No way. She can get a flat in the neighbourhood or I would be out.

My gran lived with us when I was a small child and it was horrific for everyone. I’d never inflict that on my kids.

I one hundred percent would look after my elderly parents because they’re nice people who have done a lot for me. But this scenario doesn’t sound like this. The MIL is being manipulative.

Holding hands with her son while his wife and child trail along behind?? Fuck that. That is most odd behaviour. Why doesn’t he say ‘Christ Mum, we can’t hold hands, I’m a 42 year old married man, not six.’

Everyone assumes older people are sweet and vulnerable, but they’re not. It sounds like this MIL wants to relinquish all responsibility and just move in with OP and replace her DH with her DS with no regard for the OP whatsoever.

Tell him he can get a place with her, then he’ll have to deal with her.

H has to make a decision fast and that must be a flat nearby but strict rules about MIL not having a key to your home or not allowed to just drop in whenever she feels like it.
Sadly you may have to be as tearful and manipulative as MIL is - play her at her own game.
If H is not prepared to put you first then you know exactly where you stand and then you’ll have a decision to make.

'Your parents take care of you when you are young, then you take care of them when they are old.'

This isn't the case in the UK. Parents have a legal obligation to care for and support their children up to the age of 18. Failure to do so could result in them having their children taken into care and the parents being prosecuted for neglect.

There is no such legal obligation for adult children to provide hands-on care for their elderly parents and to move them into their homes. Some people will do this, either because they actively want to provide hands-on care for their elderly parent(s) or out of a sense of duty or obligation.

OP's MIL doesn't sound like the sort of person that will enhance OP's life. I'm not sure how old she is but she doesn't sound capable of living independently and will be a massive burden on OP if she moves in with her. She would monopolise OP's husband and contribute nothing positive to the household.

This is emotional abuse. Threatening to kill yourself to get your own way.

I would agree with you that our individualistic society has had a negative impact on community life and to some extent family life. However, I disagree that the husband here is to be praised for his behaviour.

He is in a marriage. That is recognised in law and by societal norms as being a primary adult relationship. By which I mean that if someone is married, that relationship is recognised as the priority adult relationship in someone’s life. And if they have children, those children are also a priority relationship. When you get married, all other adult relationships become a lower priority than the marriage relationship. That even means parents and siblings. Not that they’re not important and not cared about but a person’s first adult responsibility is to their spouse. That also ought to be respected by other family members.

My mum has been widowed for years and DSis and I see it as our responsibility to make sure she’s cared for appropriately. She’s an amazingly fit, healthy and independent woman in her eighties so it’s not an onerous task at the moment but she’s got a minor op coming up so I’ll be staying with her for a few days to look after her and it’s a privilege to do so. However she would never put me in a position where I had to choose between her and my husband. She has never said a bad word about DH in 37 years of knowing him, nor has she about my sister’s husband (she adores the pair of them so not difficult) and she doesn’t do attention seeking things for the sake of it. She knows both DSis and I are there for her and support and help her but she also knows we have other family responsibilities that are very important. OP’s DH listens to his mother bad mouthing his wife and does nothing about it. That’s despicable in my view. He is also in secret talks with his mother about the future whilst keeping his wife in the dark. He has his priorities absolutely wrong and it will go very wrong for him if he’s not careful. Sadly this MIL is the very opposite of my mum. She’s self centred and divisive. I’m also a MIL and keep well out of my children’s (thankfully very happy) marriages.