AIBU to feel overlooked while everyone else comes first financially?

[centsandcentsilbilty]

Will try to keep a long story short but no promises!

I have been married to a really great guy for over 20 years, have 3 children who are almost grown now.
I have mostly been a SAHM by mutual choice , something I am extremely grateful for having been able to do and have the support of my husband to do. We are comfortable but not rolling in it and I have always known I would have to make some sacrifices to allow my staying at home.
I work part time now, but don’t bring in enough money to make any meaningful contributions to the household, more like it allows for a few treats here and there.

For the past few years I have been feeling like I am ‘seen’ less and less, losing myself.
I realised when we go on a shopping trip ( we live in a smaller town so trips to the city are always a side quest to the shops) that I rarely get anything. We go to the men’s department and even though it is mentioned that I should look too, we always seem to gloss over any areas I might be interested in.
Recently I was shopping and did see something but mentioned that it wasn’t in the sale, so we moved on the the sale section where I didn’t like anything, meanwhile hubby is buying full price designer gear, when his wardrobe is full of nice clothes some still with tags.
I have also lost quite a bit of weight in the last year, but wearing the same clothes, so feeling crappy rather than good about it!
think I’ll fitting bras and jeans being held up with a belt because they are 4-5 sizes too big!
I would love to get my haircut but don’t feel confident enough to spend the money, even though it’s just a basic cut, haven’t coloured it in years and when I did it was box dye that O felt guilty about buying.
As time goes on I am feeling like I need to shrink myself more and more
I buy the bare minimum for myself do that my husband and children can have things but they don’t notice or care. It hurts that I seem to now just be someone who cooks and cleans but my appearance and confidence don’t seem to matter.
I have brought it up, to which my husband will say that it shouldn’t be that way etc but nothing actually changes.

writing it down, it sounds ridiculous, but that’s where I’ve found myself and my self worth and confidence are telling me that it’s what I deserve.
I do love my husband and he is loving and caring in so many ways, he just seems blind to this, when I ask him how an outfit looks in the morning he says I look nice, but when I look in the mirror I see a sad sack of potatoes
but carry on as I’m told that that’s fine!
it’s hard when he’s walking out looking sharp for work!
aibu to feel this way?

But she’s not in an abusive relationship from what’s posted, she just wants him to do it for her.

OP I have seen many sahms get into this rut. It’s complicated, and due to society, the man but also the sahm. You have got out of the practice of buying for yourself. You feel it’s wasteful and excess cash should be spent on the kids. And your husband earns so he can buy what he wishes for himself. You feel you have to justify spending it in yourself so it’s easier not to. Whilst you could be ‘forced’ to buy something for yourself by your husband, he doesn’t do this extra step. And you stop yourself from speaking up.

Have a chat today. Order a big haul from John Lewis or something and tell him this is what you are doing as you need a big wardrobe overhaul. Don’t overthink it. Just do it and don’t explain or justify. You have to give yourself a kick. This isn’t just on your husband and it’s def not on your teens. Make changes and start today. Much of this is about psychology.

This, I’m also agog at the poster who is encouraging her to desire infantilising and saying it’s his fault as he’s not infantilising her

im concerned though as the op does seem like she wants posters to blame him. She clearly said they go to thr woman’s dept. And then when the responses didn’t go her way changed it to they never do. She’s also clearly stated she wants him to buy her clothes.

encouraging this is no help to her at all.

I find this very strange. I was a SAHM for many years as that was what worked best for our family unit.

I never felt I should be "extremely grateful for having been able to do and have the support of my husband to do." On the contrary I felt that my DH was should be extremely grateful to me for giving up my career so that he could build his (always able to travel or stay late at short notice, no time off required for the children or to sit in for plumbers, etc) and know that his DC and his home were always in the care of someone he could trust. He is. We also felt that our DC were lucky to have Mum always at home and no ad hoc care from strangers or unfamiliar childcare settings or stress between their parents when the childcare fell through.

We too were "comfortable but not rolling in it" but if there were any "sacrifices to be made to allow my staying at home" we would share them.

Unlike many on MN I have never measured my value in terms of the money I earned, rather the contribution (non financial - DH brought in the money, partly enabled to do so by my presence at home) I made to the family, the home, elderly relatives, and the local community (as fitted with the DCs' ages). My DH feels the same.

Our money is mostly in a joint account into which DH's salary is paid. I had a small inheritance at one point which just went into the pot. We have a joint credit card. We both buy what we need or require without reference to the other; it would never enter the mind of either of us to ask the other about paying for a new garment, or a haircut, or even a manicure, and certainly not anything for the DC, but obviously we discuss large expenditure. Any savings were in my name as I didn't pay income tax.

OP, you are worth so much more than what someone in the workplace chooses to pay you. Would your family and your DH really have had a better life over the last years if you were not at home but you had a bit more money? (Probably not much after childcare costs,)

OP as a start go to the style and beauty board if you want some inspiration and suggestions. Shopping is a skill and you are out of habit. Practice makes perfect!

Sounds like a you problem and you're expecting someone to change how you feel about yourself. Your DH isn't preventing you from buying things, you're martyring yourself and expecting your DH to fix that for you.

Seriously! What is going on here, you need to treat yourself. You have lost weight and need yo embrace that. Well done.
I'm sorry but your husband needs to treat you. You are making excuses for him.He gets to buy expensive clothes..... what about you. You are a couple. That's means you put your money together. What f
do you call bringing up kids? That's the hardest job ever. Get your head out of the sales rack and treat yourself and ask your husband why are you not having the full price clothing...

What? Why does he need to treat her and the reason she does not have full price clothing is she chooses not to buy it.

Women in fulfilling, healthy, nurturing respectful relationships generally don’t describe themselves as feeling overlooked, unseen, crappy and needing to shrink themselves.

Men who are not abusive generally do something to ensure their partners are not walking around in trousers that are too big and held up by a belt.

Truly I do not know a single man (my DH, my DB, my BILs, my friends, my friends DPs) who wouldn’t in these circumstances just pick up some clothes as a gift, or in the OPs example of being in a department store together avoid menswear and try and ensure their wife buy something.

I genuinely didn’t realise that such an approach was so unusual 🤷‍♀️

Why should he be embarrassed? He has told her she is free to buy what she needs. It's not his responsibility to do it for her. She's not a child. She's an adult with almost grown children who has her own bank card and access to accounts. If she chooses not to buy the clothes she needs that's her issue and not his.

God OP you've just talked yourself into this situation - it doesn't actually exist outside of your mind.

You don't need to get a full time job in order to be justified in spending money on yourself. You've spent years raising the children and probably done more hours than your DH. You wouldn't say that a nanny didn't have a proper job would you? And you've done far more work than a nanny would have done.

I do understand about wanting permission to do things as I've always sought it out and always hoped that I'd be seen and helped. But then when others have tried to help me, it's been quite a frustrating experience and I've been left thinking that actually I could do a better job taking care of myself. I've realised that I am a capable, intelligent woman who can make her own decisions and makes much better ones than others would make for me. I don't need permission from others. You don't either!!

I spent many, many years with my Mum seeing things she liked in shops and saying to her, “yeah you should get it, it’d suit you!” and her reply was always, “oh, I can’t justify it!” Even in a supermarket where clothes are generally quite cheap. By the time my sister and I were grown and out of the house, I noticed she finally was starting to pick up the odd item for herself. Years later, she will regularly pick things up but I can still see that same internal struggle within her.

She is a middle child and was very much treated as one. Always overlooked, never a priority. Her parents were quite strict and certainly not people who ever splurged on their children (particularly my Mum).

Growing up, our family struggled through the recession and never really had a lot of money. Dad ended up starting his own business when faced with redundancy and it ran at a loss for many years. It was doing well by the time he retired so they are financially comfortable (enough) now.

Mum took absolutely years to get into the mindset that it was ok for her to spend money on herself. It sounds like you need to get into that mindset too. Your husband has said it’s fine to do so - so do it. When you found nothing you wanted in the sale section, you could (and should) have said “there’s nothing here I like, I’ll go back and look at that other dress”. BE ASSERTIVE. Make your needs and wants heard. Tell your husband that you need new clothes due to losing weight and that you need his card to go shopping. Book yourself a bra-fitting appointment and go from
there. If need be, you can agree on a budget first. Perhaps a personal shopper would be helpful to create a capsule wardrobe for you? If you don’t want to go alone, take a friend with you. Someone whose style you admire.

Start putting yourself first! Because it doesn’t sound like anyone else is going to. Good luck!

I’m sorry most posters on this thread don’t seem to understand this, OP.

Here is the therapy you really should spend money on, but probably won't.

my Dad was/is very controlling with money! I remember my mum hiding money from him and telling me to keep it a secret.

I think you're casting your husband in the role of your dad - not consciously, but our unconscious minds have an incredible knack for making new situations fit old stories.

You mum wasn't allowed free choice on how to spend the family money.

"Men punish women for frittering the money, I'm afraid to spend on myself."

Even when he TELLS you to spend money on yourself, you don't believe him.

You've implied that you need him standing next to you, making choices, giving you permission, maybe even taking your new stuff to the till and paying. This would, in effect, prove he's not like your dad. But would your unconscious mind believe it? Would you still be subtly waiting for the punishment?

he will say while having coffee or something let’s look for you, but then will walk straight past and into a men’s shop again.

"Look, look! He doesn't mean it. He says that, but ... there will be punishment."

He's not your dad - and well done, by the way. Most of us manage to marry another version of our fathers, so your unconscious wasn't completely stupid.

You cannot possibly expect DH to find ways to embody your father's worst habits, then perform extended rituals simulating his transformation from a controlling miser to an open and generous partner. That would be an unrealistic, practically insane thing to ask. Yet it's what you seem to desire. It's unfair to DH, no?

As time goes on I am feeling like I need to shrink myself more and more

Congratulations, you've found a way to hide like your mum did.

But you are not married to your dad. You're using inappropriate coping mechanisms: ones that kept your mother safe, but your marriage isn't hers.

Out of interest, do you have a secret personal account, or a cash stash?

Frankly, you do need therapy but - since your husband sounds like a generally well-disposed guy, perhaps you could get him to read through this thread with you and come up with solutions.

Would a defined budget be helpful, for instance? I don't think he should do the "shopping for you" performance as this won't relieve the underlying problem. But, if he perceives the nature of your issue, he may be open to making a constructive plan with you.

Good luck! Enjoy your new haircut, clothes and shoes.

I think you have misunderstood.

Her DH is not stopping her from buying new clothes - she’s choosing not to.

She is upset with him that he’s not physically forcing her to buy them - which is just odd.

OP can go shopping any day of the week or online using DH’s money and he’d be fine with it.
But apparently OP needs him to do it for her.

Do you know your body type and a reliable place to order something that you know will fit you well? (I have some go to brands and cuts that I know tend to work with my body) if so, I think you should go online right now and buy something for yourself. Something that fits well.

You need to make a decision that you and he are earning money as a team and you have as much right to the joint funds as he does. Working part-time facilitates the family and makes his earning possible. You should not feel any guilt about having full use of money that should be shared equally.

In all honesty the only person who can change this is you. You need to get therapy to work on your self confidence, look to retrain to get you own decent money in. It’s no good expecting your DH to guess what you want him to do.

You need to pull up your big girl pants and come up with a plan on how to get yourself out of this.your first step is to get some therapy. Relying on others to build your self confidence is always a highway to no where.

Please do this:

Take one action every day before midday no matter how small.

It could be anything, booking a hairdresser appointment, asking a friend you think has good taste to go shopping with you and arranging a firm date , buying a pair of totally frivolous socks, going into town by yourself and buying a new pair of jeans ( maybe that one first), walk in to a nail bar and get a manicure, look at photos of people whose style you like and do one tiny thing that they do eg wearing bigger earrings.

There is only one rule, you have to take action every day before midday. Please do not ask your husband if any of your actions are ok beforehand, instead show off the results and expect admiration.

The take action every day technique works for everything, it genuinely doesn’t matter how small the action is, it’s the momentum that counts.

You need to speak up and stop being a doormouse. If you want to look in the ladies section, tell him you are. And if you want to buy something, just buy it! I’m not sure what you want from him. Just be assertive!

I agree.

Your method of going shopping with your DH clearly isn't working. Why would you want to go shopping with him, picking out clothes for him and go home without anything for yourself, while wearing clothes four times too big for you - think more of yourself.

I shop for my own clothes by myself as does DH. I can imagine you going into a changing room, trying something on, asking your husband what he thinks - he says something non committal or that he's not sure and I bet you'd then huff back to the changing room and come out empty handed and feel sorry for yourself.

You don't have to wait until you go to the nearest city or weekend break. Go online today and buy your bras from Bravissimo or wait until the morning and use their chat thing for help. Go online to Next, Marks & Spencer, John Lewis and buy yourself some basics - do a haul and try different sizes and return what's not suitable. Then when you've the basics you can try other stores/labels and slowly build up your wardrobe. Just like the majority of us do.

Have your hair cut and coloured book an appointment. Ask friends for recommendations of somewhere good.

Then go on a shopping expedition on your own or with an encouraging friend.

It could be your birthday present to yourself.

Can you go shopping by yourself? With a friend/sister? Book a personal shoppr in John Lewis?

You have identified the issue but very reluctant in being proactive to solve it. I want to be polite about it and I say this playfully but you need a kick up the bum! If you push yourself to get this done you will feel so much better and the confidence will impact other areas of your life, potentially maybe your career.

I used to say this when I was a sahm op, it was as if I felt I didn’t contribute financially so didn’t deserve to reap the fruits of the household income because I saw it as my husband’s income. We have been having relationship issues since I’ve gone back to work and it’s really made me see how little I have, I could literally do as they do in the films and pack up a bag (well except for the memory stuff, I’d fill a car with that😅). I’d say not only is it time to start buying (obviously don’t send you all into debt but get yourself to a content space within months material goods wise!), and start squirrelling a bit from now on. We won’t call it a running away fund, but just some thing you have in an account that you build on weekly even in a tiny way so you’re not penniless.

I struggled with this sort of thing after my husband came into a huge amount of money selling his company and at the same time I had just quit my part time job which was causing me a lot of stress.

For a while I was barely bringing anything in and yet our lifestyle was purely being propped up by my husband's money, even though he saw it as our money.

It took me a long time to feel like I deserved nice things but now I'm working towards a new career and bringing in a bit of money, I'm happier to spend it on myself. Yes I'm not paying for any bills currently but we are happy that investment and hard work I'm putting in towards a new career makes up for this as I'll likely end up on a much better wage in the future.

It's definitely been a mindset shift.