AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

[RudaRudoRude]

Name change as outing info before.
I had an emergency c section 3 weeks ago. Baby was 3 weeks early but fine. My DH has gone for the weekend to his parents for a large family celebration. I haven’t gone because I’m still really sore. I had the c section done with general anaesthetic as it was a real emergency they didn’t have time to do a epidural. I said to DH about him not going because I could do with help with the baby. I’m on my own and don’t have my own parents. His mum got upset so he’s gone there to the weekend party.
Now I’ve found out from a message from someone in his family who said to watch my back as my mil is implying that I can’t cope with the baby because I asked him to stay and he should look at leaving me and applying for custody.

I can cope with the baby, I was only asking him to stay because I really am sore and with having to do everything myself until Monday it feels a lot. I don’t know if I’m just hormonal or this isn’t fair. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to stay but was it?

@AgnesMcDoo i had 3 c/s. am a retired midwife.
i’m not an ignorant dick.

Your husband needs to remember that he is a father now and needs to support you. He can still be close to his mum without pushing you out like he is now.

If he can’t support his wife and child then I would be questioning the future of the relationship. Put you and the baby first.

This is very sad 😔 Op your husband needs to realise that you and the baby are his family now and should be his number one priority. Most people wouldn’t be taking a three week old anywhere. At that age you would need to stop every 30 mins and get the baby out of their car seat as it is not safe for them to not be fully flat sleeping at that age. (Look up car seat safety)

Im sorry to hear that you didn’t have a stable upbringing that you can compare things too.

Ask and accept as much help from the midwives and health visitors as possible. They will be able to give a positive account if your MIL keeps stirring things up. Also, get all your ducks in row as they say on Mumsnet. You and the baby are the ones being let down here. I’ve had an emergency operation very similar to a C-section and the recovery was A LOT worse and longer than my subsequent planned C-section. Go to all the follow ups and the postnatal check with your doc. There could easily be a bit of an infection making it harder for things to heal. Make sure your scar is not very red or hot x

I’m just gutted for you. 30 years ago I had our daughter by c-section under GA.
The next morning my MIL insisted that my DH (one of 4 brothers) painted the outside of her house.
I couldn’t get out of bed unassisted for the toilet, couldn’t lift the baby and was struggling to establish BF.
He was apologetic but promised he’d be as quick as he could, and that the nurses were there to help me. Why he didn’t tell his mother to F off was, and still is beyond me.
His mother has, and continues to put herself first, she is now 91, and he’s still at her beck and call.
She’s never put herself out to help us or our kids in any way. Can’t see anything changing now!
My DH and I are still together, and he is on the whole a good man. But There have been several occasions over the years when he should have put me first and didn’t.
Our eldest daughter had a baby 3 weeks ago by c-section and her lovely DH literally didn’t leave her side 24/7 for the first 3 weeks including sleeping literally on the floor next to her bed in hospital for 4 nights. We are so proud of him.

Fuck off

This is malicious nonsense, I feel quite angry for you. No court is going to take a newborn away from a mother because she's unwell or exhausted. Try to ignore these people and have a serious talk with your partner about how tge two of you can give your baby the best start.

My mum had my brother in the 80s and got looked after in the hospital for a few days. It’s only modern time where people are sent home the next day. (if no complications) An emergency surgery is completely different to an elective one, they are focused on speed rather than what the wound recovery will be like.

There is no way DH would have left me 3 weeks after an ECS. If anything I would say that him gallivanting off to the party is the sign of a poor parent, not you needing help whilst recovering from major surgery

I think there may be a slight difference between a weekend away at a hotel with a newborn, and a BBQ!

Would the hotel even have wanted them there, a newborn and a mum who might need medical treatment?

She's bonkers. X

I am coping with the baby. I just wanted some support from him. At night when the baby is crying it’s lonely. I find it a bit stressful when I’m showering even if my baby is asleep I swear I can hear him crying even if he isn’t. I’m trying to eat healthy and cooking washing up and doing the washing. I’m just tired and feel lonely and could have done with him being here.

I have my neighbour but she works. Work friends and friends have popped in too. I haven’t told my last foster mum about this because she was quite mad at him about the holiday and how his mum messaged me so she won’t like this at all.

Thank goodness you are retired.

Just because you bounced back doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with those who needed longer to recover

I'd absolutely be furious and lose respect for my husband if he left me looking after a baby after major surgery to go to a family party because mummykins was upset that he wouldn't be there.
She's awful too for expecting him to be there after your c section.

Because she loves you and knows they are treating you like shit honestly.

If she will support you then tell her. She is right to be angry at him and you need to surround yourself with people who will look after you.

is she in a position to come and stay with you for a couple of days just to help you out?

whatever your MIL says ignore your doing a great job especially when your not getting the support from her son!

I was thinking how glad I was that my midwife for the two home deliveries wasn't brisk with me about it all! (She'd got a gong for services to midwifery, so other people may have agreed with me about what a star she was.)

This is exactly how I feel. He is acting unfit as a parent, not you.
His priority should be his own family as father & husband, with very real needs (post surgery & premature newborn baby) versus his wider family party. He is putting his mother’s wants above his own child and wife’s needs.
He needs to grow up & accept his very adult responsibilities not just leave you to it.
His family are inconsiderate and unkind towards his wife & child - he needs to see this & stand up to them, have your corner in this.

I feel terrible for you being made to feel inadequate, being guilt tripped, being left without help and support of your supposed partner. You need some tough talking for him to step up and be a better father. He has responsibilities now. And frankly to have some heart, for you. His life partner in one of her toughest times. Sending love, please be kind to yourself and look after yourself.

Is your relationship on the rocks?
Why should she tell him to leave you and try for custody?
Do you not trust your partner? Surely he should have shut her down straight away?

Would he have been happy to be left three weeks after abdominal surgery with a newborn baby?
why do mils needs trump yours you are in this level of pain because the two of you choose to have a baby and now he can’t even support you.

i would be apoplectic with rage

My DP had gastro surgery, three weeks in, he was still in hospital, for the next weeks, he was still having the dressings nurse check his wounds and was told not to do more than self care and certainly no going out. When my Mum had me, it was a ten days stay in hospital, for a C Section, until you'd recovered, unless you had care. When I had my first, it was a three day stay and again, post C Section it depended on recovery. Women used to be surrounded by other women, they was unusual to be left completely on their own. Years ago, there'd be a teenage girl who needed pocket money and they'd go in help. Women who have had major abdominal surgery, need care.
@RudaRudoRude you would get residency and he'd be just visiting until your baby is 1. Then the court would look at him taking the baby out. They could never argue that you aren't fit to look after the baby, while leaving you on your own. He doesn't care about you. This is no way normal. This should be the beginning of the end.

I didn’t think it was a failing marriage. When he came back from his holiday even the things with his mum, he was lovely and things were fine and they have been until this weekend with this. I didn’t argue with him about going, and I didn’t get upset, I didn’t want to fight about it so I just let him go and thought I will have to get on as he’s already had his mum on the phone on at him. It’s what she’s said that’s upset me just because I asked him to stay. I didn’t keep on and I’ve only replied to his messages I’ve not messaged or called him first because I don’t want the messages from her again if I do.

Please contact your last foster mum, she sounds like a real support for you x

This is how it starts.

I had an emergency C Section and it was very, very difficult to do anything at all. You feel like you’re going to tear in half when you move.

Your mother in law is being very, very unreasonable and your husband should have stood up to her.