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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

507 replies

ThePeachLemur · 31/05/2026 16:51

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

OP posts:
SunnyRedSnail · 31/05/2026 18:12

ThePeachLemur · 31/05/2026 16:51

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

Have a meal at home and hire a catering company or takeaway from a local restaurant. You can then provide drinks which will be much cheaper than a restaurant.

Or... you just suck up the cost. He is only 18 once and it's really nice he wants to do something with family. Why not pay for food and get people to pay for their own drinks? Or choose a restaurant with a set menu for a fixed price so you know how much it will cost.

DemBonesDemBones · 31/05/2026 18:14

We ARE skint and saved and saved to have a big meal with friends and family for my Daughter’s 18th. I probably wouldn’t mind asking for a not so ‘special’ birthday, but we wanted to spoil her and thank everyone that came for helping us get her to adulthood!

notantordec · 31/05/2026 18:14

You can’t ask them to pay. You invite you pay

RoMe1prom90 · 31/05/2026 18:15

If it's a special celebration, I would expect the guests to pay for themselves and treat the birthday person.

Liberancho · 31/05/2026 18:16

ACR7 · 31/05/2026 17:20

It’s actually blowing my mind that grown adults expect to have a meal paid for them just because they’ve been invited to a birthday meal. It wouldn’t occur to me that someone was going to pick up my tab. They invite you to celebrate with them, fine not to go if you either don’t want to or can’t afford it but why would they pay for everyone? There is of course times when you want to treat or someone does pick up the whole bill but it’s not expected every time surely

Edited

You mind must be easily blown then. When I send an invite, I am paying.

I don't know anyone in my family or friendship circles who would invite someone to a restaurant to celebrate themselves, or their loves one, and present the attendees with a bill for their meal.

The whole point of an invitation is inviting, not then expecting them to stump up money. There is such an odd interpretation of things on MN sometimes.

PurpleThistle7 · 31/05/2026 18:22

I think if it’s pay your own way you shouldn’t expect gifts. It’s more of a meet up than a party. If you say it the right way I don’t see an issue.

Pandimoanymum · 31/05/2026 18:26

I don't feel I could expect people to pay for their own meal, if I'm the one inviting them. After all, it's not their choice of restaurant, it may be somewhere they wouldn't choose to go and spend their money normally.
I think if going to this restaurant is non-negotiable then I'd drop the idea of inviting wider family, and just take (and pay for) close family. If you want a celebration with wider family then maybe have a separate get-together at home on a different day?

JayJayj · 31/05/2026 18:26

We always go out for meals for nieces and nephews birthdays. Not once have we ever thought we wouldn’t be paying for our own food.

Wdutua · 31/05/2026 18:28

MH had a significant birthday, I sent invitations to family/friends for a lunch and said they could choose what they wanted from the menu and pay for their drinks and menu choice from the bar! At no time was my/our contribution mentioned. So those that came really wanted to celebrate the occasion with him.

The bill came within our budget so everyone had a good time but didn't have to pay anything towards the celebration!

lornad00m · 31/05/2026 18:29

You could tell people you're celebrating with a meal out. You'd be delighted if they joined you. But given it's an expensive restaurant they'd have to pay their way as you just couldn't afford to pay for everyone.

Whatwouldnanado · 31/05/2026 18:29

He’s 18 once. Pay up and have fun.

NevergonnagiveHughup · 31/05/2026 18:29

Gosh you are very tight, and lacking
any class.

You invite people for a celebration meal - you pay. Anyone saying it’s ok not to is BU!

TheSmallAssassin · 31/05/2026 18:30

differentstrokesfordifferentfolks · 31/05/2026 18:11

I am late 40s. I’ve also been to lots of celebrations and I have never been expected to pay. I’ve also invited a lot of people to a lot of events and I’ve always paid. Huh, would you look at that…..people do things differently??

Show quote history

Yeah, well exactly, that's why I don't understand why people seem to think it's a rule that "you pay if you invite", it obviously varies a lot.

NevergonnagiveHughup · 31/05/2026 18:31

TheSmallAssassin · 31/05/2026 18:30

Yeah, well exactly, that's why I don't understand why people seem to think it's a rule that "you pay if you invite", it obviously varies a lot.

Show quote history

There’s probably a clue in the action.

”I’m inviting you….”

puglover93 · 31/05/2026 18:31

I always assumed it was normal for me to just pay for myself/my kids etc, never heard of the inviter being expected to pay before! Xx

tipsyraven · 31/05/2026 18:32

I would be happy to pay for myself. I think you have to be very clear at the outset though.

Sobriety78 · 31/05/2026 18:33

There were 24 friends and family came for my sons 18th birthday meal and we paid only for our household. It was never even thought of to pay for everyone, and as far as I know nobody expected us to. Every family celebration meal we've ever been to each nuclear family has paid for themselves.

thesealion · 31/05/2026 18:34

tilypu · 31/05/2026 16:58

You are likely to get a very mixed response here.

I would never expect someone else to pay for a restaurant meal for me, no matter why we were there. I would expect to either go Dutch (aka pay for what i ordered) or for the cost to be split evenly between the people there.

The problem is how you make that known. If it's a set menu it's easier ('the menu is £x per person').

This. Never in my entire life have I been invited to a birthday (or any other occasion) meal that was paid for. I’d always expect to pay for myself or even chip in to cover the person whose birthday it is.

ErickBroch · 31/05/2026 18:34

These threads are so wild to me. Never in my friend or family circle, with friends made in UK and abroad, have I been invited to a group dinner where we wouldn’t just pay for ourselves!

Coconutter24 · 31/05/2026 18:35

I wouldn’t invite people to a special birthday dinner and then ask them to pay. If I couldn’t afford it I would take DS and whoever else lives in the household to the restaurant he would like and then do a little party at home for the wider family

Kinfluencer · 31/05/2026 18:36

differentstrokesfordifferentfolks · 31/05/2026 17:16

How on earth does organising a party, inviting other people and then paying for said party make someone a “freeloader”?
OP didn’t ask if she should pay when invited to SOMEONE ELSE’S party, she asked if she should pay when inviting others. Important distinction.

Show quote history

Agree
Its cringeworthy hosting an event like an 18th and expecting people to pay for their own.
Appalling lack of manners
Meal in a pub, everyone agrees for a friends birthday is different , an event 18th, 30th, 40th etc
If you invite/ host then you pay
The current trend for not feeding people at weddings/ parties is also grim

If you cant afford it dont invite

aCatCalledFawkes · 31/05/2026 18:36

I mean it's nice if you can but also we had a and early 19th birthday party in the garden for my daughter who leaves for camp america in 10 days and it really didn't cost over £500. I feel like there are other solutions regardless of what he wants.

Kinfluencer · 31/05/2026 18:37

ErickBroch · 31/05/2026 18:34

These threads are so wild to me. Never in my friend or family circle, with friends made in UK and abroad, have I been invited to a group dinner where we wouldn’t just pay for ourselves!

Its not a group dinner, its an 18th birthday celebration

usernames98751 · 31/05/2026 18:37

I would write on the invitation no gifts.

youalright · 31/05/2026 18:37

We always pay for our own stuff when we go out I'm not buying a meal for 20 people and I wouldn't expect anyone else to. In our family its just the norm that you pay for your own but if its not in your family definitely say something i think most people would be fine with it.