AIBU to feel shocked by a friend saying she did not want another child as she doesn’t want another boy?

[Omgshesaidthat]

Was chatting with my mum friends the other day & talking about who wanted more babies.

One of my friends said she wasn’t going to have anymore because whilst she loved her son to bits, she didn’t want another boy! She said felt that 2 boys would completely change the dynamics of the household, 2 boys would egg each other on and it would just be too much of a boisterous household.

I was just totally shocked that she would say that out loud tbh and it’s really clouded my view of her.

I’ve got 2 girls and I just can’t imagine not wanting to have gone for the 2nd in case the house was too girly !

Aibu to think this was an awful thing to say and back off from her?

Well, as a household with one boy, a boisterous, loud (lovely, sweet, adored, cherished), chaotic boy, I am very very glad I stopped at one! I've seen him in action with his mates and frankly, there is no way on earth I would have wanted that transported into my home.

Super glad we have him. Our lives would have been empty without him. But glad there is one of him!

No, it isnt normal to detest men so much that you won't have another child in case it is male.

The only place you'll find that normalised is where there are lots of women who think it is normal to feel negatively about males. Even male children.

Western white women have made a clear move towards a gender preference for girls due to their poor view of men. Even the men they raise themselves! They "gentle parent" useless, violent, filthy men and then wonder why they fear and loathe them so much.

'Bare branches', 'bare sticks'. Phrases to describe men who will never be able to marry or have a family due to previous gender preference towards boys in China resulting in a shortage of women within a specific generation.

Western white women have made a clear move towards a gender preference for girls due to their poor view of men. Even the men they raise themselves! They "gentle parent" useless, violent, filthy men and then wonder why they fear and loathe them so much.

Sure. If treating the raising of boys as a 'gentle parent' means socialising them into being capable of cleaning, cooking, taking care of domestic tasks in order to try to undo societal patriarchal standards. But you crack on with your judgement.

Your user name is pointing right back at you.

I have two boys.. your frind is right about the dynamics. I chucked out my fancy shoes years ago and everything is covered in mud. There are sticks in my car and in my handbag. I am forever shouting 'leave your brother alone'. My house is now very masculine and they are a handful. I love thrm but your friend is right about how it would be and if thats not how she wants to live then its enturely her choice.

No it means not bothering to discipline your child in case they don't like you. If it meant raising a loving and empathetic child, and they believed they could raise boys that way, they Wouldn't be so disgusted by having a boy, would they? There wouldn't be as many of these women devastated because their child is a boy and now they think he has no hope of being a decent person.

It's because they know they are only capable of rasing violent, selfish monsters that they hate boys and would hate a male child.

With the comparison to yourself and the girly house, that’s not a particularly good one because you’re female yourself so no I can’t imagine that being a consideration. I personally don’t particularly like male company and wouldn’t want to have several boy children and to live in an all male house, especially as they got older.
Also people can choose their own family size for whatever reasons and it’s nothing to do with anyone else.

Well this will probably horrify you, but I have one (completely beautiful) son, as my moniker suggests, and I have absolutely no desire for any more children, whether boy or girl, because I genuinely think we have created the perfect family dynamic.

I wouldn’t particularly want the potential boisterousness and chaos that another boy might bring, nor have I ever been especially attracted to the prospect of raising a daughter. The interests, activities and family dynamic I naturally gravitate towards simply align more closely with having a son, which is why my husband and I had always hoped for a boy. Had we had a girl, I am sure we would have adored her just as much, but if I am being completely honest, I would probably have felt a flicker of disappointment initially.

As it is, our son thrives on having both of our undivided attention, and we love the life we have as a family of three.

It's true though, isn't it? She isn't saying she is sorry she got pregnant because she is having a boy. She is just saying that the dynamic wouldn't suit her which is her choice.
Having girls is different. I had one boy and wanted a girl so timed intercourse to give us the best chance. And it worked. I love my girl to bits (and my boy!). I love our family and I would have enjoyed another boy too but the dynamic in the house would have been different.

Btw saying you want a boy or girl is no different to saying you want 3 kids etc. The whole idea of having children is selfish.

Tbh I think women have tried their best to raise their sons as good people over the centuries but for some reason a fairly decent chunk of them still turn out to be awful (lazy, abusive, violent etc).

If I’d had my son first, not a chance I would have risked another. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that at all. You sound really smug and judgy. I wouldn’t have been able to cope and maybe she can’t and is being honest about it.

I don't. You can see from this thread that many people believe that boys and girls are distinctly different in terms of their minds, and therefore they will raise a child according to their sex based beliefs from the moment they know their sex.

Someone who understands that we socialise boys and girls into being who and how they are would not have any preference over the sex of a future baby. It would be about having the resources to raise another child at all.

OP, you say:
’I’ve got 2 girls and I just can’t imagine not wanting to have gone for the 2nd in case the house was too girly !’

Read that back to yourself, slowly, and then take some time to reflect on why it’s entirely different, your friend not wanting to risk having another boy.

(Mum to DS1 and Dtwin boys)

No it is about as silly as saying that you don't want another girl because you don't want to do ballet classes on the weekends.

Interesting conclusion to reach. I think you might be missing something important. What could it be?

She is saying that she cannot imagine her reason for not TTC another baby is in case it is a girl and makes her house "girly". The OP doesn't believe that an unequal gender ratio will make the house either "girly" or "boyish" because she doesnt believe humans fit into these gendered personality traits based on their sex. She doesn't believe having anither girl will necessarily increase the number of dolls and princess parties like others would assume it would.

Im the 3rd and how or why im here, im not sure!! The tales my dm told of my sister yhere would be no way id be having another! Maybe she had the same thought, if she could deal with sister (her 2nd) she could cope with anything!

It's ok to have a preference. Im child free by choice but if I did have one id want them to be a girl. But I'd probably adopt a girl if I ever wanted a child. I've never wanted a biological child

Oh, that they chose a man who they know 100% has these views and so the child will hsve no hope at all of escaping these expectations.

Think your friend's made a fair point tbh. My mum has 3 brothers and a close friend has the same. From what I've been told, their houses were boisterous when they were young and once they became teens it was a macho household with a fair few scraps and a lot of noise. They were all loved and happy but definitely a handful for their parents!

Yeah but we live in a society where sex based gendered roles are so ingrained despite so much progress generally in terms of equality. And someone’s mum doing their best and thinking it’s all about nurture won’t protect them from the influence of wider society

I've got 2 boys. They're both very gentle and sweet.

They also love spending a good chunk of every day, battering the shit out of eachother "play fighting".

I grew up in a house of girls and my husband grew up all boys. I do find it overwhelming sometimes.

Obviously I'm not saying all boys and all girls are the same but some children behave sometimes according to gender typical norms.

Well it’s better than trying for another baby, falling pregnant then being upset because it is a boy, despite knowing in advance that there was a 50:50 chance of it being so, which is what happens on here frequently. She’s being responsible.

Poor woman, is she not allowed to say how she feels about her own situation?

In that case, you'd want a baby of the sex most privileged, surely. So you'd want a boy. You wouldn't want a girl who will be harmed by these boys that "society" creates despite the efforts of their parents.