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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

507 replies

ThePeachLemur · 31/05/2026 16:51

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

OP posts:
Indianajet · 31/05/2026 17:25

At family .meals everyone pays for their own, even for birthday celebrations. We are a big family and the cost would be prohibitive otherwise.

WimpoleHat · 31/05/2026 17:26

They invite you to celebrate with them, fine not to go if you either don’t want to or can’t afford it

That’s my point, though. For a celebration, it almost certainly isn’t seen as “fine” if you don’t want to. Look at the myriad threads about weddings on here when people are put under huge pressure to attend. Saying “no thanks” to a nephew/grandson/brother/cousin’s 18th is likely to cause a lot of upset or resentment in a family. That’s why I think it’s a different kettle of fish from “anyone fancy trying the King’s Arms for lunch on Sunday” where everyone pays for their own.

kombuchabucha · 31/05/2026 17:27

ThePeachLemur · 31/05/2026 16:51

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

I grew up with a big extended family - when we went out for celebratory meals together each sub-family would pay for their own, and we'd pay for what we ordered rather than splitting evenly per head, especially when my older cousins started having children and so their kids were only having kids meals. It was normal in our family.

Your husband's family obviously have a different system though, which is fair enough. He can pay for his family if he wants to... But agree with what others are saying, that a home party/BBQ (or if you don't have the room at home hire a cheap local village hall/sports clubhouse) and putting on some food and some drinks (in the assumption people will bring their own too) would be better. You could get drinks from Majestic as they let you return up to a certain percentage of what you buy if it's unopened and do glass hire.

Appreciate that I a lot more effort though! Tell your husband he has to clean the house (or pay for a cleaner) before and after too if you have it at home. See how he feels about asking his family to pay then...

thor25 · 31/05/2026 17:27

I think this is absolutely fine if it’s really clear! We often do this in my family as we like to see everyone but don’t want to pay for second cousins we only see on birthdays etc.

id just say:
”hi x, we’re having a meal at Y restaurant for DS’s 18th on (whenever) and he’d love for you to come! Everyone is paying for their own meals but we’ll get a few bottles of bubbly for the table to celebrate. Please let me know if you can make it!”

then if things are also tight for them it’s easy to say sorry we’re busy, and it’s obvious what expectations are

reluctantbrit · 31/05/2026 17:27

differentstrokesfordifferentfolks · 31/05/2026 16:55

I wouldn’t. If I couldn’t afford to pay for everyone, I’d have a party at home.

This. A "normal" birthday yes, I could imagine people paying for themselves but for an 18th birthday - that's either I pay or I do it at home.

If you don't want that then please say it openly that you only pay for a drink to celebrate and will bring a cake for dessert (obviously check with the venue first).

Malasana · 31/05/2026 17:27

I think if you say “we are going for a meal on Saturday to celebrate son’s birthday. Would come along?” That would imply you aren’t paying for everyone.
I think though that it would be nice of you to buy a couple of bottles of fizz - or how ever many is needed - to toast him.

AD1509 · 31/05/2026 17:28

I think it really depends on the dynamic. If you invite relatives that are younger (teens/20s) or you know who are struggling financially themselves then I think it’s rude to expect them to pay. If you are inviting super wealthy uncle Joe- then I wouldn’t necessarily expect to pay for him myself. We have a variety in our wider family and usually we would expect to cover the cost ourselves - but “uncle Joe” and others would chip in generously if not try to pick up the tab themselves. We are very in the middle of the family wealth tree.

Superhansrantowindsor · 31/05/2026 17:29

It’s quite normal among my friends and family that we would pay for our own.
when it was DD’s 21st we were honest with people. We said we couldn’t afford to pay for everyone but would put £20 pp towards the meal and we understood if they didn’t want to come. Just talk to people and be honest.

Somersetbaker · 31/05/2026 17:29

HE wants to go to a restaurant, YOU want to invite the wider family. In reality he'd rather go out with his mates.

Lomonald · 31/05/2026 17:30

I think you can word it so people pay their own say something like we are going to x for some dinner would anybody like to come i can book it for you ? Although saying that if it was my Dc birthday I would pay.

Tooobvious · 31/05/2026 17:30

Go out for a meal just with immediate family, and also host a more informal occasion e.g. bbq at your home for wider family. They wouldn’t get much chance to talk to DS while seated in a restaurant anyway.

TeaAndCake27 · 31/05/2026 17:30

I think it’s fine to expect people to pay for themselves but then you also have to accept, with genuine understanding and good heartedness, that they may not want to come. I would never expect someone to fork out on my behalf if they couldn’t afford it / didn’t want to.

I would word it along the lines of “We’re taking DS out for his birthday. We’d love you to join but it’s an expensive night out and so completely understand if you’d prefer to sit this one out.”

Familyandmore · 31/05/2026 17:30

Superhansrantowindsor · 31/05/2026 17:29

It’s quite normal among my friends and family that we would pay for our own.
when it was DD’s 21st we were honest with people. We said we couldn’t afford to pay for everyone but would put £20 pp towards the meal and we understood if they didn’t want to come. Just talk to people and be honest.

This sounds like a reasonable compromise.

BettyyB00 · 31/05/2026 17:31

differentstrokesfordifferentfolks · 31/05/2026 16:55

I wouldn’t. If I couldn’t afford to pay for everyone, I’d have a party at home.

Same. It would quietly taint the occasion.

Magsbd · 31/05/2026 17:32

You’re inviting people to a celebration so you should pay for the meal.

Ponoka7 · 31/05/2026 17:32

Normally we'd ask what are they/you doing for your birthday and the answer is, we are all going out to x restaurant, if you want to join us, you can, we'd go and expect to pay for our own food. I don't know anyone who'd expect to be paid for under those circumstances.
@PeopleWatching17 you'd word it that you are all joining up/getting together to celebrate the birthday and do they want to go? If you've got a place in mind, you'd say it and say it, or if on WA, send the menu over, to see if they are interested in going. When we celebrated my DN's birthday, because there were so many of us, we had to choose before we went.

MN2025 · 31/05/2026 17:32

ThePeachLemur · 31/05/2026 16:51

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

Can you not have a meal restaurant with close close family perhaps and then have a BBQ for extended family?
this will be cheaper of course - more work - and you can tell people to bring their own drink….

HoskinsChoice · 31/05/2026 17:32

Miranda65 · 31/05/2026 17:25

This is just about good manners, so if you invite them then of course you pay. Your husband is right to be embarrassed to make them pay.

If you can't afford it, that's fine, jyst don'task them - and how many 18 year olds want dinner with all the rellies anyway?

It's not about good manners at all! I'm going to guess you don't go out very often. If it's the norm to go out regularly with family then it's the norm to split the bill.

I suspect the divide across this subject is that for those that see going out for a meal together as a big deal, it is maybe slightly different? If whoever suggested a meal amongst my friends and family always paid, it would be chaos as we go out probably once a week or more.

Ohgoose · 31/05/2026 17:33

I have never ever expected someone else to pay for a meal for me unless it was explicit ‘we’d like to take everyone out for dinner’. I’ve had a few birthday dinners so far this year and always paid for my own food and drinks.

I think it’s weird that people expect this.

Just message that we’re going here on this date and we’d love you to join if you can.
If there’s a set group menu that’s easier as you can say it’s £25 per person. Let me know if you can make it.

boredwfh · 31/05/2026 17:33

We’ve always paid for our own food when going out for bday meals with friends or family. Never expected anyone else to pay. Been the same through my whole life and my friends would say the same. Very unusual to expect the host to pay I’d say.

BunnyLake · 31/05/2026 17:33

It’s a difficult one because there’s no ‘rule’ as such when inviting people to a milestone birthday celebration. If it was my niece’s 18th I’d expect to pay my own way because her family don’t have much money. If it was one of my kids their dad, even though we are no longer together but he’d be there, would pay for everyone because he’s got plenty of money and would do it automatically.

eatreadsleeprepeat · 31/05/2026 17:33

I think with the way prices have risen you would be quite reasonable to get in touch with the extended family and say
DS has decided that he would like to go to xxx for his birthday. He would love to have as many of the family as can make it there. Let me know how many are coming so we can book the table. Drinks will be on us but not food.

LadyLooo · 31/05/2026 17:34

No I wouldn't.

Especially as they'll feel obliged to spend out on an 18th birthday present too.

CoconutGroove · 31/05/2026 17:35

If I was invited out for an ordinary meal with family or friends then I’d expect to pay for myself but if I was asked along to be part of a celebration then I’d expect it was paid for by whoever was asking as I’d have no say over the place it was being held and the menu offered. If you choose to have a celebration and want others there to celebrate with you then you have what you can afford, not organise something and then expect others to cover the cost.

Thingcanonlygetbetter · 31/05/2026 17:35

differentstrokesfordifferentfolks · 31/05/2026 16:55

I wouldn’t. If I couldn’t afford to pay for everyone, I’d have a party at home.

I am the same couldn’t do it, if invite you I am paying.