To have asked what his daughter normally eats in a foodless house??

[AlwaysSomeKunceInTheWay]

Bloke I’ve been seeing invited me over for dinner Saturday night. Idea was he’d cook dinner, I stay the night and then drive to the coast Sunday morning.

So I got there and he said he’d decided we should get a takeaway instead of him cooking. I said I don’t like to eat takeaway but I’m happy to eat anything … beans on toast would do. He said he didn’t have anything in. No bread, nothing. I’d noticed there was a pizza in the fridge so I suggested we cook that, he said no as it’s his daughters (she lives with him, 12) and she’d given strict instructions not to touch it. I said “well surely we could just replace it tomorrow before she comes home?” He said no as she’d made it herself … it was an asda pizza!! Ok she may have chosen the toppings but surely we could have just had the same one made again??

Anyway I agreed to the takeaway but made it clear that I wouldn’t be making a habit of it as I’m health conscious. I ended up paying for half of it which normally I would expect but he’d invited me over for dinner!!?

Anyway next morning we got up, he made a coffee and then said we’d only be able to have the one as he was running low on coffee but he said he had plenty of tea bags in. I don’t drink tea.

Anyway time is ticking on and he asked if I was ready to head out to the coast … I said “are we not having any breakfast?” He replied “I don’t really have anything in”. So I said “no cereal?” He said no. I said “what do you normally do for breakfast?” So he said “I don’t normally bother or I have a packet of crisps”.

Now the next thing I said is my AIBU …

I said “what does your daughter eat for breakfast?”. He looked pissed off and started stuttering etc before saying she just has crisps or whatever. I didn’t say anything else but I told him I’d be stopping off at shop on the way to buy MYSELF something to eat. He then starts banging on about McDonald’s breakfast etc etc which I refused.

Hes messaged me this morning saying he’s a bit upset that I implied his daughter isn’t well taken care of. I simply asked what she normally had for breakfast since there was fuck all in the cupboards!!

Was I wrong to ask??

This is what happens when someone who likely left all cooking, cleaning and childcare to his ex lives by himself.

People always say 'he'll need to do it when you split up and he lives alone'. No he won't, he'll live on takeaways, in squalor.

Was his house untidy/dirty too?

My reply would be
“If your daughter has to give strict instructions that you don’t touch her pizza then she is clearly worried or fed up of there never being any food. If she had to eat crisps for breakfast because you don’t provide nutritious food then she is not well taken care of. We clearly have very different attitudes to food; I’d expect a normal family home to have bread, fruit, yoghurt, eggs in as standard. If I’m invited over and told you will cook dinner then I don’t expect to pay for half a takeaway nor do I want to eat greasy takeaway food. We don’t match up very well so we won’t be seeing each other again.”

Is it usual in your house to have literally nothing in the house to eat at all — no cans of beans or dried pasta in the cupboard, or an emergency loaf of bread and carton of milk in the freezer, a couple of slightly wizened apples in the fruit bowl? I would associate literally running out of food completely to the point of an entirely foodless house, with extreme poverty. I grew up very poor, and food ran very low as it approached my dad’s Thursday payday, when the food shop was done, but there would still have been a slice of toast, or porridge.

I agree with not touching her pizza as if you were out Sunday, you’d have to get to an Asda and the pizza counters aren’t open all the time, so there’s a risk you’d not have been able to replace it.

however, you seem incompatible. He’s overweight and likes a takeaway, you don’t and say your health conscious. Can you imagine either of you would change in the future?

That poor kid. If you know which school she goes to, I'd call the safeguarding lead. And report to social services. This is neglect.

And of course never see him again.

That poor kid. If you know which school she goes to, I'd call the safeguarding lead. And report to social services. This is neglect.

And of course never see him again.

Getting mine to eat breakfast is hard, but I persevere because skipping meals can lead to eating disorders. Without the food to kickstart the day sometimes the hunger response doesn't kick in and things can go very wrong.

So I would judge him not to have things in to at least try and tempt her with. It's not even like he is saying she doesn't eat breakfast. He is saying she has crisps for breakfast.

No judgement intended, I just think everyone should know that a child missing breakfast or lunch could increase their risk of an eating disorder.

Poor kid! Total neglect…. However…..

Run far away…. Not your monkey, not your circus.

I replied

“sorry but you literally had no food in the house! No bread, no cereal, no fruit - of course I’m going to wonder what you both eat normally!
plus when you came to mine for the night you had dinner, breakfast and lunch so yeah - I expected the same courtesy to be honest.”

He told OP that his daughter has crisps “or something” for breakfast. Because he doesn’t buy food - just junk obviously.

Poor kid, no wonder she'd begged him not to touch her pizza, she'd probably had to buy it herself and had no idea where the next meal was coming from!

I'd message him back saying having no food available for your child doesn't imply she is being taken care of.

Oh give over.

Shes away for a few days so the kitchen cupboards go from a healthy, normal level of stock to a single pizza and teabags??

Why would a teen being gone for a few days mean the cupboards are literally bare??

It would take weeks if not months of cooking and not visiting a shop for a standard family kitchen to get to that level, factoring in things like tins, cereal, pasta, lentils.

No fresh fruit or veg at all? No bread?

Stop making excuses for this pathetic man. There is no way that he can be looking after his childs nutritional needs if its normal for him to have absolutely nothing to eat and suggesting a takeaway every time OP wants food.

OP I would be dumping his arse. Telling him exactly why and telling social services too. They can decide if its appropriate.

Respectfully, it’s not the OP’s unimpressive evening that’s the main issue here!

Putting the child aside for a moment, I can’t see the issue in not having food in. I used to buy food as I needed it so never had bread/milk etc in the cupboard. My executive function was and is perfectly fine.

Bit weird to invite Op for dinner in that situation though.

Surely that’s not a school issue but an issue for social services ?

It wasn’t a complete shit hole but it was unkempt- stains on the sofa and quite a bit of clutter

Oh no, yet another manchild looking for a mother not a lover. How have we reached this bloody mess?

Well she isn't well taken care of is she if there isn't food in the house.

Bless that girl. Is he going to buy her sanitary products ? He sounds fucking awful and I’d judge anyone with a child who could not rustle up even a bloody pot noodle. You don’t even physically need to go to shops you can get it delivered.

No, I don't think you were wrong to ask. I would have too and probably been less tactful.

He has shown you who he is and that is someone you don't like (who would?) so end it. I wouldn't bother giving an explanation, just a short text saying I'd realised we weren't compatible and that we wouldn't be seeing each other or be in contact again so no need to reply. He is incredibly lazy so hopefully he won't bother replying. If he does and becomes abusive reply once to tell him you are keeping his messages and you will consider any further contact to be harassment and will contact the police. And do that.

School can refer.

You've dumped him now yes?

And made a safeguarding referral because you know a child is being neglected?

I think a lot of people survive on takeaways and junk food. It's not great but sadly isn't that abnormal.

You were unreasonable to try and push to eat his daughter's pizza but you're not unreasonable to be turned off by this. Ultimately, if you are health conscious and he lives on takeaways then you are incompatible.

I don't think it was reasonable for you to ask to eat the Asda pizza, because that didn't belong to you. However, the rest of it is weird. It's very odd that he invited you for dinner but did not have any basic essentials at home. That's just not ok. And there is nothing wrong in questioning what his daughter eats- anyone would be curious given the state of his kitchen. He is clearly not a very caring parent.

Please do this.