To have asked what his daughter normally eats in a foodless house??

[AlwaysSomeKunceInTheWay]

Bloke I’ve been seeing invited me over for dinner Saturday night. Idea was he’d cook dinner, I stay the night and then drive to the coast Sunday morning.

So I got there and he said he’d decided we should get a takeaway instead of him cooking. I said I don’t like to eat takeaway but I’m happy to eat anything … beans on toast would do. He said he didn’t have anything in. No bread, nothing. I’d noticed there was a pizza in the fridge so I suggested we cook that, he said no as it’s his daughters (she lives with him, 12) and she’d given strict instructions not to touch it. I said “well surely we could just replace it tomorrow before she comes home?” He said no as she’d made it herself … it was an asda pizza!! Ok she may have chosen the toppings but surely we could have just had the same one made again??

Anyway I agreed to the takeaway but made it clear that I wouldn’t be making a habit of it as I’m health conscious. I ended up paying for half of it which normally I would expect but he’d invited me over for dinner!!?

Anyway next morning we got up, he made a coffee and then said we’d only be able to have the one as he was running low on coffee but he said he had plenty of tea bags in. I don’t drink tea.

Anyway time is ticking on and he asked if I was ready to head out to the coast … I said “are we not having any breakfast?” He replied “I don’t really have anything in”. So I said “no cereal?” He said no. I said “what do you normally do for breakfast?” So he said “I don’t normally bother or I have a packet of crisps”.

Now the next thing I said is my AIBU …

I said “what does your daughter eat for breakfast?”. He looked pissed off and started stuttering etc before saying she just has crisps or whatever. I didn’t say anything else but I told him I’d be stopping off at shop on the way to buy MYSELF something to eat. He then starts banging on about McDonald’s breakfast etc etc which I refused.

Hes messaged me this morning saying he’s a bit upset that I implied his daughter isn’t well taken care of. I simply asked what she normally had for breakfast since there was fuck all in the cupboards!!

Was I wrong to ask??

Throw this one back hun.

I wonder why he split with his dd's mother. Maybe his allergy to food prep was one factor

@SusieSussex the mum doesn’t sound a great parent either. Poor child

She did. We're worried about the malnourished daughter.*

*Yes, it's possible to be fat and malnourished. Calories /= nutrition.

I grew up in a house like this - dad only. Total shit show and no he did not buy my sanitary products. In the end social services told him to transfer 60 pounds a week to my Halifax account so I could care for myself.

He didn't wash my uniform or buy real food. When I first moved in he bought two freezer ready meals for each day of the week and paper plates.

We were not short of cash but my god I was neglected.

Honestly, OP, you will be so very taken advantage of in a relationship with him. Sack him.

You both sound quite strange.

Won’t eat takeaway due to health but you will eat a supermarket pizza? And you spent the night with a man when you don’t like his hygiene, his approach to food, his care
of his daughter?

I'd be looking up the number for the safeguarding head in the daughter's school.

This child is being neglected.

There are food banks.

And he invited her over for dinner, and could afford his share of a takeaway.

Agree - though there's no indication he might turn violent, it's best to stay safe.

Please do notify SS and also the safeguarding lead in the school she attends all the same.

Where do you get that idea?! If I was skint there is absolutely no way I'd be prioritising spending a fortune on a takeaway for myself over a bit of milk and cereal for my child. He needs to do better.

OP I'd be throwing this one back. I'd make a safeguarding referral too. It's definitely quite haphazard parenting at best and probably neglectful. Without knowing the full context it's difficult to fully assess but that's what the safeguarding team are there for. Maybe you caught him on a bad day. Maybe your referral is going to save this kid's life.

Does he work ? Does he look like he’s struggling for money maybe ?
I can’t get my head round having nothing it for his daughter to eat, it’s takes five mins to order a shop for basics or nip to the shops? It’s not normal and I wonder if there is another reason for it ?
I wouldn’t be able to leave it, for his daughter’s sake. I’d have to find out more or report it.

It sounds like he needs reporting to social services, his poor daughter.

I’m glad you’ve contacted the school, I’d have called him out on it. ‘Yes I prefer healthy food and don’t consider a takeaway I’ve paid half for as acceptable for a dinner invitation, but my biggest concern is you have a child and no food in the house. For gods sake buy her some healthy cereal, some fruit, put a loaf of bread in the freezer and get in some cucumber, tomatoes, eggs and cheese, there is no decent woman on the planet who thinks hmm looks like he is neglecting his child I’m really attracted now. Maybe you should concentrate on supplying your child’s basic needs like food for a while. And an Asda pizza doesn’t cover it.

No, you weren’t questioning him looking after his daughter but he does realise that he is falling short of providing for her……and himself for that matter! He IS neglecting his daughter and he knows it.

YANBU but I don’t understand why when you said you didn’t want to get a take away, the both of you couldn’t have gone to the shops and picked up some bits for a proper meal? I hate having a take away when I don’t fancy one, you don’t enjoy it and it feels like such a waste of money and calories.

He is being weird though.

Everyone saying hes a shit dad dont know the circumstances of this man and his child's life. My dad did his best as a 28 year old widow with 2 young kids. Luckily we had my gran round the corner, which it also looks like this person does too and could possibly have the same set up of gran feeding the child. We ate all main meals at hers during the week. The only food in the house was my dads. Youre judging this man off one thing.

Surely he would have said that if that was the case seen as he’s being so defensive? And even if she eats mains meal at grans - what about breakfast stuff? And lunch stuff for the days she not in school?

And honestly imo if a man’s best is having their mother who doesn’t live with them feed their children all the time, he’s not doing so good unless there’s exceptional circumstances - like he works 60+ hours a week or something.

I lived with my uncle for two years as a child, he has zero kids and has never been married. He cooked lovely meals for me and also made sure we had things in for breakfast like bread, cereal, fruit, tea etc.
We need to expect better from men and hold them to the same standards we hold women . When women do “their best” for children in their custody it’s expected they will provide a basic standard of care for their kids which includes providing meals

And even if he says he is a decent dad - which I doubt he is - he’s still crap as a potential boyfriend. He can’t even sort out a dinner and breakfast for her when he’s been happy to eat meals she provided at hers for him.

The poor daughter. She has no choice about how she lives, and she has a lot to deal with, with her mum being ill.

I’d tell him how weird and unhealthy his shopping/eating habits are, and encourage him to buy in all the good food dd needs.

I’d also consider contacting her school for advice.

Wow, on some level I obviously know children suffer different levels of neglect all the time, but that poor girl.

I’m currently camping with DD11 and we don’t really have any cooking facilities to speak of, but still have a lot more food in our tent than this price of a man keeps in his house.

But forgive me, I forget our place as women, Of course it’s @AlwaysSomeKunceInTheWay ’s fault for asking the question.

I wonder if he is either homeless/hobosexual or lives in a complete s*tip/roommates/hoarder and has borrowed a friend's/parent's/exes house for the "date". Or rented an Air BnB for a couple of days.
Whether it is this or he genuinely has no food in the house and has crisps for breakfast (I mean...) this isn't going to work. There is either some form of dishonesty happening somewhere or you are genuinely incompatible in terms of the expectation of the minimum amount of food a human keeps in their house.

What the heck, haven’t we got passed this sort of horrible thought. What on earth in this makes you think he is gay.

Re-read it. A hobosexual is someone who lives with someone who provides accommodation, bills and food, in exchange for sex. The provider of the home doesn't realise that's the deal until too late.

Oh! My apologies 😂

There was nothing else in the house. OP had been at work all day and needed to eat!

This is weird, I think it’s a huge red flag for the child to be brought up like this with no healthy food available in the house. I wanna say he’s having financial issues but then why did he order a takeaway? I would stay fair away. Is the mum in the picture?