AIBU to feel shocked by a friend saying she did not want another child as she doesn’t want another boy?

[Omgshesaidthat]

Was chatting with my mum friends the other day & talking about who wanted more babies.

One of my friends said she wasn’t going to have anymore because whilst she loved her son to bits, she didn’t want another boy! She said felt that 2 boys would completely change the dynamics of the household, 2 boys would egg each other on and it would just be too much of a boisterous household.

I was just totally shocked that she would say that out loud tbh and it’s really clouded my view of her.

I’ve got 2 girls and I just can’t imagine not wanting to have gone for the 2nd in case the house was too girly !

Aibu to think this was an awful thing to say and back off from her?

Studies gave shown there arent differences other than the ones the parents put on them from the time they know their sex. The parents make the children who they are and that is greatly influenced by their sex.

Ive 2 boys and im not having a 3rd because I would probably have another boy and I think 3 boys would break me. I think its good when people know their limit

You know nothing about raising boys. You spout opinion based in no fact.

We live in a patriarchy. There is some degree of biological imperative. Of course good parents try to socialise out of the negative aspects and encourage positive ones.

But it's hard. It's taking a line and holding it... forever. It's the drip, drip, drip of maintaining it everyday while surrounded with opposite examples.

So fuck off with your rage baiting bigotry. You're ignorant. You spout hate.

We’ve got three boys!

It was a lot, at times, but the teen years were easy. Boys are simple creatures, they blow up and then it’s over. I also didn’t have to go through menopause while a daughter was going through puberty and all those hormone fluctuations.

When I was pregnant with my 3rd I was half hoping for another boy as we already had a house full of garages and trains and there wasn’t the room for dolls houses! 🤣

'Studies'. Which? Quote with citations.

You're talking to feminists with lived experience of raising boys.

You're taking fact and blowing nothing but hot air at it.

I don’t think it matters ultimately. I once had a school mum start randomly explaining (almost justifying) why she only had one child. I had never asked for this information and honestly didn’t care. She claimed it was due to birth trauma which may be true but she’s also a very old mum so I reckon she might have struggled to conceive. Either way, I just didn’t ask for this information nor care! It’s ultimately none of anyone else’s business how many kids a person does or doesn’t have.

I didn't notice stark differences between DS and DDs but I did notice periods when DS was more tearful or more boisterous than usual and talking to other mothers of boys they were roughly similar periods of development.

It is hard to remove cultural expectations because we don't live in bubbles and I found primary school absolute worse for gendered roles and stero types.

I suspect though like most devlopment things it is a complex interaction between nature and nurture rather than an absolute one or another and there will be a huge range of behaviors which will likely have an overlap between the sexes.

I did once listen to a mother of two boys saying how she love a girl and assumed any therotical girl would be the girlest girl out there - which as I had two very different girls struck me as a very odd expectation.

Here though they have one boy and likely assume a second sharing 50% of genes as siblings do will likely have many shared characteristics with their first and they've decided one is enough - unless she' preaching no-one should ever want more than one boy it's an individual choice probably made with more back thought and unexpressed inputs that the conversation OP had encompassed.

@Bridgertonisbest Boys are simple creatures, they blow up and then it’s over. As a teacher, I more or less agree. Not necessarily that they're simple, but that on the whole they don't hold grudges. And there is a lot less of the insidious, hidden bullying that happens with girls.

Refreshing really. Despite the testosterone smell flooding a room with 15 year old boys!

bit harsh to back off from her.

You might disagree (and I can't for the life of me understand what's the problem with having boys at home!)

but her feelings are valid and better to acknowledge them and not force herself to have kids she doesn't want? She's settled in her current situation, good.

So much better than all these people who have kids for no real reason, and no thought about the work and changes they cause, and then regret them and worst resent them

Loads of studies
You google it yourself and see. If I.put them here, youre going to feel stupid. Best you make yourself look stupid and find them yourself. Any simple related Google search will have them coming up for you.

Ive raised boys myself. The drip drip drip comes from the people you choose to be around your kids. Choose better people.

So no evidence then. As was obvious.

Yes. There is a substantial literature showing that parents interact differently with children based on sex, although the strength and nature of those differences vary by domain. If your specific interest is whether differential treatment begins before birth, there is also a smaller but intriguing body of fetal and prenatal research.

High-quality reviews and meta-analyses on sex-differentiated parenting

These are the strongest starting points because they synthesize large numbers of studies.

1. Endendijk et al. (2016)

"Gender-Differentiated Parenting Revisited: Meta-Analysis Reveals Very Few Differences in Parental Control of Boys and Girls"

Meta-analysis of 126 observational studies involving over 15,000 families*.

• Examined actual observed parenting rather than self-reports.

• Conclusion: large differences are uncommon, but some consistent differences remain:

  • Boys receive somewhat more physical control and discipline.
  • Girls receive somewhat more supportive communication.
  • Fathers tend to differentiate somewhat more than mothers in certain domains. ([PubMed][1]) theoretical work

Argues that sex differentiation is a developmental process involving continuous interaction between biology and social expectations.

Sandra Bem

Proposed that parents begin organizing expectations around a child's sex very early, potentially before birth once fetal sex is known.

Rebecca M. Jordan-Young

Critically reviews claims about innate sex differences and emphasizes the role of parental expectations in producing developmental differences.

---

If your focus is specifically "the fetus"

The strongest evidence is not that parents are already treating male and female fetuses radically differently in behavior, but rather that:

1. *Parents develop different expectations once fetal sex is known.*
2. *They describe, imagine, and talk about fetuses differently according to sex.*
3. *These expectations appear before birth and may shape later interactions.*

The evidence is strongest for differences in perception, expectation, language, and symbolic preparation, and somewhat weaker for large behavioral differences during pregnancy itself.

If you'd like, I can also compile a more specialized bibliography focused only on:

• prenatal attachment and fetal sex,
• ultrasound and parental gendering of the fetus,
• maternal-fetal attachment scales,
• or studies that measured parents talking to or interacting with fetuses differently by sex.

[1]: pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27416099/?utm_source=chatgpt.com "Gender-Differentiated Parenting Revisited: Meta-Analysis Reveals Very Few Differences in Parental Control of Boys and Girls - PubMed"

This is what i got in a second from.chat GPT. There are many more, especially around linguistics.

My boy was always the most energetic of all his little baby friends. All the other boys couldn't keep up with him even, still can.

But he's also the sweetest, most compliant, great at sharing and caring for other kids. He'll share out chocolate whilst other toddlers are whining about sharing a carrot stick.

If I wanted another child, I'd happily have another boy exactly like him because I know how to parent him. But I've known rough boys, whiny girls, quiet girls, etc. I wouldn't want to be the only woman in an otherwise male household, but wen it comes to parenting, a boy exactly like mine would be the easiest thing in the world.

I have a boy and I wouldn't want another for the same reason as your friend. In fact I wouldn't want another of either sex. One child is much easier than two no matter the sex IME.

Behavioural studies showing parents interact differently with differently-sexed children / babies is not the same as "Studies gave shown there arent differences other than the ones the parents put on them from the time they know their sex" though.

As your first cited study is summarised: "sex differentiation is a developmental process involving continuous interaction between biology and social expectations."

Biological sex still counts, personality traits still count, we're not just born blank and malleable.

The woman needn't have more kids if she doesn't want of course. If they had a girl and the husband asked her if they could stop at one child because he didn't want to risk another girl and a more girly household dynamic, would she be miffed?

I spent my third pregnancy petrified it would be a second boy. I love the bones of my son but my God he's challenging in a way my girls haven't been. Another one of him would have finished me off!

This all feels like the same kind of conversation where people say “men, huh? They just can’t ever find anything or be relied upon to look after the kids sensibly. Well, what can you expect?”

It’s so infuriating.

Double

It extensively shows that parents socialise their children according to gender. If you were to believe that your fetus were female, youd use different language, have different expectations and overall, treat them differently than you would a male male fetus. Other studies have shown that adults approach play with a baby of unknown sex accruing to their gender based assumptions. They'll get a car out and rough house with a boy, while doing more gentle, imaginative play with girls.

It is the parents who socialise the child into these sex based roles.

Girls do not have a biological tendency to prefer dolls and dresses.

And yes, she should be "miffed"

YABU. One of the reasons I’m reluctant to have children is because I don’t know how id deal with a boy.

I think you think this is awful as you don’t have any clue how full on and exhausting it can be parenting young boys.

I think you want to interpret these and similar studies as if they show that were girls and boys to be treated exactly the same, there wouldn't be key biologically gendered behavioural differences between boys and girls - that's not what the studies demonstrate. It can both be true that parents treat children differently according to their sex and that there are differences between the sexes which tend to produce different behaviours. Those differentiated behaviours or ways of being, though, aren't really the same thing as stereotyped social expectations (pink, glitter, whatever).

I only have one because of my first!! - not going through that hell again

I would advise her to back off from you.