AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

You've repeatedly said here on mumsnet that you're (very rightly) not going to rehome your dogs so what are you going to do? Surely you're not going to continue living like this in the hope that he'll change for the better?

You haven’t. Your current partner is selfish and scheming. Abusive, controlling men have a nose for kind, reasonable, caring and thoughtful women. This isn’t because they admire those qualities, it’s because they can sniff out a victim from a mile away. He thinks you’re weak and manipulable.

You’ve encouraged him in that belief by banishing your poor dogs from whole areas of the house. This man will fuck your life up if you let him. Show him you’re not weak. Solve the dog ‘problem’ for him by taking your lovely dogs and leaving. He’ll soon replace you with another controllable woman to bow to his will, be his servant and have his babies. That’s all he wants: a woman - any woman. He doesn’t care for you at all.

I'm still catching up with the thread so others might have mentioned it.

It is well known that if you experience one abusive relationship you are more likely to have another UNLESS you do the work to find out why you were susceptible in the first place.

You ARE in another abusive relationship, just a different type. Do the Freedom Programme as soon as you can so you are more aware of abusive and manipulative men.

You should leave him OP, not just because of the dogs but because he is isolating you while he exerts control over you. He's another bad man.

That is not someone you want to be coparenting with Op. The deception, waiting until you had uprooted your entire life and couldn’t easily get away to tell you they needed to go and they need to be banished from the rooms he’s in…that isn’t someone that will make a great dad. At absolute best he has major communication issues, and at worst he’s a manipulative, controlling shit. Let’s be honest, we know which it is.

Dump. Do not consider TTC with this man.

OP knew from what week one? That she had dogs? Of course she does, they're her dogs!

You're a package, he can do one.

lol 😂 yeah I suspect Op had an inkling she had dogs.

Seriously though I think that poster may mean Op knew from week one that he didn’t like the dogs. Even though they’re wrong on that as it seems he pretended he was fine with the dogs until he moved in.

You can’t rehome two much loved pets half way through their lives. Presumably you know if they are likely to be safe around a baby, if you had one, and many people have dogs before babies come along without any problems. I wouldn’t be rehoming my dogs under your circumstances.

What had occurred was the OP had moved a considerable distance away from her family and friends to move in with this bloke. Then suddenly the man who had previously been quite happy to stay with her and the dogs for weeks at a time, in her old house, all together in the same room insists the dogs were now confined and must be got rid of.

This looks to have been his plan all along. He wanted the OP but not her pets but knew if he was actually honest about this up front, while she was still in her old home, she'd likely have shown him the door. This was cold and calculated. It is not about liking or not liking dogs. It is about dishonesty and control and a total lack of empathy.

Exactly. I just hope the OP has now fully realised this and is making plans to leave.

Agreed, he pretended, but I'm not sure why OP is to blame for him pretending.

We have a lot of furniture from both being married and homeowners previously. I also wanted a decent garden for the dogs.

Yeah she’s not to blame!

It's a four-bed house with multiple reception rooms and three stories.

I just think he's been really dishonest with you. Before he moved in, he pretended to like the dogs, sat in a room with the dogs, even cuddled a bit with them. But he was pretending, because as soon as you moved in with him he said "get rid of the dogs".

But he wasn't honest about his feelings until AFTER you'd uprooted your life (and your dogs' lives) and moved away to be with him.

Basically you can't trust him to be honest with you about anything. I'd be worried he was being cruel to my dogs when I was out of sight. I know it sounds very melodramatic, but how do you know he wouldn't resort to "getting rid of them" in some other way? Do you really think you can trust him to be a father to your child? A lot of men change their behaviour from "good guy" as soon as their partner is pregnant/trapped. He's already shown you he's not the man you thought he was.

No matter how much you want a baby, I'd bin him off. I actually knew someone who was in a similar situation when she moved in with a man who started campaigning for her to get rid of her elderly cat. She refused. One day she came home from work and the cat was gone. He said it must have run away. It turned out he'd driven the cat miles away and chucked it out of the car. She was heartbroken (never found the cat, immediately broke up with partner). It was awful.

My dog was like another child to me, he's passed away now, I couldn't have given him up for a man and I'd be so angry if he tried to get me to do so. Your partner sounds awful and it does sound like he had been planning this.

I have my dog from my previous marriage. Never has anyone told me that its weird. How is it not moving on from your relationship?! People who say that are idiots.
My dog is big dog breed. My current partner isn't a dog person and is a scared of dogs. Whilst chatting after a few dates. I asked him how would we ever work given that he is scared of dogs and I own a dog. He said he would make it work and he trusts me that my dog is okay (he was attacked as a child). He encouraged me to bring my dog if we ever went on walks or days out. He made a real effort to get to know her and bond with her. He is still scared of dogs and very wary of them but not my dog. He made the effort and spent time with her. He Interacts with her. We live together now and have a child. I do 90% of walks. He doesnt like going out on his own incase another dog approaches etc. Im fine with that. He did go out whilst I recovered from birth and he will snuggle up on the sofa with her. My dog is also raw feed (my partner is vegetarian!) And despite being wary of dogs and a veggie he will feed my dog too. Your partner is right to have concerns about a child and dogs. I did. But never once did I think about rehoming. My concerns were mostly will dog get jealous, how do I make sure to spend quality time with her, etc.
You dont have a dog problem, unless they are violent or aggressive.... you have a dp problem. Please dont have children and rehome your dogs. I am genuinely so surprised you keep having children talks given you bith want different things!
Utter madness.

My partner also, before I moved in, bought a dog guard for his car and a baby gate for his house for whenever I came to stay so my dog could come too.

I know he is still a bit wary if she jumps up or barks (she barks at postie, delivery drivers etc) but he knew I had a dog from the start and he knew he had to make that work if he wanted to be with me. As much as i love him and fell for him hard at the start, we would have ended if he wanted my dog to go. That isnt a person you should be with. I think its bonkers he doesnt want to be in the same room as your dogs, tell him to fuck off.

This is making me so sad for you and your dogs. I just can't understand his mentality. I have two dogs and thinking about what he's proposing is just unfathomable.

Do you have any idea why this situation came about? Are you extremely wealthy? Have the female equivalent of a golden cock? Why is he trying so hard in a situation where you're clearly incompatible? Did he just arrogantly assume you'd go along with his wants once you moved?

I hope you can break your lease and take your dogs back to your old life. I couldn't get past the complete dishonesty of his position.

This is awful. Please OP bear this in mind. I wouldn't be surprised if he tried something like this.

I agree with what imakecrapcakes
and others have said- he sounds manipulative and there are red flags about much of his behaviour.
I do not usually suggest to do this, but given his behaviour, if you are keen to have a child, feel time is running out and if you think he’d be an ok ex-partner to co parent with, then there’s nothing stopping you from falling pregnant then move back to your support system without him (and with your dogs!).

He’s abusive and this is the start.
He’s gaslighted you into thinking you have a future with him, dogs and child which would be perfectly reasonable because of what he’s said and his behaviour up to now.
At this point, you’re on the back foot and he can start his manipulations and controls.

You’re fortunate that you’re renting and haven’t got a mortgage with him though.

Your dogs are your loyal companions. This man is being unreasonable. You are better off with your dogs and without this man. I'm sorry you're going through this.