Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

[ThePeachLemur]

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

I think the fact it is family makes a bit of a difference op in that you can ask them to pay in advance - though tricky if your DH feels he can't.

As a very general rule, I think if you ask people out to celebrate your birthday etc, people tend to assume you are paying unless it is made clear. I have been to some excruciatingly embarrassing birthday parties where it became obvious we were paying for ourselves and some people had left early without doing so, or hadn't brought the right debit card etc. Basically events where there was a huddle at the table sorting out the bill at the end, trying to work out who had left without paying what etc. For that reason, I would tend to pick up the tab if inviting, or simply have it at home if not paying.

Asking people to pay can feel awkward but leaving it till the night is worse.

As shown by the two sets of families in the thread and the differing opinions this is something that is family specific. For my family it would not even enter their heads that the host pays or any one individual . In DH family it's a fight for the bill to pay with the host leading the charge. The difference between the two families is that mine has a wide range of incomes and DH is all comfortable.

Won’t the drinks end up more expensive than the food?

If you want people to pay, I would go for a set menu that people pay in advance and then you say buy your own drinks as you go.
I know our local restaurants do not like splitting bills for over a certain amount of people, especially if you are all paying for individual food dishes.
One of my friendship groups, one is an accountant and she will pay for all, take the receipt and send us all an individual amount to pay. I don’t believe she has any issues with anyone paying her.

I'd be very happy to be invited and pay for my own meal, much easier than splitting the bill (with all its pitfalls). Unless you're a millionaire, in which case you're being tight!

You said 'we want to invite wider family' so you pay.

Very much depends on the restaurant. If OP orders wine for the table then it does give a bit more control.

A think this is the main thing, income. My ex would pay a £2k dinner bill for our kids 18th and not flinch. I’d be counting the pennies and working out if I could live on gruel for the next couple of months.

This. Dont want to appear tight - then don’t be…

This…. Other people may also feel
that their money is best spent elsewhere.

Personally as long as your upfront and aren’t going somewhere daftly expensive I wouldn’t have an issue.

We took 20 people out for my steps sons 21st. We paid. We also paid when 18 of us went out to celebrate my 40th. When we went to my MIL’s 80th her husband paid. I think you need to pay or do something within your budget.

Why don’t you look at the menu and tot up an estimate of what the total bill, if you were footing it, could come to and work out your decision from there.

How does you invite you pay work? Is this where we get freeloaders assuming they’ve been invited so should be paid for come from?

Anyone remember the woman who invited a child to a ballpark and the mum got pissed off as she was expected to pay for herself? She was called all sorts!

What happen when one person doesn’t return the favour of inviting others?

Surely if you all pay for yourselves then it’s even and invites are more likely?

People pay for their own food, and you pay for the drinks as a compromise? That's a compromise, although alcohol can be just as expensive as food.

We pay for ourselves in my family now. I used to pay the full bill but obviously eating out costs a lot more now. One time I paid half and everyone else paid the rest between them. After that year we just paid for the kids. If we get a takeaway then I pay for that. One of my sisters said once it’s cheaper to get a takeaway 😂😂😂When it’s me that’s paying the full sack not for me it isn’t.

it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere This really bugs me, you either want your family there and value their company and pay or you do something else. Spending on an occasion is worthwhile if you value it and the memory. Or ask them to pay and feel tight. But there cannot be that many people if it's ballpark £500 as dinner per head is at least £40 minus drinks.

Just had this exact thing with DD's birthday. I sent a message saying "We are going to X for DD's birthday, you are all welcome to join us either for a meal or just a drink. Unfortunately, I can't cover everyone's bill so it would be a case of us all paying for ourselves. Let me know if you can make it so I can book a table, hopefully see you soon!". No one took offence and the only ones not coming are those that can't, due to work/distance etc.

You can't invite them and then expect them to pay. If you can't afford it, then don't ask them.
If you invite them and can't afford a restaurant, then invite them to your house, and cook lasagnes and salads type food and eat there.

For friends/adults birthdays we've all just paid our own way but I think if I was asking everyone to come out to celebrate my child's birthday id expect to pay - I don't really know why!

But that said, for an 18 year old to want to do a family thing in the first place I'd assume you're close and that they'd want to be there, so I'd rather tell them that I can't pay than not do it at all.

I think a birthday/anniversary etc is slightly different from a "let's get together" invitation.

To build on your example, if my dc were invited to a party at a venue, I'd expect the host to be paying. If I tacked myself on, I'd expect to pay for me but not the invited dc. But if I was invited to a play date, I'd assume we were all paying for ourselves, as it was not an "in honour of x" occasion, just a play date.

I wouldn’t ask people to go out to v
celebrate a birthday and expect them to pay. If you can’t pay then keep it to close family only or have a party at your house. It’s a great time of year to have a birthday as you can have a bbq etc out the garden which is a lot cheaper.

What if your relatives,who you invited can't afford it ?
Money is tight these days for everyone..they might not be able to come ,when they want to .
Personally
If I couldn't afford to pay for everyone ,I'd do the whole family meal at home as a buffet on a different day ,to celebrate
And just immediate family you can afford to pay for ,for the meal out.
That way everyone gets to celebrate,and none gets left out because they can't afford a meal in a restaurant

I think it’s fine unless you are a family that would usually pay for everyone? If we eat out as extended family my mum often puts a bit extra in and tells us to split the remainder bill usually saving about a third of everyone else’s bill so could you do something like that?

This really bugs me, you either want your family there and value their company and pay or you do something else.

If you value your family, and you want to go - they pay for yourself

Some-else footing the bill doesn’t mean they value your company - what it like being paid per view?