AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

[RudaRudoRude]

Name change as outing info before.
I had an emergency c section 3 weeks ago. Baby was 3 weeks early but fine. My DH has gone for the weekend to his parents for a large family celebration. I haven’t gone because I’m still really sore. I had the c section done with general anaesthetic as it was a real emergency they didn’t have time to do a epidural. I said to DH about him not going because I could do with help with the baby. I’m on my own and don’t have my own parents. His mum got upset so he’s gone there to the weekend party.
Now I’ve found out from a message from someone in his family who said to watch my back as my mil is implying that I can’t cope with the baby because I asked him to stay and he should look at leaving me and applying for custody.

I can cope with the baby, I was only asking him to stay because I really am sore and with having to do everything myself until Monday it feels a lot. I don’t know if I’m just hormonal or this isn’t fair. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to stay but was it?

MIL thinks you can't cope and he should go for full custody, yet she guilt tripped him into leaving you alone with the baby. She sounds like a nasty malicious woman. Your DH sounds weak to be bowing down to her. The family member who text you is inconsiderate delivering it the way she did when you are alone struggling postpartum.

Has that family always been awful or are you seeing true colours now you have a baby. Do you have your own friends and family? I'd be wanting to keep my distance from DHs family.

Certainly not.

But I'm more concerned that you believe he could be looking to divorce you. If it was a secure marriage, your husband would simply laugh at his mother or tell her to fuck right off. Why do you believe he might go along with this nonsense?

This lovely. Please tell her.

Please tell your foster mum. She sounds great.

Why is he such a simpering mummy's boy and why isn't he telling her to stfu? No court is going to take your baby away because you asked your husband for help at 3 weeks post partly. However, if he runs off to mummy every 2 seconds, and isnt on your side, THAT will be a problem

If your ML did say that she's a nasty piece of work. You have just had an emergency section and you need some help. Who wouldn't? Your DH should have stayed him to help with his new baby, and he should be having stern words with his mother. Also I doubt any court would remove a newborn baby from a mothrr because of what the ML supposedly said

So sorry you have such a mummy’s boy for a husband. I’m not sure I could get over the lack of support from him and the interference from your MIL. At 3 weeks post partum from an emergency section your “D”H should be taking care of you and helping with the baby. Not in a million years would my DH have gone away for a whole weekend at this time for a family party (he might have stopped in for a few hours but only if things were going well at home).

I suspect your MIL is one of those matriarchs who expects everyone to dance to her tune and your DH has grown up with learnt behaviour of keeping her happy. And if you’ve grown up in care you haven’t had the experience of a single supportive family so don’t know that this is not normal. Well let me tell you it is not normal.

You and his child should be his first priority now and you need to spell this out to him. And if he won’t listen to you then get your health visitor on board to tell him some home truths.

I hope you cope ok over the weekend. Please just take it easy and do the absolute basics to keep yourself and the baby fed and comfortable. Order takeaway for you and just live on the sofa and bed. Sending strength!

*post partum

Have you ever had an emergency C Section? If not then you have no right to judge another woman’s needs.

Can all these “after 3 weeks you should be coping” people just fuck off? It’s not a competition and everyone’s experiences are different. An emergency c section is major surgery to recover from. Hell even with a vaginal delivery I was still in bits 3 weeks later after my first baby…and add to this the lack of sleep and a brand new human to look after for the first time it can definitely be tough going.

You had a major abdominal surgery. It is the only such surgery where society just expects to get up and not focus on recovery.

I had two very similar uterine surgeries one year apart. With the first I was basically in bed recovering for 6 weeks per doctor’s instructions. The second was more invasive as it was an extremely complicated c-section. The doctor just told me to get on with life as I have a baby to take care of.

thankfully my husband knew better and treated both surgeries as serious. Yours should too. He should be doting on you so that all you have to do is care for the baby. He may be forced to go to work because the family needs money, but outside of that, he needs to be there until you recover physically.

You dont need any excuse- you had a baby and a major op 3 weeks ago and he should have stayed with you to help and look after you. Really disappointing from him. Hope youre ok xx

How far away is he? He should have just gone for the day, not a whole weekend.

Wow, that's bad, both him & MIL.

He needs to cut the apron strings, as they say. Leaving you is neglectful and cruel. You and your baby are his priority, not his mother & extended family.

I’ve had two c/s.

The first was a ‘elective’ one for placenta praevia, so general, second was emergency with spinal block.

I bounced back far more quickly with the spinal block and was out after 5 days.

General I was in for 8 days, as there had been a few complications. And it too me probably about 5/6 weeks to feel normal after the first c/s, whereas the second one probably about 3/4.

I didn’t always particularly agree with MIL, but had dh left me for a family party, 3 weeks after a c/s, for a weekend, she’d have sent him home, with a slapped backside unable to sit down for a week. She was always said to respect your wife as they are the mother of your children!

I had 2 emergency sections under GA - due to complications I was in hospital for 10 days with both of them. My husband would never have left me for a celebratory weekend, 3 weeks after delivery. He did have to go back to work quite soon afterwards, but that’s different!

It's worrying that he's so keen to put mummy ahead of you and baby's needs and this is likely to be a long-term thorn in your relationship. I'd bear in mind long term that you can not rely on him and factor that into planning things like returning to work and career progression.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable to still need support 3 weeks after major abdominal emergency surgery with a new baby in the mix. It took me 3 weeks before I could safely carry DS on the stairs because prior to that I needed both hands on the wall/ bannister for stability. I remember being exhausted after a 2-3 hour car journey at 6 weeks just from sitting in the passenger seat.
Any other similar surgery is taken seriously as needing a recovery period, yet birth isn't despite the added layers of hormones and baby care to make it harder.

Be kind to yourself OP. Use your foster mum and friends for support. It's not weak to use your network, it's strength.

What a nasty bully she is.

Was she abusive to him when he was a child? Is he perhaps afraid of how she will react if he doesn't pander to her every whim?

And what do his grandparents feel about his having been coerced into attending their special wedding anniversary weekend? If I were them I would be asking searching questions about where you and the baby were and how you were; I haven't read every reply, only yours, so I don't know if anyone has asked whether they are his mother's parents or his father's parents and where his father is in all this.

Yet you are acting like one. As a retired midwife you should know full well that no birth, and no recovery are ever the same for every mother.
Im glad you didnt deliver any of my babies!!

At Royal Shrewsbury Hospital?

Sorry I think he is out of line. Shame he didn't think so.

Yes you are.

and sadly it doesn’t surprise me in the least you used to he a midwife

They are my mother in laws parents. They have always been kind to me but I’ve only seen them at family events. My father in law wasn’t happy as the pregnancy wasn’t planned and we weren’t married, my husband then said we had to get married because his dad said this didn’t happen to people like them. We have been together for 4 years so it wasn’t a fling or anything. I don’t think his parents like me very much at all.

With the first I was basically in bed recovering for 6 weeks per doctor’s instructions. The second was more invasive as it was an extremely complicated c-section. The doctor just told me to get on with life as I have a baby to take care of

That’s extremely odd and reminiscent of several decades ago where many people died of post surgical blood clots because bed rest was enforced/encouraged. It either isn’t true or your surgeon was negligent and needs to be struck off. These days, as we know better, you are encouraged to be up and about as soon as you have properly come out of the anaesthetic. You shouldn’t be picking up anything heavier than your baby after abdominal surgery, but 6 weeks in bed is asking for complications.

thankfully my husband knew better and treated both surgeries as serious

That’s great he knew better than the surgeon. Why they wasted their time with that training is baffling. Given your husband knows better, has he considered applying for the job officially so he can spread his gift far and wide?

So he went with Mummy on a family holiday when you were nearly 8 months pregnant and ill? As well as swanning off to another event at her beck and call now. He is no decent partner to you, and has obviously never cut ties to his horrible mother. Sorry OP, that is so awful, and the worst of timings to find this out. Get help and support wherever you can now, and when he is back give him both barrels and tell him he needs to change his priorities, or else. Hope you are OK right now.💗