AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

[RudaRudoRude]

Name change as outing info before.
I had an emergency c section 3 weeks ago. Baby was 3 weeks early but fine. My DH has gone for the weekend to his parents for a large family celebration. I haven’t gone because I’m still really sore. I had the c section done with general anaesthetic as it was a real emergency they didn’t have time to do a epidural. I said to DH about him not going because I could do with help with the baby. I’m on my own and don’t have my own parents. His mum got upset so he’s gone there to the weekend party.
Now I’ve found out from a message from someone in his family who said to watch my back as my mil is implying that I can’t cope with the baby because I asked him to stay and he should look at leaving me and applying for custody.

I can cope with the baby, I was only asking him to stay because I really am sore and with having to do everything myself until Monday it feels a lot. I don’t know if I’m just hormonal or this isn’t fair. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to stay but was it?

No. The court would say that’s your family business and has 0 effect on your ability to parent, they also wouldn’t separate a breastfeeding mother from their baby just because she needed help after surgery for a few weeks (or for almost any reason at all).

There’s absolutely no chance under the sun that the court would award him full custody of a little baby for this or even for almost any reason except extreme ill health / mental health or if the woman was abusive or didnt want the child.

Wanting your husband to stay home 3 weeks after giving birth is not evidence of any form of parenting insufficiency. Your MIL is talking bollocks.

I meant to say 3 weeks.

There is no way a single incident of you asking him to stay and help with the baby, 3 weeks after an emergency c-section would be taken into consideration in a divorce dispute.

Is there more to the story than this. Has he behaved like an unsupportive wanker in the past? Has his mother always disapproved of you, and does he listen to her?

What will he say/do if you raise the message with him? Unless he tackles his mother absolutely head on for her appalling behaviour, then he is the problem.

Definitely this.

Honestly, your DH is a shit husband and a shit father. His mother sounds even worse.

So even though you are the one who has been left alone at home with a brand new baby, his awful mother is saying that you are an unfit mother and your neglectful, 'couldn't give a shit' husband should seek sole custody? If you aren't a fit mother, why did your husband leave you alone with the baby.

They are insane but this doesn't excuse the sheer cruelty of their behaviour.

Have you got family who could step in and help you? Are you still have visits from your midwife or health visitor? If so, please tell them what has happened so that it can be documented in your medical notes.

No it might even work in your favour as it says alot about his character

Not a snowball in hell's chance. She's batshit. And I mean there's no chance. I'm not over-egging it.

Does DH have form for appeasing mummy at your expense?

It is a big occasion but your DH should have ..
Stayed home and zoomed in a congratulations to his grandparents with you and the baby. Or
Attended for part of one day with you and the baby. Or
Attended alone for part of one day - with your blessing.

And in any case, by deserting his wife so soon after the difficult birth of their first child, surely @RudaRudoRude’s “D”H has proved that he is not actually fit to have custody of his own child himself?
Are you both quite young, @RudaRudoRude? Have you found your husband has been at his mother’s beck and call since the beginning of your marriage, and always prioritised her and her family’s needs above yours? Or is this a one-off? Though actually, that is all irrelevant, your MIL is clearly a bad parent herself if she has encouraged her son to abandon his responsibilities to his wife and first child in preference for a family party and expects you to cope by yourself. Does she not understand marriage is a partnership, as is parenting? You are not a single parent and should not be left to cope on your own like this. I am horrified for you.

Have you had a c section? Two weeks post section I hadn't left the house. I felt like I had been hit by a train. I had dreadful trapped wind pain. I was dealing with breastfeeding drama and super weepy. I was struggling with a bowel system that was still a bit shocked. I was still bleeding. And I was recovering from major surgery. Just because your sister recovered quickly doesn't mean it's the norm. Stop pressuring her that she should be able for more than she is. It's bloody difficult and there's no way I could have gone to a family celebration.

I wish I’d read that before giving my long-winded answer saying more or less the same thing, @youalright!

There is absolutely no way a court would award the father of a tiny baby custody when the mother is perfectly capable of looking after them.

What the hell is wrong with some women.

I have an adult son. I’d be telling him his place was at home with his wife and telling them both to sod the celebration and to stay at home.

Whoever has texted is at best thoughtless, at worse a shit-stirer … why on earth would they send you this message ? If they were genuinely concerned they would either be challenging it at source, or, coming round for a chat to see how you are (and then decide if you are in an emotionally stable state to hear this).

He went away on holiday with his parents 2 months ago and I was upset and texting him. His mum text me and said he needed a holiday and I wasn’t behaving well by constantly texting him. I admit maybe I did too much but I was anxious about a lot of things. Whilst he was away I was admitted for one night to the hospital because I had a really bad headache and my boss said I looked ill and insisted I went to the doctor, I just went to the pharmacy instead and they checked my bp and said I needed to go to the hospital so I did. Then they kept me in as my bp was so high just for that night. My midwife said it was probably the stress from the text argument with my mil and now that made it difficult between us.

I think you need some more support, it's quite unusual that you wouldn't be able to travel 3 weeks after a c section, just sit, let baby be passed around and attended to by family members for the weekend then go and collapse.

I picked the wrong one and on the app you can’t change it. Your husband is a real dick for this

If men have major abdominal surgery they are told to take it easy, rest, not lift anything heavier than a mug of tea & not overdo it for 4-6 weeks.

Women have a c section & get told to get on with it, lift an 8lb baby numerous times a day and nevermind they can't rest & are sleep deprived.

@RudaRudoRude you are doing an amazing job. I'm sorry your H is so unsupportive & under mummy's thumb.
You need a serious conversation when he gets back.

lol no court is going to even give him 50/50 of a breastfed baby because you wanted him to stay home 3weeks post section with a baby that wasn’t even due till now.

Mil is bat shit and he is spineless.

In fact I dare say if he really believed you couldn’t genuinely cope he would be an even shitter father for then leaving his baby with someone he deems can’t look after them. Shot himself in foot on that issue.

I disagree. Forewarned is forearmed. Theres no time to delay telling OP.

My friend and her partner didn't attend a very close family member's funeral after a planned C-section a couple of weeks earlier. No-one expected them to.

Your husband and mother-in-law both sound terrible and no, you staying with a newborn baby after surgery, is not grounds for custody to be awarded to him. It doesn't sound like he'd cope anyway.

OP where are your parents? You sound like you need someone to support you against his mother.

i think he’d be doing you a favour if he did divorce you.
Who wants a man that goes snivelling to his mum because you are texting him then tittle tattling back to her that you, quite reasonably, asked him to stay with you, and his newborn child, 3 weeks post emergency c section.
He sounds like a right drip

Unless there's some major thing you're not telling us, no.

He sounds like a deadbeat dad and a mummy's boy at the same time.

Get rid ASAP.

I don’t have parents. I grew up in care. This is another worry that I have that I will be judged because my parents were neglectful. I know my mil thinks my husband could have married better than me and she judges that which is why I believe she did say that.