Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

[ThePeachLemur]

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

Have a family party at home with a buffet. It will be a lot cheaper, especially if people bring a bottle with them, which I think is customary for a house party!

Then go out for a meal just you, DH and your DC.

So are you saying you think £500 is too much to spend on your son’s 18th (even though you can afford it). Are you buying him something expensive already so this £500 would be too extravagant on top of his present?

This
you can’t “invite” someone and ask them to pay!

This sounds like a good alternative to me.

Tbh I’d do something at home with the wider family in this situation.

Could you take DS out for lunch to the restaurant as an household and have everyone round late afternoon for drinks/nibbles/cake etc?

Any birthday dinners I’ve been to everyone has always paid for their own meal.

Everything is so expensive. I think try for a set menu just 2 courses or just a mains amd the dessert is his birthday cake you bring with you. Put bottles of wine out and pay for that and say any other drinks please pay at the bar. It will bring it down a lot. Or say after main we are relocating to my house and dish up birthday cake more drinks coffees. Family offered at mine but i couldnt accept not for dd 18th. I did a home 21st but it wasnt really that much cheaper although prices changed a lot in last few years.

If I were invited out for a meal for someone's birthday it would never occur to me that I wouldn't be paying for my own food.

I always find this so strange - I am in my 50s and have been out for many birthday meals, big birthdays and normal birthdays and I have always expected to pay for myself, and so has everyone else. In fact, if anyone was going to be eating for free, it would be the birthday person, because the other guests want to treat them. If we've gone out for family celebrations, then each family has covered their own family. Plus bought a present, because we aren't transactional as so many here seem to be l!

We all pay our own way on family meals but that’s what’s the norm for us

as long as it’s made clear in advance

In my family the bill gets spilt amongst the people there, excluding the birthday person.
If the person doing the inviting had to pay for everyone, the meals simply wouldn't happen due to the expense. So no, it's neither rude nor wrong, whatever the more affluent will have you believe.
Its a bit awkward if in the past you have been hosted for free at everyone's else's birthdays though, as then it looks like you're not reciprocating.

I'd always pay for my own, unless someone invited me out for MY birthday. It's the same with my family and friends so it wouldn't even need to be a discussion. I guess if it's done differently with your DHs family I could see why it's awkward. I'd be embarrassed to ask people to pay their own meal at a wedding or to contribute to food for a DCs birthday at home, but people paying for their own meals out would be completely normal in my circle.

I’d do a party at home tbh. Although if there’s lots of you it can work out at 500 as well.

Yes that. My sister organised a family meal out for my Big Birthday. She sent a WhatsApp message to everyone saying "just we're all aware, people will pay for their meal on the day." She attached a menu so people could choose according to their budget. No-one objected.

This. You could have meal.out for immediate family and a big BBQ for wider family which would be far cheaper for you and your DS could invite some of his friends too.

My grandparents would generally pay for everyone if they invited people for a meal, but they're having the sort of retirement where they can afford month long cruises. Anyone you get than that and I think most people would be expecting to pay for their own.

Invite people out, especially relatives, to dinner and you expect them to pay? Good luck with that one...

No, I couldn't and wouldn't ask people to pay for their own meal at my dc's birthday celebration. Cringing thinking about it.

Either pay or host at home.

Tbh 500 in a restaurant wouldn’t actually cover that many peoples meals . Maybe if there’s only about 15 people but it would surely be tight if not. Perhaps with a set menu , a glass of wine or soft drink and people buy their own drinks if they want more but even then still absolutely no more than 20 people

“We are going to Pizza Hut/Nando’s/Le Manoir aux Quat’Saisons on Sunday. You are welcome to join us if you want, obviously everyone’s paying for themselves.”

So what has happened for big birthdays elsewhere for family members? Did.they pay or did you? I think precedents are important. I could understand if .only was really tight but it does not seem it is and I also.assume the expectation is that 18th birthday presents are quite decent. For me it would take the shine of a party.

Of course it's fine.

Don’t invite them if you can’t afford to pay for them

If I were invited to a restaurant to celebrate a birthday, I’d expect the host was paying TBH

I am late 40s. I’ve also been to lots of celebrations and I have never been expected to pay. I’ve also invited a lot of people to a lot of events and I’ve always paid. Huh, would you look at that…..people do things differently??