AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

[RudaRudoRude]

Name change as outing info before.
I had an emergency c section 3 weeks ago. Baby was 3 weeks early but fine. My DH has gone for the weekend to his parents for a large family celebration. I haven’t gone because I’m still really sore. I had the c section done with general anaesthetic as it was a real emergency they didn’t have time to do a epidural. I said to DH about him not going because I could do with help with the baby. I’m on my own and don’t have my own parents. His mum got upset so he’s gone there to the weekend party.
Now I’ve found out from a message from someone in his family who said to watch my back as my mil is implying that I can’t cope with the baby because I asked him to stay and he should look at leaving me and applying for custody.

I can cope with the baby, I was only asking him to stay because I really am sore and with having to do everything myself until Monday it feels a lot. I don’t know if I’m just hormonal or this isn’t fair. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to stay but was it?

I bounded back super quickly after my last C-section (I went to a festival at 9 days post partum), but I still wouldn't have wanted to travel with the baby (and ALL the baby paraphernalia!) in hot weather, sleeping somewhere unfamiliar and worrying about the baby waking people up etc.

I'm not sure why so many people are trying to insist that the OP should have gone to this party to facilitate her husband's selfishness and his mother's batshittery.

She had an emergency C-section under general anaesthetic - that's a good enough reason not to go and there's no way anyone should be shamed for not wanting to embark on on long distance travel and overnight stays under these circumstances.

yup. So sorry but you chose a humdinger there OP

I find it a bit odd to need this much help after 3 weeks.
Although everyone is different it wasn’t that long ago, mom’s c/s or not got on with home life from the day they arrived home. Husbands off to work the next day or so.
Yes times have changed but 3 weeks in, I’d be concerned and following up with the dr. if I wasn’t managing on my own.

You are being the best mum.

You are breastfeeding (before I get hate I didn’t)

Your home with your child that should of only just been born rather than dragging them in a long car trip to be passed around by random “family”

Mil is clearly to be kept at arms length. If you can afford or have insurance to in the us if you are there I recommend dh finds a professional to talk to therapy wise to come out of having his bollocks in his mums purse.

You keep doing what you are doing! You’ve got this. You love your baby! You’re giving them the best start and best protection and thinking of them over anyone else. Babies best interests at heart over people pleasing.

Fuck your MIL. She sounds nasty. Your parents are not a reflection on you - you are your own person and if someone wants to judge you for being raised in care they’re a psychopath. There’s nothing ‘better’ or ‘worse’ about a person who was raised differently through no fault of their own. Don’t let their opinions bother you.

You’re the mum now. And you know you’ll raise your baby with lots of love and care. It’s time to grow your stronger mum skin now and let people’s judgement fall off you like water off a ducks back. They literally do not matter and who cares what they think?

Your mother in law is trying to cut you out of their lives. I sincerely hope your husband tells her to fuck right off. I doubt he will though. I wish you all the best with your recovery and your baby OP.

Also I don’t give a shit if someone was climbing Everest 2 days PP.

Every person and body is different.

Well done OP for ignoring the posters telling you that you can't possibly be struggling after three weeks. I've had two c sections, second was planned and I was up and about very quickly. The first was under general anaesthetic and it took me six weeks to be able to walk properly and I'm generally very good with pain and getting on with things. Your husband should definitely be with you xx

She is managing on her own. She has looked after her baby alone because her DH fucked off. She wanted him to help because it’s easier not because she is incapable.

Your reading comprehension is appalling.

No of course he couldn't, his mother is talking utter nonsense. If anything the fact that he went off and left you and the baby would be evidence that he's not responsible enough to be a father. Ignore the gossip but read him the riot act when he gets back about how neglectfully he has behaved. The fact that you had to get your neighbour to help you move stuff downstairs shows that he hasn't given your (or the baby's) health and safety a second thought, the useless git.

@RudaRudoRude You have a HUGE DH problem here.

And no, demanding custody just because you're in pain from an emergency C section is not going to work.

You need to be telling you DH how disappointed you are with him that he chose his mum over his wife and child, despite the fact you are still in physical pain from the emergency c-section.

If he cannot cut the apron strings, then the marriage isn't going to work. Is he married to you or his mum?

Do you have an friends you can talk to if you haven't got parents? or any foster parents/care people that you got on well with?

Your husband is an absolute cockend. So is his fucking bitty mother.

I feel so sorry for you OP, and I really do hope you fuck this bell end off, because his prick of a mother is never going to change

New mums used to stay in hospital for at least a week after a vaginal birth and even longer for a c-section.

Her DH is a selfish prick for leaving her on her own.

Honestly OP, I wish I could give you a big hug and a cup of tea or an iced drink, and look after the baby for a couple of hours so you can rest. It's what you deserve. Your DH is at the least unsupportive and your MIL has been very unkind and lacking in empathy to a new young mother.

It’s pretty common for many to still be in a lot of pain 3 weeks after major surgery.

whilst some people bounce back after a few paracetamol others take a lot longer.

what op is describing is what I went through with both my sections.

I was on strong pain killers for several weeks

Have confidence in yourself that you are in the right here. What a terrible way to treat you, leaving you by yourself and not shutting down the discussion by his mother. And that he left you alone at 7 months pregnant to go on holiday with his mum, and then you were 'told off' for texting him. Just awful.

Helpful 🙈

Please ignore MiL and what she may and may not have said. Your Husband needs training. (I know some people will say - don't bother) but a good man who doesn't have a clue - can be a great man once you point it out.
Yes he should have stayed and helped you.
No he shouldn't listen to his mum.
When he gets back - take a break
Let him look after you both.
Speak to him in a way he understands. If he is sorry and says he won't do it again then let him prove it to you.
(I had an ECS for baby 1 and wouldn't have taken baby to a family do after 3 weeks. But, every woman and every birth is different so sone would.)
In fact show your husband this thread to help articulate to him why he was ridiculous leaving you.

Show ur husband, and he now needs to make a choice, be a family man or a mummy’s boy. Not convinced he will choose the right
one. Sounds like ur advice should be heeded and your mil is a
nasty
piece of work.

@LarksAscending my comprehension is fine.
Three weeks to still need support of any sort is a bit extreme.
Hospital stays of 5-7 days aside it’s been 3 weeks.

That makes your MIL even more of a poisonous snake, encouraging your husband to keep leaving you on your own when she knows you don't have family support of your own - she's utterly toxic. However that doesn't absolve your husband of the responsibility to stand up to her and defend you. If he can't do that he's not worth having unfortunately.

Really sorry your pregnancy and newborn experience are being ruined by them. You're undoubtedly strong and you can do it alone, but you shouldn't have to.

This is sad to read, I'm sorry you're going through this.
Your husband should be putting you and your health first, way above his mother being unhappy.
If you asked him to stay, he should have done so.
To feel you can't cope 3 weeks after birth is absolutely not a failure, it's completely normal.
Your mil also is nasty. But why isn't your husband shutting her down when she says things like that?

All these people insisting OP should be fine 3 weeks after section are frankly ignorant dicks.

They all.sound like horrible people OP.Of.course he should have stayed and helped you with your baby if you had a cesarian only, a while back.He should.have your back, and want want is best for you.both you as his partner child's mother .

I think your mother inlaw sounds unkind and manipulative.Can you start standing up for yourself a bit more?
I don't know how.social services view these things, but here's betting they would take into.account the cesarian.

The person who told.you.what everyone at the party or the ml was saying about you is stirring trouble,it's only made you worried.

Hope you can get some rest somehow and heal soon.
Just because you.were in care doesn't mean you are less a person than the mother inlaw.She sounds nasty, you sound thoughtful and kind.Please don't let these people.get to you.

Start finding out about being more. assertive, and how to deal with unpleasant people like mother inlaw.
She doesn't get to decide about your relationship.

Having an emergency c section is awful in my experience. Remember your hormones will be going crazy right now too. Just because mil is behaving erratically does not mean dh is to. You need to stand up to him when he is home. He needs to start choosing you and the baby as you are a family now. Yes of course he can see his family but it would have looked a lot better if he had stayed at home. He wouldn’t get custody of a newborn op he has no reasons. It sounds like mil feels you are not good enough. Keep proving that you are ❤️