AIBU to feel overlooked while everyone else comes first financially?

[centsandcentsilbilty]

Will try to keep a long story short but no promises!

I have been married to a really great guy for over 20 years, have 3 children who are almost grown now.
I have mostly been a SAHM by mutual choice , something I am extremely grateful for having been able to do and have the support of my husband to do. We are comfortable but not rolling in it and I have always known I would have to make some sacrifices to allow my staying at home.
I work part time now, but don’t bring in enough money to make any meaningful contributions to the household, more like it allows for a few treats here and there.

For the past few years I have been feeling like I am ‘seen’ less and less, losing myself.
I realised when we go on a shopping trip ( we live in a smaller town so trips to the city are always a side quest to the shops) that I rarely get anything. We go to the men’s department and even though it is mentioned that I should look too, we always seem to gloss over any areas I might be interested in.
Recently I was shopping and did see something but mentioned that it wasn’t in the sale, so we moved on the the sale section where I didn’t like anything, meanwhile hubby is buying full price designer gear, when his wardrobe is full of nice clothes some still with tags.
I have also lost quite a bit of weight in the last year, but wearing the same clothes, so feeling crappy rather than good about it!
think I’ll fitting bras and jeans being held up with a belt because they are 4-5 sizes too big!
I would love to get my haircut but don’t feel confident enough to spend the money, even though it’s just a basic cut, haven’t coloured it in years and when I did it was box dye that O felt guilty about buying.
As time goes on I am feeling like I need to shrink myself more and more
I buy the bare minimum for myself do that my husband and children can have things but they don’t notice or care. It hurts that I seem to now just be someone who cooks and cleans but my appearance and confidence don’t seem to matter.
I have brought it up, to which my husband will say that it shouldn’t be that way etc but nothing actually changes.

writing it down, it sounds ridiculous, but that’s where I’ve found myself and my self worth and confidence are telling me that it’s what I deserve.
I do love my husband and he is loving and caring in so many ways, he just seems blind to this, when I ask him how an outfit looks in the morning he says I look nice, but when I look in the mirror I see a sad sack of potatoes
but carry on as I’m told that that’s fine!
it’s hard when he’s walking out looking sharp for work!
aibu to feel this way?

Just go shopping by yourself or order online surely.

It sounds like you’re waiting around for someone to treat you or tell you to buy something? Comes across very passive. You’re a grown adult so if you want something, buy it?

Right OP

This week, make yourself an appointment to get your hair done.

Next week, go with a friend and buy yourself a summer dress you love and sandals that you will love putting on every time.

Little and often.
If you really don’t like spending money, maybe have a day in the shops trying things on, but then look for similar on Vinted

Why on earth would you go clothes shopping with a man? I say this as a mum of boys. I never voluntarily go to a clothes/beauty shop with either my DH or my sons. They just think differently to women.

I like to touch things and meander about with no real purpose and sometimes circle back. They go with a particular mission and complete it as quickly as possible 😂

Take some time for yourself and perhaps look at a personal styling appointment at John Lewis.

But theres nothing stopping you booking a hair appointment and ordering some clothes online

No one is stopping you but you. Theres no excuse for walking round in jeans 4x too big. You can easily nip to supermarket for goodness sake and pick up a pair

This

See I see it as passive aggressive. She’s clearly blaming him, even changed her story when the answers didn’t go her way, to make him look worse, saying he doesn’t even let her look at women’s clothes when she’d just talked about doing exactly that, but when pushed she makes it clear she’s full access to money, she actually wants him to buy her clothes or spend a day pandering to her.

she works part time, she has money, she could easily go shopping. Easily book a personal stylist session. She’s saying she’s wearing clothes 5 sizes too big, and then blaming him as she asks him how she looks and he says fine. She even earns her own money,

im not sure I believe her husband is buying designer gear, I suspect that’s an exaggeration, or that her clothes are 5 sizes too big, what it appears she wanted is people to slag off her husband and say poor you.

she also says she keeps speaking to him about it, the man sounds bemused. Isit a confidence issue, or is it a stick to beat him with, playing rhe martyr

Also a bit confused why you can't just say to dh while.shopping 'oh im going in here as really need a couple new pairs of jeans' meet you in x.
Sounds like he really doesn't want to ladies clothes shop even if you like shopping with him

Yeah, I bet if he suggested shopping or hairdresser she would say 'soo you're saying I am ugly?'

Book the hairdresser. Go shopping with a friend. Get a facial, mani, pedi, whatever you want. Learn to love yourself and speak up for what you want. Well done on the weight loss.

You need to have your own personal money, so you can spend it on what you need and want. This is why I always recommend a joint account for family money and then the same personal spending money in their own account so you can buy clothes and coffee and plants for the garden or new sports kit without guilt and without explaining it to anyone.
Would your husband be up for a review of how family money is divided up ?
And please don’t think you need to earn more, just add up what the work you do for your family would cost if bought in. Cleaning, cooking, child care, taxi driving and so on.

This thread has confused me greatly. OP, has NO-ONE mentioned how you are dressing? Your family, friends? Why are you not shopping for yourself?? Maybe therapy and confidence building would be more beneficial than anything right now? You see a sack of pots in the mirror? Then change it. Take accountability and control of your life.

I’m a size 10. If I wore a 20 I’d look absolutely ridiculous 😂. Are you sure they’re 5 sizes too big? Surely you’d be tying stuff on with string?

Could you make a list (either on paper or your phone, not just in your head) of what you want/need - 2 pairs of jeans that fit, a nice top for summer BBQs with friends, etc. Then when you're having a coffee, pull out the list to show him and perhaps discuss which shops you might like to start looking in. Having a clear goal might be helpful for both of you and slowly get you into better habits and a better mindset.

Perhaps he's just bloody sick of her not actually choosing something to buy. In the OP she say she saw something she liked but it wasn't in the sale so left him. That's not on him.

Many men get fed up to the hilt of clothes browsing, they like to go in shop,pick what they want and leave

Surely she has her wages

Why should he be embarrassed that she needs basics. He's not stopping her buying tgem

Tbf - her children are now adults.
The: “just add up what the work you do for your family would cost if bought in. Cleaning, cooking, child care, taxi driving” equating to financial contribution probably ended when they finished primary school when the childcare side of things ended.
After that OP could have (not necessarily should have) returned to work part-time/increased her hours to balance out the spare time she would have gained, if we were to look at it in terms of time and money.
It maybe that there is a ceiling of earnings she can achieve but it is unclear either way.
Obviously she and her DH were seemingly happy with the set up all this time and DH hasn’t restricted access to money or controlled her spending.

Maybe he's done it before and she still faffs.

It would get on my bloody wick shopping with someone like hhat

You are being unreasonable in that you can just decide to buy yourself new clothes as far as I can tell from the OP.

The good news and bad news is that the person causing the problem is you. So you can change it.

OP, do you have friends, do you socialise, do you volunteer, do you drive?
Seems to me you just handed all the decisions and responsibilities to the man and relaxed into the home life but then forgot that there might be life outside the home too?

Sounds quite self imposed to be honest, do you not each have a monthly ‘allowance’ taken from your joint finances you can spend on yourselves as you wish, save, buy each other presents etc?

A martyr always thinks she/he shrinks and puts their wishes and personal needs last. In reality it’s the other way round, the need for constant validation and mind-reading is overwhelming and tiring for everyone around. Speaking from personal experience with a relative, after many years of mind-reading and pouring buckets of supportive actions into the bottomless pit of her non-existent self confidence I gave up and started to avoid contact.

OP, self-confidence comes from within. Relying on others to regulate your emotions and build your confidence works great in toddlerhood, but it’s not healthy in adults.

btw someone mentioned a book. Since I left a job and might become self imposed pensioner, I am going crazy and will be doing art courses plus buying the book

👌