AIBU to feel overlooked while everyone else comes first financially?

[centsandcentsilbilty]

Will try to keep a long story short but no promises!

I have been married to a really great guy for over 20 years, have 3 children who are almost grown now.
I have mostly been a SAHM by mutual choice , something I am extremely grateful for having been able to do and have the support of my husband to do. We are comfortable but not rolling in it and I have always known I would have to make some sacrifices to allow my staying at home.
I work part time now, but don’t bring in enough money to make any meaningful contributions to the household, more like it allows for a few treats here and there.

For the past few years I have been feeling like I am ‘seen’ less and less, losing myself.
I realised when we go on a shopping trip ( we live in a smaller town so trips to the city are always a side quest to the shops) that I rarely get anything. We go to the men’s department and even though it is mentioned that I should look too, we always seem to gloss over any areas I might be interested in.
Recently I was shopping and did see something but mentioned that it wasn’t in the sale, so we moved on the the sale section where I didn’t like anything, meanwhile hubby is buying full price designer gear, when his wardrobe is full of nice clothes some still with tags.
I have also lost quite a bit of weight in the last year, but wearing the same clothes, so feeling crappy rather than good about it!
think I’ll fitting bras and jeans being held up with a belt because they are 4-5 sizes too big!
I would love to get my haircut but don’t feel confident enough to spend the money, even though it’s just a basic cut, haven’t coloured it in years and when I did it was box dye that O felt guilty about buying.
As time goes on I am feeling like I need to shrink myself more and more
I buy the bare minimum for myself do that my husband and children can have things but they don’t notice or care. It hurts that I seem to now just be someone who cooks and cleans but my appearance and confidence don’t seem to matter.
I have brought it up, to which my husband will say that it shouldn’t be that way etc but nothing actually changes.

writing it down, it sounds ridiculous, but that’s where I’ve found myself and my self worth and confidence are telling me that it’s what I deserve.
I do love my husband and he is loving and caring in so many ways, he just seems blind to this, when I ask him how an outfit looks in the morning he says I look nice, but when I look in the mirror I see a sad sack of potatoes
but carry on as I’m told that that’s fine!
it’s hard when he’s walking out looking sharp for work!
aibu to feel this way?

Don’t tell him what you are doing, he already said to do it just do it already!

I think women being SAHMs long term in this financial climate with all the uncertainty is a mistake. I totally get wanting to be home with babies & toddlers but do it beyond that you are putting yourself at risk. I’m very risk adverse & that isn’t a risk I’d be willing to take.

I am rubbish at spending money on myself sometimes.
I actually don't think it's about how much you earn. It's a frame of mind.
I think if I was earning an extremely high salary, I would still procrastinate over spending on myself as there would always be something that the family would need more
My husband always encourages me to get something for myself. Last Christmas he got me vouchers for a brand I like which was useful - I had to spend them there. I bought a lovely denim dress that I have worn loads.

Well that's easy. You've joint accounts for a reason. You don't need permission. Go out by yourself and buy some new clothes. Make an appointment with the hairdresser and get a cut and a colour. Build up your wardrobe slowly, maybe buy one outfit a month. As you start to feel better your confidence will grow.

I am very similar to you in that I don’t treat myself enough! It’s not your hubby’s fault as it doesn’t sound like he is stopping you from buying nice things for yourself. You need to value your role as a SAHM and realise your contribution to the family. Start treating yourself !

When I became a SAHP I had our joint account card and credit card for shopping etc. I fell into a bit of a rut where I didn’t feel like I should be spending the money too often on myself and I was lengthening out hair appointments etc. We had a discussion about it and decided to send a set amount every month to my own bank account and I budget everything that is “mine” from that. So beauty appointments, clothes, days out or activities with my friends, my gym membership came from there. Things like phone bills, days out with the children, anything household related, gifts and so forth come from the house account.

it just made everything cleaner and it felt like it was mine to do with for me. Might be worth trying that

You have joint accounts, so how about having a look back over the past 12 months and see what he’s spent on haircuts, clothes, aftershave, and compare to what (if anything) you’ve spent on similar. You deserve to match his spends so think about how you might do this.

With changes to your figure, you might want to post on the style and beauty board first to get some ideas, and maybe shop online. It sounds like he knows what suits him so can go straight to the rails, whereas I think you might need to take some more time trying different things.

DP is like this and it's utterly infuriating.

I've always worked full time while DP works part time. Initially because she wanted to be able to spend the time with DD, and now because she has a chronic illness.

As a result I earn vastly more money than her, but it's all our money. It always has been. But she really struggles with idea of spending it.

She doesn't sound as bad as you @centsandcentsilbilty , but she'll see something nice, want it, and then say "Oh I can't afford it" and I have to reply "Yes we can". I'd get it if we were short of money, but we're not. And there's only so often I can tell her that it's Ok to spend money on herself.

Your husband isn't the problem OP, you are. He's not stopping you from buying anything, he's not holding the purse strings, in fact he's actively encouraging you to spend money on yourself. The only person stopping you from doing it is you. No he's not going to stride over to the women's section and just stand there while you timidly contemplate the idea of buying something, because who on earth does that? If you want some clothes, then go look at some clothes, and then buy them!

@centsandcentsilbilty , what are you afraid will happen if you go to a store and spend money on clothing that fits?

Your husband is not your controlling dad.

Expecting your husband to take your hand and shop for your clothing is not reasonable. You're an adult. You know how to shop for clothing, you've done it for your kids. You go along with your husband while he buys designer clothes with you dressed like you just got out of prison.

Do you realize you're modeling this for your kids? That a SAHM only gets the leftovers after tending others? That it's ok to wear clothes that are falling off they fit so poorly? Your children and your husband see you dressed in clothes many sizes too large and say nothing because you've normalized this for them.

You want your husband to see you dressed so shabbily and fix this for you and that's really not healthy, it's learned helplessness and codependency.

Please stop being such a mouse!
Buy yourself some clothes! You have the money, your husband isn’t saying you can’t have stuff. It’s a joint account go out on your own and buy yourself some clothes or tell your husband I need new jeans, new tops, new boots and shoes, and that’s what we need to look for when we go out next, he will probably say great, let’s do it

of course there us something else going on. She said upthread that her father was financially abusing her and her mother and that money, miney spent on them, and perhaps even attention were things that were controlled by him and very frightening for her to transgress. She needs to speak honestly to her dh and a therapist—maybe do specifically CBT fix this—and treat it like a phobia or a specific anxiety.

OP: do the work and free yourself from this miserable life of self negation.

Also: much respect if course to outerspace potato whose advice is always goid.

I really agree with the advice to do CBT here. Think about it.

You seem to be creating your own problem.

Are you really wearing clothes 5 sizes to big? So for example you’re a ten and wearing a 20? Or a 14 and wearing a 24? As that’s utterly wild.

I‘m sorry you feel like this. Is it learned behaviour from your Mum? I voted YABU because I think you need to stand up for yourself and I‘m sure your husband isn’t overlooking your needs because he doesn’t want you to have nice things but maybe because you don’t actually show any impetus on wanting the status quo to change. Be brave woman and book that haircut and colour, take a day to trawl through a nice shopping centre by yourself or get an appointment with John Lewis to buy yourself a new wardrobe.

You do paint yourself as a dreadful martyr.

Just tell him you need to buy new clothes. Order a load online if shopping in person is difficult.

You seem to have parentified your husband.

This isn't your husband's fault OP. You are the one saying it needs to change but not changing anything. Start small with a haircut and a new pair of jeans.

Just start somewhere!
Have you a friend who can help- recommend a hairdresser or clothes? Then go somewhere where you can try underwear on and start with that. Ill fitting underwear will cause potential back pain and all sorts of problems.
Just do it for you.
And please for goodness sake stop moaning that you do not feel valued, if you do not show yourself some respect and value why would anyone else?
When you know what size you are order some stuff online.
It does not need to be designer, it does not need to be expensive, it just needs to fit and make you feel good.
Your attitude is frustrating to read. This is something you can easily do something about.

I was like this for ever OP, I felt that my DP somehow needed to make me know that I 'deserved ' clothing.
He didn't of course because he didn't know how it felt, how I felt. That was on me. And yes, childhood, upbringing etc.
I now have a couple of dresses, a jacket, bag and sandles that make me feel pretty and happy when I wear them. It's so worth it OP, get yourself to the shops asap x

Her kids are adults! And even if they weren't, most families manage with both parents working. It's perfectly feasible. Staying at home to look after children and the house is a choice not to work. I wouldn't fund a spouse that doesn't work for any reason but certainly not when there aren't even any kids at home to look after!

Her kids are adults! And even if they weren't, most families manage with both parents working. It's perfectly feasible. Staying at home to look after children and the house is a choice not to work. I wouldn't fund a spouse that doesn't work for any reason but certainly when there aren't even any kids at home to look after!

I think you’re putting too much blame for this on your DH. I can’t think of many men who would accompany their wife to pick out clothes from the rails, he probably would find that boring so gravitates on your shopping trips to what he enjoys - picking out clothes for him! A bit selfish yes, but not a monster. He’s agreed you should spend the money (it’s your money too!) so go shopping by yourself and get this sorted.

This behaviour would piss me right off. Just get a haircut and buy some clothes. You don’t need to discuss every item with your husband.

I do understand it’s a mindset, but sometimes people need a kick up the arse to do better for themselves.

DH has always earned more than me (city salary vs teacher’s salary) and I was also a SAHM in the preschool years so earned nothing. It has never been an issue because of the way we organise our finances.

Whatever is earned goes into one main account for mortgage, bills etc and then a set amount of money goes from that account each month into two individual accounts for spending money. So it doesn’t matter who earns what, it’s all joint money and there’s equality in how much money is available to us each month. I would highly recommend it.

But also you do need to take your DH at his word and go and buy some flipping clothes! Stop waiting for him to make a big fuss and put the clothes into your hands and tell you over and over that it’s ok because he doesn’t know that’s what you’re looking for. He’s said ‘let’s look for things for you’ so tell him which shops you want to look in and then walk into those shops and select some clothes without second guessing everything. Then you need to trust your own judgement and buy what you like…none of this ‘he wasn’t as enthusiastic as I’d have liked when I tried it on so I didn’t get it.’ - if you like it, buy it!

I agree with your op where you talk about your self worth and confidence . It's this you need to work on.
You don't need your husband to change things or to insist that you buy some new clothes when yours don't fit. You're an adult woman who has raised three children.

Take yourself shopping.

This is absolutely a "you" problem. DH is doing nothing wrong.

If you want new clothes ...buy them. If you don't buy them...stop moaning.