AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

[RudaRudoRude]

Name change as outing info before.
I had an emergency c section 3 weeks ago. Baby was 3 weeks early but fine. My DH has gone for the weekend to his parents for a large family celebration. I haven’t gone because I’m still really sore. I had the c section done with general anaesthetic as it was a real emergency they didn’t have time to do a epidural. I said to DH about him not going because I could do with help with the baby. I’m on my own and don’t have my own parents. His mum got upset so he’s gone there to the weekend party.
Now I’ve found out from a message from someone in his family who said to watch my back as my mil is implying that I can’t cope with the baby because I asked him to stay and he should look at leaving me and applying for custody.

I can cope with the baby, I was only asking him to stay because I really am sore and with having to do everything myself until Monday it feels a lot. I don’t know if I’m just hormonal or this isn’t fair. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to stay but was it?

With these sorts of people its never their fault for you being upset at them being vile, its your fault for finding the evidence!

I am afraid that this is one of those things that you can't unsee. Now you know what a shit he is, I am not sure what choice you have but to leave him, or rather kick him out. And dont worry, despite MIL kicking off and demanding the baby half the time no court in the world would make a breastfed new born spend anymore than a couple of hours at a time with the other parent, and usually that would be in their own home or at a contact centre.

I don’t know, I think I would want to be warned. OP’s MIL is clearly not right in the head and it is quite a serious situation.

I really feel for you OP. I had a c - section 3 months ago and I honestly wouldn’t have coped if my DH wasn’t around for the first 4 weeks.. if that was my DH he wouldn’t have discussed options with his mum, he would have discussed options with me and then told his mum was he was doing. Regardless if you’re hormonal or not, your DH is out of order for leaving you the whole weekend. I hope you are ok with the baby and be gentle with yourself. C- section recovery is not the easiest and you are not being unreasonable to ask him to stay.

Oh my love. Just to say I’m so glad you have the support of your FM. You deserve to be in a cocoon with your baby right now not this. Pray that you can somehow in the midst of the wild hormones and the genuine crap around you find security with your baby, your FM. He doesn’t sound great. If this is genuinely what he’s like you may be better off without him. Screenshot all the messages between them and from him etc. You will be ok your baby won’t be taken from you. Can you kick him out if that’s something you want to do? I’m sure people will have so many helpful tips on here but wanted to send you love really because it’s not you - it is her and him. You can be secure knowing the problem is them and he will not get custody. He is a prick for going, and she is a toxic horrible woman. Take care and look after yourself and lean on your FM, it sounds like she has your back xxxx

why should she have to have her newborn passed arround for the weekend tho and then go and collapse, the baby isnt a toy and the op has just had a major operation snd is breastfeeding, also it’s the wedding anniversary party of grandparents not something like a wedding or a funeral and a weekend away from home is a long time

Your husband is a dick
His mother is worse
Id change the locks

YANBU to feel upset and let down by this. He is really out of order and showing you exactly the type of Dad he plans to be. It’s not looking good! I would show him this thread.

No, of course not. NO-ONE is going to try to take a newborn baby away from its mum. Don't go fretting about that.

However, it was a seriously nasty thing to say! You need to ask your husband if it's true, and what he said in response (was he shocked? horrified? did he shut her down?)

Thank goodness for your FM. I had an EMC with my first and was completely traumatised by what led up to it so mentally I was in a terrible place 3 weeks after I had DD. What you said about hearing the baby crying when it isn’t really struck a chord with me. Your DH and his family are not nice - this is not normal. Please lean on your FM for support and anyone else you trust. Your early experience of care does not have to define you. Anyone who weaponises what happened to you as a child needs to be out of your life.

I can't edit my earlier post, but I have read all your posts now @RudaRudoRude . When I saw what your husband said I was truly shocked! What a horrible family they are.

I'm glad you've got your FM with you - let her help you, she's talking sense. Sending hugs 🫂 🫂 🫂.

He should 100% have stayed with you and his new baby. There is not even a question.

If true, his mother’s comments are unforgivable. Sadly some men are in hock to their difficult mothers and it can lead to great difficulties in the relationship.

I had an ECS and was back & forth to hospital because she was in NICU (born at 34 weeks). My stitches got infected as I was doing too much, there's a reason you're supposed to take it easy for a good few weeks after such major surgery. Hubby was with me for 2 weeks then DM & MIL for next 2 weeks & even then it was hard. Have had issues all of my marriage (20 years) with a MIL who can use emotional blackmail on DH. Caused arguments with DH, but we've mostly worked it out together and learnt how to deal with it. You need to have conversation with your DH that you & your baby come first or this type of thing will keep happening. This isn't to attack/exclude MIL but he needs to lay it out where his priorites are.

Your MIL and DH are both very much in the wrong, but this is also bonkers!

I know it's your first but surely you heard/read somewhere during your pregnancy that you're considered full term from 37 weeks and that something like 90% of babies arrive in the 5 week window between 37-42 weeks?! I did not make any plans to travel more than 30 minutes from my hospital from 36 weeks onwards for any of my pregnancies, just to be safe.

Very big

I’m not sure I could forgive this

Did he go to extra lengths to make sure someone else is helping you day and night??

I know nothing about caesareans, but my best friend's daughter is having an elective one in a few weeks and has been told she mustn't do/lift anything for 6 weeks. What he was doing leaving you alone is outrageous and all the subsequent stuff is disgusting. I hope you realise you have done nothing wrong. 💐

My DH was like this. Then he had his appendix removed. I asked him to look after his toddler for a half day a few weeks after operation. I might have stayed out longer so he has to do bedtime. He was in agony!!! And didn’t need to feed himself for several days …

problem solved,

Please let your MW (if you're still under them)/ HV teams know about what's happening so they can provide access for additional support.

Op your newborn has 2 parents. How would asking the other one for support go against you? in fact it could go against him for leaving you both to it. I suggest keeping a diary of what help /support he gives /refuses to give.. A judge won't have much regard for a man like him ime.

You had a baby 3 weeks ago and presumably this is your first so everything is still very new and a learning curve he absolutely should not of gone and the fact he chose his mother over his newborn and pp wife is disgusting .

I’ve got a lot done today. I’ve said I don’t want him to come back here, my friend came and has sorted things he will need for a few weeks and he can collect them from her house.
Ive blocked my mil and then I had to block my FIL as she was sending messages from his phone. I’ve ruined his grandparents anniversary now and I’m awful for that. My fm is staying for this week and she says my baby definitely has colic which is why everything feels so hard. I don’t feel as bad as I have the past few days so I think it probably was the not having help or support. I’m making a solicitors appointment this week too because the messages and levels of attempts of emotional abuse have shown me there isn’t anything to go back to.

I've mostly only read your posts @RudaRudoRude but you and your FM sound lovely and your husband and family sound absolutely awful. I hope your FM helps you get through these early days and to find your strength and move on without those terrible people. Keep screen shots of everything in case they go for custody although it doesn't sound like they actually really want the baby. Despicable arseholes.

I wish you and your baby all the best.

Just want to say your foster mum sounds lovely and you sound like you've got intelligence on your side. Your DH and his mum sound unhinged and very emotionally abusive. I don't say this lightly but I think you'd have a much happier and peaceful life if you left him. Love to you as I know it isn't easy.

I have been thinking of you OP and I hope you're ok.

Someone else made the very good point that your baby has two parents. So you should have the support of the other parent because caring for him is a shared responsibility. Asking the other parent for help (that was not even given) could not possibly be considered a reason to give the care of the child to the other parent.

Your foster mum sounds amazing and I'm sure you appreciate her. One thing I would advise you to do is use that support to really move forward. Don't ask her to prop up this situation where she is having to watch you effectively being abused. The fact that she is talking about keeping messages as evidence shows that her view is in line with everyone here - it's now time to think about how to disengage from this situation in a way that will allow you to truly move on. That means emotionally accepting that this is over and better things are ahead. In practical terms, give him nothing he can use. You need to get legal advice as a priority and perhaps your fm can help you with that. You have four things to think about - getting him moved out, getting a divorce started, offering short and regular contact sessions (as little as advised) and child maintenance. You need a solicitor specialising in family law who accepts legal aid. Do you or your fm feel able to seek that out first thing tomorrow? I realise it's a lot to think about when you're so tired and stressed that you're hearing baby crying when he isn't - I've been there too.

"I’ve ruined his grandparents anniversary now and I’m awful for that."
No, @RudaRudoRude, he and his mother ruined his grandparents’ anniversary by not doing the right thing by putting you and (both) your baby first.
Congratulations on your strength and determination, I am glad your foster mother is helping you and you are feeling more confident about things. I hope you continue to feel better and that the baby’s colic improves soon. You are coping wonderfully and I think you are doing the right things. Good luck with everything and enjoy your lovely baby.

I haven’t read the thread yet but bloody hell OP I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at the suggestion that the baby might be better off with the person who’s left you alone post major surgery, because you feel like you might struggle on your own post major surgery! What kind of twisted mind thinks that? Vile.

You have major DH issues unfortunately, with a double whammy of major DH-family issues.