AIBU to feel overlooked while everyone else comes first financially?

[centsandcentsilbilty]

Will try to keep a long story short but no promises!

I have been married to a really great guy for over 20 years, have 3 children who are almost grown now.
I have mostly been a SAHM by mutual choice , something I am extremely grateful for having been able to do and have the support of my husband to do. We are comfortable but not rolling in it and I have always known I would have to make some sacrifices to allow my staying at home.
I work part time now, but don’t bring in enough money to make any meaningful contributions to the household, more like it allows for a few treats here and there.

For the past few years I have been feeling like I am ‘seen’ less and less, losing myself.
I realised when we go on a shopping trip ( we live in a smaller town so trips to the city are always a side quest to the shops) that I rarely get anything. We go to the men’s department and even though it is mentioned that I should look too, we always seem to gloss over any areas I might be interested in.
Recently I was shopping and did see something but mentioned that it wasn’t in the sale, so we moved on the the sale section where I didn’t like anything, meanwhile hubby is buying full price designer gear, when his wardrobe is full of nice clothes some still with tags.
I have also lost quite a bit of weight in the last year, but wearing the same clothes, so feeling crappy rather than good about it!
think I’ll fitting bras and jeans being held up with a belt because they are 4-5 sizes too big!
I would love to get my haircut but don’t feel confident enough to spend the money, even though it’s just a basic cut, haven’t coloured it in years and when I did it was box dye that O felt guilty about buying.
As time goes on I am feeling like I need to shrink myself more and more
I buy the bare minimum for myself do that my husband and children can have things but they don’t notice or care. It hurts that I seem to now just be someone who cooks and cleans but my appearance and confidence don’t seem to matter.
I have brought it up, to which my husband will say that it shouldn’t be that way etc but nothing actually changes.

writing it down, it sounds ridiculous, but that’s where I’ve found myself and my self worth and confidence are telling me that it’s what I deserve.
I do love my husband and he is loving and caring in so many ways, he just seems blind to this, when I ask him how an outfit looks in the morning he says I look nice, but when I look in the mirror I see a sad sack of potatoes
but carry on as I’m told that that’s fine!
it’s hard when he’s walking out looking sharp for work!
aibu to feel this way?

Does your husband stop you buying things for yourself or is it you?

I am in a similar situation to you in that I was a SAHM and then went into lower paying jobs. From the word go, it was our money, whoever brought it in. Money goes into a joint account and I spend as needed.

I’ve never gone mad on clothes, I’m not that interested, but I buy what I need.

So, just go into town and buy whatever you need. Or get stuff online if going into the city is an issue.

So I think you need a shopping trip away from your husband. As the kids are older, could you book a hotel away in a city? Then you could have a hair cut and style, and book a personal stylist in a department store for the afternoon to spend the day exploring clothes with a commitment that you will come away with 5 items. Maybe that's a new outfit of trousers, top and shoes, a well fitting bra and maybe a snazzy overcoat.

I wondered about this too. Don’t you socialise as a couple? Go to family meals, get togethers etc? What do you wear when you’re out ‘dressed’?

Op, do you drive?

I absolutely don’t want people to slag off my husband! That’s why I started by saying he is lovely!
you don’t have to believe what I have written, to be honest I wrote on here to make it real to myself how I feel knowing full well that Mumsnet would do its thing and put me firmly in my place, which is obviously what I need.

this hasn’t been an overnight decision on my behalf to become a martyr and be a shitty wife and mother as some believe. My confidence and self esteem have slowly been eroded away to a point where I have hit rock bottom and came on here for some advice. I thought that losing weight would help my confidence, so worked very hard at it, and was quite brutal with myself to get there, only to find it didn’t fix anything, I seem to have carried a lot of the denying myself of food over to other areas too.

I understand that is 100% a me problem and that I’m not only making myself feel crap but probably ( actually most certainly) my husband too! So yeah to me another thing for me to feel crap about!
I have had a chat to DH and told him all about the responses on here. I will try my best to change my opinion of myself, and take on board all the lovely support suggestions people have given.

I’m going to leave this thread now as I’m not sure how much more there is to be gained from it. Sorry I haven’t responded to everyone it was a lot.

You're a SAHM but your "children" are adults (or near enough) OP? Forgive me if that's not correct.

OP said the kids are nearly grown but she works part time now and doesn’t earn a significant amount.

I work part time now, but don’t bring in enough money to make any meaningful contributions to the household, more like it allows for a few treats here and there

It is this influencing you though I think. Because your dad was controlling you are waiting for permission from your DH to spend money on yourself.

But your DH is not at all controlling so quite rightly does not see it his place at all to give any kind of permission.

I’ve also lost lots of weight recently and it does leave you feeling a bit lost in this new body - before I wore what fit as that was the only option, so to find your style is hard.

Tell your DH all of this, he sounds lovely and will help I am sure.

It’s not correct, she’s no longer a SAHM, she works part time.

Thai isn't about the money, this is you putting yourself last.

I actually earn slightly more than my DH. We both work full time.

We go on holiday soon so ih past few weeks he's spent about £400 on himself. £300 between the kids and I've spent nothing on me as I'll manage with last year's clothes. This is a me problem.

You have a you problem. Book the hair appointment, order the item you liked and buy some jeans that actually fit.

@TotalBaloney Ah I see. Well she should absolutely be using her money to treat herself! ❤️

This is awful, he should be seeing you. He should be saying that you deserve a treat. He should see that you’ve lost weight and need, not want, new clothes. I don’t care what anyone else says, he should see it.

No one said he doesn't She chooses not to buy them. She's an adult , what does she need telling her clothes don't fit

I think you should consider therapy as a matter of urgency op. Work on your parents’ feelings about money and your low self esteem. ASAP

Book a personal stylist appointment at John Lewis so someone can guide you with what suits you.

If you’ve got a bank card use it. Sounds like you’re being a martyr

Get yourself a shopping trip. Capsule wardrobe and hair done...if hubby fancies you more, he will notice you more

Not the A//H. Add up what you have saved your husband over the years in childcare, laundrette use, ironing services etc etc. You shouldn’t have to beg for anything…you’re quite entitled to new things too.

You are worth just as much as your husband and children. If you think you aren't then they will also start to think you aren't.

After significant weight loss, you need an entire new wardrobe. It does not have to be designer clothes- though if your husband is buying designer clothes, he can hardly object to you doing the same.

You see I feel differently about this to a lot. I've always felt that if I want nice things it's important to go out and work for them, not expect anyone to buy me things.

You have joint finances. A great excuse for new clothes is if you've lost weight and nothing fits anymore. You don't need an excuse but as your self confidence is rock bottom, this can be your starting point. I bet your husband will love the new you, all stylish and smiling.

I have felt like that sometimes because for years I wasn’t earning .
That wasn’t really a choice , it was because of family circumstances which I won’t go into .
Anyhow husband so often referred to money as “ his “ money and would buy large purchases without consulting me .
So I lost a lot of confidence.
Anyway after years of feeling like I shouldn’t spend more than the bare minimum on myself I have some regular money of my own .
It isn’t much £ but I do update my casual wardrobe of clothes with high street brand every once in a while and I don’t wear clothes that are several sizes too big or shabby / bobbly ( although I hang onto some things for doing dirty house chores )
I also book hair cut and colour every 2 months and buy mid price skincare / makeup .
Go shopping together but you wander off to the women’s dept and meet later for coffee

@Curryingfavour Fair play to you for returning to earning and spending it on you 👏

It's not up to him to change it. He can't get your hair done or buy you new clothes. .Just do it