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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

1000 replies

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 09:14

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

OP posts:
ThisBirdOnThatRoof · 31/05/2026 21:49

If you had no dogs @Forest28 but something else you were passionate about, I would bet anything that after he moved in he would object to it. E.g. if you had a Steinway grand piano and practised a couple of hours a day and sometimes did gigs. Or if you were on a women's rugby or football team and had all the gear and also had the lasses round once a month for drinks. It is about control. I know he is a real person to you and he is not to us, but 2 years is no time really, and it is so, so imprudent to risk conceiving with a man who broke your boundary and has made his own vvv unreasonable rules.

Maybe you can date guys you meet from a dog walker's club or guys who volunteer for borrow my doggy?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 31/05/2026 21:51

I replied earlier, and have read all your updates.

YOU have been stitched up, do not get rid of your dogs.

ThisBirdOnThatRoof · 31/05/2026 21:56

gentlemum · 31/05/2026 21:16

I agree they clearly are and that is why OP is being evasive and refusing to answer any questions about them. I’ve never heard of multiple men having issues with a couple of dogs. There is clearly a reason and OP is telling half a story and everyone is calling out the boyfriend as abusive but we clearly do not have all the details.

Oh come on. He cuddled with them for weeks in the courtship phase with her, and did a flip flop the minute he had her well away from her neighbourhood and support network.

Men after a shag and who would be useless fathers selected themselves out when they saw OP can love and care for creatures on a regular basis...creatures other than them. Maybe these men wanted a woman who would just be a free agent off to Ibiza whenever. Maybe they hate her discipline in getting out of bed and walking them...not a lot of duvet days, if they were wallowing types.

Cosyblankets · 31/05/2026 21:57

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 17:27

I think there just aren't many men who want to date a single woman with two big dogs. It's an unusual situation I suppose. All the men who had an issue had never owned dogs before.

Dog owner here. Met my husband online. I had two big dogs when I met him. We came as a package. Sadly they're no longer with us as they passed away after living to a grand old age. They very much became "our" dogs. I think they were maybe 7 or 8 years old when I met him.

We have another dog now.

BridgetJonesV2 · 31/05/2026 21:57

You're being way too passive here OP. This is the sort of man that you leave the dogs with when you're in hospital giving birth and he either has them PTS at the vets or he rehomes them.

No man in this world would come between me and my dogs.

ThisBirdOnThatRoof · 31/05/2026 21:59

OP sounds like she has a lot of love to give and is willing to make big changes, and has earned the trust of her pets. She deserves better. Isolation can make anyone secondguess themselves.

OneNewEagle · 31/05/2026 21:59

Anarchy99 · 31/05/2026 21:48

Absolutely.

(But then I find nothing more endearing in a man than being an animal lover, esp of the kind that has conversations with them when he thinks nobody is listening 😬)

That’s nice yes. But I think I’m really overprotective of my pets. I was a lone parent to dc (abusive ex) and then eventually my pets and I preferred no men anywhere near any of them .

nowadays I have rescue cats only at the moment and my DP , we are both vegetarian and love animals or I’d not have dated him, but in my eyes they are still only my pets.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 31/05/2026 22:00

Anarchy99 · 31/05/2026 21:48

Absolutely.

(But then I find nothing more endearing in a man than being an animal lover, esp of the kind that has conversations with them when he thinks nobody is listening 😬)

Yes!! I have just this minute heard DH talking to the hedgehogs in our garden as he's out feeding them ❤️😂

Anarchy99 · 31/05/2026 22:01

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 31/05/2026 22:00

Yes!! I have just this minute heard DH talking to the hedgehogs in our garden as he's out feeding them ❤️😂

Oh my days - that’s adorable ☺️

homelovingalme · 31/05/2026 22:02

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 12:08

It was at his request that they don't come into any rooms that he's in. He has five available rooms where he doesn't have to see them at all. Apparently it's still not enough.

That's horrible. 🚩

ThisBirdOnThatRoof · 31/05/2026 22:02

I remember back when I was thinking of dating, on my list as a plus was if the man had a dog.

CoverLikelyZebra · 31/05/2026 22:05

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 19:14

It was a week after we moved in together than he said the dogs will need to go.

What an arsehole. That would have been the right point to split up with him. That's not reasonable behaviour - but it was also incredibly unreasonable of you to plan this move without talking explicitly about the dogs and being 100% sure that he understands that they are part of the package and will be part pf the family.

OneNewEagle · 31/05/2026 22:05

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 17:05

This is something that annoys me. He's basically spent no time trying to bond with them, almost as if he doesn't want to get attached.

I don’t understand this at all. When my dp moved in with me I had my dog already. He adored the dog as much as me, dog was my best friend and still is even though he passed away many years ago. The dog dog came before everything else so any plans were around the dog.

I could not live with someone ever who treated my dp dog or any pet like that.

randomfemthinker · 31/05/2026 22:13

Neither of you are wrong over your needs. I'm not a dog person and I would offer the perspective like others did that with the relationship feeling so right in every other way, maybe he loved you enough to TRY and convince himself he could get used to it but after the reality of moving in together, he just ... can't do it. Dog ownership is a whole lifestyle experience someone is taking on if they aren't into it and over really going into it over the work of 50/50 dog care (which is expected long term over joint dog) as well as a baby and maybe working full time? It's hard. Dogs suck up a LOT of time and money that dog lovers are fine to take on but it's tough when you don't want to take it on as well as a child and relax more after work, if he works. He does need to acknowledge what you've given up by moving in with him but as well, dog ownership is a massive commitment for someone not really into them but as this thread shows, it seems to be an ingrained part of society now over a lot having dogs and juggling life and pets seems to be a wider thing over dating now.

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 22:15

CoverLikelyZebra · 31/05/2026 22:05

What an arsehole. That would have been the right point to split up with him. That's not reasonable behaviour - but it was also incredibly unreasonable of you to plan this move without talking explicitly about the dogs and being 100% sure that he understands that they are part of the package and will be part pf the family.

We specifically picked out this house to accommodate the dogs, and got landlord permission, so it definitely was always supposed to be us living with them.

OP posts:
Forest28 · 31/05/2026 22:18

randomfemthinker · 31/05/2026 22:13

Neither of you are wrong over your needs. I'm not a dog person and I would offer the perspective like others did that with the relationship feeling so right in every other way, maybe he loved you enough to TRY and convince himself he could get used to it but after the reality of moving in together, he just ... can't do it. Dog ownership is a whole lifestyle experience someone is taking on if they aren't into it and over really going into it over the work of 50/50 dog care (which is expected long term over joint dog) as well as a baby and maybe working full time? It's hard. Dogs suck up a LOT of time and money that dog lovers are fine to take on but it's tough when you don't want to take it on as well as a child and relax more after work, if he works. He does need to acknowledge what you've given up by moving in with him but as well, dog ownership is a massive commitment for someone not really into them but as this thread shows, it seems to be an ingrained part of society now over a lot having dogs and juggling life and pets seems to be a wider thing over dating now.

It is a lot of work, and I've said I'm done with pets when my dogs pass away. However, I've always said that I will see this through. I've raised them from eight weeks. He also only contributes by going on some dog walks with me. There's no financial contribution. He has five rooms and three bathrooms completely dog free. We have a cleaner. It's basically just housing two dogs in a part of the house he doesn't go into.

OP posts:
Forest28 · 31/05/2026 22:25

gentlemum · 31/05/2026 21:35

So he was fine with her having dogs, likes dogs even. They move in together and within days he brings up rehoming them. WHY?? The why is importantly. I asked OP this directly and she blanked it. There is clearly an issue with the dogs. He may have felt it was ok until living with her and the dogs has changed his mind. He is allowed to change his mind without being he is a master manipulator and abuser. If the dogs come first so much and this is such an issue why has OP stuck around for two years.

I don't think he was okay with the dogs from the start. He said recently when he first saw a picture of them he was thinking oh no, but he didn't want to say anything. That said, he also stuck around for all this time.

OP posts:
Forest28 · 31/05/2026 22:27

gentlemum · 31/05/2026 21:42

Those breeds certainly aren’t as big as it seemed you were making it sound. Pretty standard family dogs. Depending on what they’re crossed with of course.. there’s such an emphasis on how big they are I just can’t picture Labrador’s.

But what was his reasoning for first bringing up them being rehomed within days of moving in together? Something must have happened for this change to have occurred?

From what he's mentioned recently, he was never okay with them. He just said he was.

OP posts:
LetGoLetThem1234 · 31/05/2026 22:33

So he has lied all the way through the relationship.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 31/05/2026 22:34

So he lied to you.

Why on earth did you choose to rent somewhere so big ? just wondering.

L1ttledrummergirl · 31/05/2026 22:34

He sounds worse with every update.

At the very least he had lied to you for a long time about something extremely important to you. If he can lie about this, what else is he capable of lying about?
You have left yourself in a vulnerable position by moving away from you support network but only you know what you are happy to tolerate moving forwards.

You need to tell him clearly that the dogs are going nowhere and he needs to not bring this up again.

Easilyforgotten · 31/05/2026 22:34

I'm not sure you're doing right by these dogs already OP. They had the upheaval of a new home, a new human and they are now confined away from you of an evening. How big is this place of there's 5 rooms they are not allowed in?

Mydoreston · 31/05/2026 22:35

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 22:27

From what he's mentioned recently, he was never okay with them. He just said he was.

Yes well that’s the point we are making OP. He was deceptive. That is manipulative.

I told my now ex-bf from the start I didn’t like dogs, because just before our first date I noticed he had a dog as his WhatsApp profile photo.

He told me it was actually his parents dog that had passed anyway and he had no intention of getting one even though he had loved his family dog growing up.

If he had said he wanted one or he had one it would have ended there.

I wouldn’t have wasted his time or mine and did the whole bait and switch thing by going along with it until we were serious and only then revealing my true feelings.

Ok he’s my ex so ultimately we didn’t work out , but it was an amicable breakup that was nothing to do with dogs lol

CoverLikelyZebra · 31/05/2026 22:35

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 22:27

From what he's mentioned recently, he was never okay with them. He just said he was.

So he's a liar who will present himself as something he's not in order to get sex

And why isn't he dumped already?

LuckyHazelFox · 31/05/2026 22:38

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 22:27

From what he's mentioned recently, he was never okay with them. He just said he was.

You really do need a good shake metaphorically speaking. All these posts and you still aren't seeing how he's manipulating you.

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