To have asked what his daughter normally eats in a foodless house??

[AlwaysSomeKunceInTheWay]

Bloke I’ve been seeing invited me over for dinner Saturday night. Idea was he’d cook dinner, I stay the night and then drive to the coast Sunday morning.

So I got there and he said he’d decided we should get a takeaway instead of him cooking. I said I don’t like to eat takeaway but I’m happy to eat anything … beans on toast would do. He said he didn’t have anything in. No bread, nothing. I’d noticed there was a pizza in the fridge so I suggested we cook that, he said no as it’s his daughters (she lives with him, 12) and she’d given strict instructions not to touch it. I said “well surely we could just replace it tomorrow before she comes home?” He said no as she’d made it herself … it was an asda pizza!! Ok she may have chosen the toppings but surely we could have just had the same one made again??

Anyway I agreed to the takeaway but made it clear that I wouldn’t be making a habit of it as I’m health conscious. I ended up paying for half of it which normally I would expect but he’d invited me over for dinner!!?

Anyway next morning we got up, he made a coffee and then said we’d only be able to have the one as he was running low on coffee but he said he had plenty of tea bags in. I don’t drink tea.

Anyway time is ticking on and he asked if I was ready to head out to the coast … I said “are we not having any breakfast?” He replied “I don’t really have anything in”. So I said “no cereal?” He said no. I said “what do you normally do for breakfast?” So he said “I don’t normally bother or I have a packet of crisps”.

Now the next thing I said is my AIBU …

I said “what does your daughter eat for breakfast?”. He looked pissed off and started stuttering etc before saying she just has crisps or whatever. I didn’t say anything else but I told him I’d be stopping off at shop on the way to buy MYSELF something to eat. He then starts banging on about McDonald’s breakfast etc etc which I refused.

Hes messaged me this morning saying he’s a bit upset that I implied his daughter isn’t well taken care of. I simply asked what she normally had for breakfast since there was fuck all in the cupboards!!

Was I wrong to ask??

I get you mean but sometimes it takes people a while to fully process what’s going on.

They might know something is amiss and even challenge it at the time, but it’s only after a few days they come to the realisation that it’s not fixable and they don’t want to see that person again.

But yeah hopefully OP didn’t sleep with him. He sounds disgusting. But either way she did say she has ended things now at least,
which is the main thing.

It may be he was just tight and didn't want to provide you any food. He is obviously a liar so may have had food for the daughter but kept out of view of you. Sounds wierd but there's some really tight men out there. It's a huge red flag so hope you end the relationship straight away.

Don't be ridiculous 'stay with him to gauge what his daughter eats' by playing detective it will involve her having to go over, which he will clearly expect a shag 🤢the man lives like a dirty slob by the sound of it, i dread the state of sheets,hope he changed the bed before she stayed.
No,she's done the right thing reporting her concerns and dumping him

Get out now. So many red flags.

Get rid…

It is not OP’s job to contact the mother!
Shes informed school - she’s done her bit!

I do agree with some of your points but the OP hasn't furnished us with the full details. She may have got to his house on the train and had no means of going home, and she may have been especially looking forward to the day out the following day--perhaps he was even dropping her off back home so it may have been impractical for her to just leave. If he's been very nice and normal up to this point, she likely had no idea things would go like this. There are many 'fireside devils' around who are adept at hiding parts of themselves until they're not. If she very much liked him and then he did this, it wouldn't have been easy to say what I HOPE I would've said 'Hang on, you said you were cooking? I am starving and I don't want a takeaway, sorry, I am going to go and get myself some real food and head home'.

I do agree with everything else, completely and I so hope she has actually rid herself of him. I couldn't be doing with this, but I am not 100% sure (depending on circumstances) that I would've just left. I certainly wouldn't if I didn't have transport and/or it would've involved an expensive taxi or putting myself in a situation where I simply could not get home.

OP has clearly been seeing him a while, she states she’s been seeing him for a while and her follow-ups state he’s stayed at hers before plus she’s been with him long enough to have bumped into and know about his ex.

Even in my student days, I always had some quick-cook flavoured noodles and beans available as back up food. Frozen veg (microwavable) was an easy option too.

Very entertaining read but there's a sad underling. This boy child is LOST; LONELY and needs a mother. You cannot expect A child ( HIM ) to be LOGICAL. Hes so in need of someone. Awwww if you really like him or Love him maybe he will gain some strength ( From you) and sort the home out and eventually have basics in Stock. I don't think this guy is neglectful, I just think he's LOST in transit..Bless him.

This is a fully grown adult with a daughter of his own, not a child. Gross.

This isn't entirely strange ; you just jogged my memory of something strange which happened many years ago: A friend was watching over a neighbours house and was given the key while they were away. I went with her to the house in question, to do the daily check. We went inside , and walked into the kitchen; my friend was looking all around and was opening a few cupboards etc. There was a few cupboards over the counter and a kitchen Larder; then she noticed : Not one item of food anywhere; not even a jar of pickles or a pot of salt or a bag of rice , noodles. NOTHING!!!!!!! This was even more strange because it was a middle class family of MALE and FEMALE + TWO small children and DOG..... Strange but true.

He drank the last coffee instead of giving it to you?!!??!!!!
LTB

Wt actual f?

I dont think I said anywhere or even implied that OP should contact the mother.

Its very clear Im talking about CHIN or CP processes.

What’s the point in posting it here then?
OP has reported her concerns to school, what they do next is up to them.

This! TBH I'm not even sure I'd bother telling him, though.

Cant you follow a conversation. Someone made the comment that the mother might be triggered and not able to cope if she were informed of her daughter's care given what OP said about her MH

Im making the point that when a child is open to any services, both parents are worked with (if they engage) and so its a moot point as to whether she is triggered or distressed, she will need to work with services if they open her child.

Not only did you do the right thing, but I’d question if this should be taken further. A 12 year old needs regular, nutritious home cooked meals and a proper breakfast. Crisps are a treat, not a meal.

I would express your concern here and I even contact her school and flag your concern - ask them to speak to her about it - if she lives with him full time or for more than about one weekend a month.

If he can’t even provide food, where else is his parenting lacking? It’s quite a concern I think.

Does the daughter live with him full time? Or she just there every other week or something? When I lived myself my cupboards were empty (mostly) I was often out with friends/work/travelling so perhaps je lives like that except when his daughter is in! I am not overweight (size 6) just had a baby though and now my cupboards are bursting at seems! Everyone lives differently u suppose he doesn’t have the same good value you do but still he should have shopped/cleaned for you (his guest)

Poor girl. Her mums a nut job and dad can’t even be bothered to buy food. Hopefully the school will look into it and at least she can go to her grandmas for food.

A ‘nut job’? Really?

Deleted. Wrong thread. Thought I was replying on the one about the Clare's Law request and the man who has a violent record.

I was that 12 year old. My mum is all about her ponies and her (now) husband. Any money was spent on them, none for DSIS and I. Meals were only really made when BF was visiting (he worked abroad or around the UK most of the time so would be back for just days at a time) and it was his preferences only despite my sister and I absolutely despising it, (if I NEVER look at soggy braised beef with a tin of marrowfat peas and tinned fucking boiled potatoes again it’ll be too soon, same goes for liver and onions).
Mum ate at work and I distinctly recall that once for over a week, the only things in the cupboard was a lone tin of tomatoes, half a pack of OXO cubes, a tin of tuna that had been there for when the dog got sick years earlier and a jar of flour. The freezer had a few unidentifiable things that had been there for maybe years wrapped in cling film and a tray of 30 were eggs on the countertop from a local farmer. Mum was completely blind to the fact that others were hungry when she wasn’t. And it was so normal for us we didn’t kick off about it. We just made ourselves boiled eggs for days and skipped breakfast. School lunches were free.

OP, the only thing you did wrong was not shaming the man hard enough.