AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

[RudaRudoRude]

Name change as outing info before.
I had an emergency c section 3 weeks ago. Baby was 3 weeks early but fine. My DH has gone for the weekend to his parents for a large family celebration. I haven’t gone because I’m still really sore. I had the c section done with general anaesthetic as it was a real emergency they didn’t have time to do a epidural. I said to DH about him not going because I could do with help with the baby. I’m on my own and don’t have my own parents. His mum got upset so he’s gone there to the weekend party.
Now I’ve found out from a message from someone in his family who said to watch my back as my mil is implying that I can’t cope with the baby because I asked him to stay and he should look at leaving me and applying for custody.

I can cope with the baby, I was only asking him to stay because I really am sore and with having to do everything myself until Monday it feels a lot. I don’t know if I’m just hormonal or this isn’t fair. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to stay but was it?

Please please leave this toxic man now, before he has the chance to mistreat you any further.

Where is his concern for the baby, sending you upsetting messages through the night when you are recovering and caring for a little one?

These are bad people, OP. Take this opportunity to decide where you want to live and just go if it's not where you currently are. That way you won't be tied to an area for shared residency.

Don't have him back and make an appointment with a solicitor while your foster mum is still with you. I'm so glad you have her.

1. Your husband should not have been making any social arrangements from 38 weeks - 4 weeks post partum. Anything further on than that should have been a “we will see how we’re doing”
2. You not wanting to sleep in a hotel with a 3 week old will never be a reason to lose custody
3. Wanting support at 3 weeks postpartum is normal and not a sign of not coping
4. your husband is the abnormal one for leaving his 3 week old baby
5. Your MIL is a piece of work
6. Follow FM’s guidance. She sounds wonderful and if things did go to custody hearings etc, a fab person to have in your corner and to evidence in your child’s life as another (after you) stable supportive figure

And here we go, woman gives birth and is expected to be superwomen. Women sadly are the worst and judgemental. I noticed this when I had my first child and got together with NCT group, mums would comment about other mums who needed help, had help from their mum. They considered them pathetic and failures. Nice eh?

Everyone is different, I was in pain throughout my body for months and needed physio, it’s major surgery, it’s very normal to have pain in first 6 weeks

Hang on, your baby is 3 weeeks old, born 3 weeks early so this big celebration would have been when your baby was due, assuming it’s as big as you say then it would have been planned in advance so your husband shouldn’t have made any plans to go as potentially you could have still been pregnant,
either way, I’d be fuming if I was you.
I would also not be to worried unless you had concerns your husband would leave you?
but not coping with a 3 weeks old after a emergency c section isn’t going to fly even if he did go for custody.
so even if the messsge sender is accurate, your MIL is just a busy body witch. Your husband need to get a back bone with her asap!

You urgently need to go for therapy. That all sounds very messed up. For you to get pregnant after 4 years being together should be something that is a possibility and the logical thing should have been to get married. It looks like the family have poisoned your husband against you apart from the person you mentioned who gave you the heads up. A partner should not walk off and behave like this at a very vulnerable time in your life. Good luck!

This will not end well. He absolutely should not have gone and it doesn’t bode well for your relationship or his role as a father that he did. If the message sender is genuine, then mil is a horror as well. Talk to your partner about it and hope he can see the error of his ways and doesn’t give any credence to his crazy mother’s stupid comments. I’m afraid you might be for a lifetime of unhinged behaviour from and mummy’s boy nonsense from him.

His mother sounds vile and he was out of order leaving you for a whole weekend. He’s prioritising his mother over his wife and new baby. Like what the hell?

That’s good you have retired, your view on post natal recovery would have had me feeling awful if you were my midwife, thankfully mine was so understanding that the first 6 weeks after a c-section is hard going, I struggled to pick my baby up for a few weeks without feeling faint

I’m so glad that you have your fm, she sounds like a great support.
Some people (including medical professionals) do not understand that the recovery from a crash section under general anaesthetic is very different from a cesarean with an epidural, both physically and mentally. If your mil is anything like mine she will be pissed off that you didn’t go because she couldn’t parade the baby round at the party like she had planned . 🫤 She doesn’t care about you and it seems that your husband has picked her side. There is no chance in hell that he will get “full custody” , as others have said he couldn’t even stay at home for the weekend to help with his 3 week old baby, hardly the committed father!
I would get your fm to help bag up some things for him to collect, you don’t need this crap at 3 weeks pp, or any time at all, mummy can have him all to herself!

That’s good you have retired, your view on post natal recovery would have had me feeling awful if you were my midwife, thankfully mine was so understanding that the first 6 weeks after a c-section is hard going, I struggled to pick my baby up for a few weeks without feeling faint

Tell him to pick up his stuff when he’s ready and move back in with his mum. The baby is breastfeeding so he can visit baby at your house. Nobody can say you ‘trapped’ him when you’re perfectly happy to let him go now his colours are showing.

Screen shot every message in case of deletions and as soon as he gets back tell him to leave . If your foster mum could stay that would help you to stay firm and if possible get her to pre pack his bags .

It sounds like you married a wolf in sheep's clothing.
He hasn't cut the apron strings away from his mum and she is most definitely the matriarch of the family. 🫩

You cannot be molded into their ideal daughter in law, as you don't toe the family line, despite the fact that he married you (making out that you trapped him is disgraceful) so they seek to discard you, yet want to have their son seek custody of his progeny.
He married you because "people like us" don't have children out of wedlock.
They are all about the facade of how they look to others. You have seen behind their mask and seen the trolls for what they are. They are a pile of shite. You are better than them. 💯

Get as far away from this toxic twat of a family. They will grind you down. You deserve better than this, and so does your child.
Wishing you well and I hope you get support from those who care for you (your foster mum sounds wonderful). 💐
@RudaRudoRude

This ☝️ 💯 👏

That’s really awful, OP, I found it hard enough when DH went back to work after two weeks but at least he was there from about 5 pm until 8 the next morning.
(I had a c-section too, DS was very large and I had had a previous loss.)
And I can’t imagine for even one second my lovely late MIL saying anything so conniving, manipulative and generally appalling. But at least you’ve been forewarned.

They sound awful, tell him not to bother coming back. Your FM sounds great.

I don’t have children, however have been following this post. Please know that we are all here for you and you have so much support. Your FM sounds absolutely lovely. Please keep us posted x

You need out of this relationship. Lean on your FM for support and send her photos of the messages. Call women’s aid for support- I bet he will get worse when you say it’s over. Be prepared to block MiL and contact the police about harassment if she continues to contact you. she sounds truly awful. They will threaten all sorts to keep you in line. I’m sorry you’re going through this but you need to keep you and your baby safe.

God lord I had a vaginal birth and 3 weeks later my fanny still hurt and my stomach from contracting back to shape , she had her stomach cut open stop trying to make her feel bad for her pain.

Shame on him. Why couldn’t he have gone for a few hours? This is horrible.

my husband then said we had to get married because his dad said this didn’t happen to people like them

People like them meaning pathetic low lives who have zero respect, class or understanding of what family means.

OP, you need to watch your back with them.

Sorry, but this is batshit and I think you must be very tired right now and spiralling into anxiety.

Just thinking about what you're asking - about if it's possible he will be rewarded custody just one the basis that you asked him to stay with you after you've had a caesarian. WTF??? Of course not!

You shouldn't have had to ask him not to go. He should have discussed it with you, and being willing not to go if you felt like you were going to be struggling, or just not gone at all.

This.

This OP. Put your mind at rest.
You have your own physical recovery, a colicky newborn and a cowardly husband/selfish family to deal with. Do NOT fret about the message (but I'd be wary if your MIL anyway by her behaviour re Party)
Best 9f luck with your baby. You will be a great Mum xx