To be annoyed about DP saying my brother has ruined our holiday?

[Lisatron]

I'm currently away in Spain with DP, DD4, DS1 and my brother (22), I'm quite close to my brother and he comes over often when we're at home.

In the past he has struggled mentally, he's also T1 diabetic and while as a teen he ate alot of sugary things and didn't do his insulin and as a result he was very unwell. He's also got a habit of drinking too much which he can't do and he was once left by his ‘ friends’ when he had q hypo so I do worry about him lot, even though it's well managed he can make silly decisions especially when struggling.

Our mum mentioned to me before we left that he had been acting off again but he was saying he was “fine”, I hadn't noticed anything but I obviously kept it in mind.

We got here Saturday and it was already off to a bad start due to our flight being delayed, yesterday was good until last night when brother disappeared without saying where he was going. It turns out he was in a bar drinking on his own.

Long story short, he had a hypo and was argumentative when I was trying to help him, DP had our children with him and I was with my brother, he was eventually fine but I stayed with him in his room to keep an eye on him. He's spent the day in his room sleeping off his hangover

Dp wasn't pleased about me staying in his hotel room as the baby kept waking and he said “so much for a relaxing holidays” (as if we could get one with kids anyway) and was annoyed that he hasn't joined us so far after we paid for the holiday and has said it's like having another kid but instead we have a manchild acting like a moody teenager so tonight we've argued because he's annoyed that I'm obviously worried about my brother
he's now stormed out too after saying he's ruined the holiday

AIBU here or is he?

You’re blaming your DP for his reaction to the situation and not your DB for his actions? How come your DB gets a fools pardon but your DP who had a rubbish night parenting the DC whilst you parented your DB isn’t allowed to be annoyed? Likely if you were dismissive when DP raised the issues that’s made it worse. You seem very protective over DB but not understanding of DPs pov at all.

Why are you so defensive of your brother and dismissive of your DP?

How come your brother can spoil two days of the holiday without ruining it (in your view), but your DP sulking for one day is ruining it?

Your marriage may come into bigger problems if you continue to take your family’s side over your husband, even in the face of your husband’s objectively reasonable criticism.

I get your concern for your brother, but his attitude to his diabetes is self destructive and it sounds like he needs therapy and psychological care to try get to the root of the issue, rather than your babying of him which is just transparent paper over the cracks. It’s the longer term health issues that he should be concerned with - the serious consequences of badly managed diabetes will show up in his 40s/50s but it’s not too late for him to turn things around.

You asked if you ABU. Everyone is saying yes. Yet you are still making excuses. You and your brother are being unreasonable and have ruined the holiday. You're another case of
"AIBU"?
Posters overwhelmingly: "yes".
You. "No I'm not because..."

Don't ask a question on here if you won't accept the verdict.

Your brother is being mollycoddled and needs to stand on his own two feet. If that means he has a bad episode and ends up in hospital, so be it. It might make him grow up faster and take responsibility. He won't do that if you and his mum are babysitting him when you need to make him fend for himself and stand on his own feet. No interference from either of you. It's hard, but as the daughter of a dad who had similar, walking away is the only way to do it sometimes.

I'm with your partner. Also, your brother doesn't sound like someone suitable to leave your kids with.

If your DH was aware of DB's history and was been fully onboard with DB coming on holiday, then his annoyance and sulking is really uncalled for.

But was he? Or did he express reservations about taking your DB on holiday with you? Because if so, does seem pretty unfair to take an adult (albeit a young one) who fairly frequently makes choices that put him in dangerous situations with anyone who isn't fully onboard with it.

And also, in any case, unwise to do so when you have young children in your care.

Loving your DB is good, and it sounds like he has challenges that a lot of us would struggle with too, but it doesn't mean it's okay to require others to put up with him messing them around.

You both made the wrong decision to allow DB to come with you on holiday and be responsible for your young kids.

And i think it sounds like you are too involved at home. I don’t know how you are managing that and your 2 young kids.

I think all 3 of you are irresponsible for different reasons, DH probably got pissed off cos the babysitter got pissed, sister babysat him & DH got left with the babysitting. What a shit show, poor children.

You sound more like you’re married to your brother, it’s quite odd.

Dp wasn't pleased about me staying in his hotel room as the baby kept waking and he said “so much for a relaxing holidays”
It wasn't you being in another room or your brother sleeping that was causing the baby to wake up. That suggests he feels you should have been in the room so that he could relax and not be disturbed by his baby waking up while you dealt with getting him/her back to sleep. So in that respect, fuck him.

As much as you care about someone who can be problematic it's never a good idea to have them join you on holiday. Even if their behaviour can be managed and worked around, it's unnecessary effort. You know that now and I don't suppose you would have your brother join your family on holiday again. Hopefully your DP will accept it's a lesson learned for both of you, because he must have agreed to your brother joining you even if he had reservations. He didn't say absolutely not. And hopefully, he will now try to make the best of the resto of the holiday.

You are being completely unreasonable and should apologise to your husband as should your brother.

My grandpa was a very controlling diabetic who would deliberately have hypos to get what he wanted. Like to get attention, people to come back early from trips etc. I dont blame your DH at all.

Wow, you and your mum really pander to your brother. My step dad and my nephew are both type 1 diabetics. I leave them to it. They are ADULTS and on the (multiple) times my step dad has gone too far drinking and gory himself I refuse to get involved because he’s an adult with capacity and I refuse to let his poor choices ruin my life. I’m not an emergency service. I’m a person with feelings and boundaries. He’s currently wearing a boot after breaking his ankle a few weeks ago. Last year it was a broken collar bone. Before that it was broken ribs. I refuse to enable him.

I’m not saying don’t care for your brother. I’m not saying don’t see him. I’m saying stop being his emotional support sippy cup and let him learn the consequences of his poor choices because right now you aren’t even BEGINNING to help him to be accountable for his actions or take personal responsibility for his ( awful) life choices. You and your mum just swoop in and run interference and enable him. And then SURPRISE! He does it again and again.

if I was your DH I’d be fuming to. Honestly, prioritise your actual collagen and DH instead of enabling your adult sibling.

Your brother needs to apologise and make amends for the rest of the holiday. Hopefully, the embarrassment will stay with him and he won't behave so recklessly in future.

Your husband has every right to be angry, I would he livid. However, banging on about the holiday being ruined with actually ruin the holiday.

You sound too soft on your brother and ready to makes excuses, which isn't going to help him - have you tried to have an honest conversation about what's going on with him? I don't think you were unreasonable to stay with him - he may have acted like a dickhead, but you're hardly going to just leave him to it after a hypo (whatever the cause).

Was brother aware he was meant to be there for childcare reasons? Maybe part of his excessive drinking was to avoid the whole situation of being the hired help and have a 'fun' holiday of drinking at the expense of someone else.

As others have said at 22 your brother is old enough to understand the consequences of his diabetes and managing it. I don't think I would want to be leaving him with the children alone as he doesn't sound responsible at all.
I don't get why you would want to invite him along to a family holiday on his own either. Surely he is just a third wheel and it always had potential to be awkward in him finding a group of lads to hang out with.

Your brother is being completely unreasonable by thinking that as a T1 diabetic he can go out and get drunk without suffering any effects. It would be bad enough if he didn't have T1 but he's being a complete fool. For info my oldest who has had T1 for 25 years, doesn't drink because it's well known that alcohol and T1 don't mix well. I would be angry if I was your DH, your brother could die due to stupidity.

Wow, I can’t beleive your attitude, you place your brother well above your own family by a long way. That’s quite shocking. Your poor husband,

Guarantee we’ll be reading your post down the line that your husband has left you and you have no idea why!

You’re enabling your brothers poor behaviour patterns and he unfortunately won’t learn until he’s unfortunately felt the consequences for his actions!

I feel for you I really do, I have a sibling in a similar situation who I love dearly but I had to take a step back as they’re an adult and my babies have to come first before anything else! It’s not easy but your children need you more and your brother! He needs to help him self and by helping him you’re actually helping him self destruct and take no accountability for his actions!

Sounds like so far he has ruined the holiday?
But why is your husband annoyed that the baby woke up? Is it always you that deals with that?

AIBU?

Yes.

No I’m not - you’re all wrong.

Diabetes is a chronic health condition and you can become overwhelmed and depressed even if you usually manage it well. Did your brother say he'll have the kids some time in the rest of the holiday? DH sulking is obviously not helping anything either. I think he is BU.

Yabu as your brother has acted awfully and selfishly. He's 22 not 16 and needs to grow up

Dh must feel like he has brought a spoilt teenager on the family holiday

However, dh now needs to draw a line under brothers behaviour, as long as brother is willing to stop drinking for the rest of the holiday.

Dh will ruin the rest of the holiday if he keeps on going on about the other night and sulking. Everyone needs to move on

Your husband is correct, your brother is a grown man old enough to look after himself and is acting like the third child. You can care for someone without mothering them which sounds like what you are doing and in turn he’s acting like a child. I’d be annoyed too if I was your husband.

This. 100%.

Sounds as though your brother HAS ruined your holiday. Did your DP want him to come? I bet he didn’t.

I’m with DP here to be honest.